And now, from the mixed-up files of Mr. Daniel K McFrankenwiler, comes this script for a "lost episode" of Captains in Space. What's that? You've forgotten what Captains in Space is? All right, point taken. It has been six months since our last episode. However, we shot two new scripts recently, and series creator Captain Fed is hard at work editing the first one. It should be out sometime within the next month, if not earlier.
In the meantime, smart guy, enjoy this never-before seen, first draft of a never-produced episode, written by yours truly. Why was it never produced? Does it suck? Well, only you can answer that question, but as I remember it, I wrote three scripts ('cuz I'm just prolific like that) and Fed preferred the other two. Still, I think it's worth a few chuckles, and is an interesting peek behind-the-scenes.
“CAPTAINS”, EPISODE: “OUTLANDISH ONE!” - by Dan McCoy
EXT. SPACE
Captain Adam and Captain Fed’s spaceship, the OTTO 5, flies by camera, the vastness of space behind it.
INT. ADAM’S ROOM
ADAM is wearing a superhero outfit that appears cobbled together from items he found on the ship.
FED ENTERS.
FED
Adam, have you seen my petrie dish? I’m not accusing you of anything, I just know how you like to use them to sprout avocado pits, but I...
(Fed notices what Adam is wearing)
What are you wearing?
ADAM
Fed! Great, you’re back! Can you tie my cape on? I can’t work the laces behind my head.
FED
What? No, I’m not going to tie a cape on you. Besides, you could just tie the laces in front and then turn the whole thing around.
ADAM
Brilliant! With your brains and my powers, there’s nothing we can’t...
FED
Powers? Adam, what are you talking about? What’s going on?
ADAM
Don’t worry, my young companion. All will be explained in due time.
FED
I’m thirty-eight.
ADAM
Yes, all will be explained, but a tale this fantastic, this heroic, this... outlandish can only be told with the appropriate dramatic music. Hit it Frankie!
FRANKIE
You got it, you dynamic un-doer of evil-doing! Underscoring away!
FED
What?
MUSIC: Dramatic super-hero-style score.
ADAM
It seemed like a day, like any other day, for devilishly handsome mild-mannered space-ship captain, Captain Adam... but little did he know that this day would change his life forever! While his cowardly sidekick, Fed, was on shore leave on a nearby moon...
FED
Cowardly sidekick Fed?
ADAM
(ignoring Fed)
Captain Adam was suddenly bombarded by Gamma radiation from a passing meteor shower...
FED
Gamma radiation? Oh, God!
ADAM
Captain Adam suddenly lost consciousness... but when he awoke, he found that he’d been endowed with mysterious powers, and vowed that from now on, he’d fight wrongdoing as the Outlandish One!
MUSIC ENDS.
FED
Adam, I...
FRANKIE
(singing)
Outlandish One, Outlandish One! He fights crime with his powerful thumb! He’s got style, he’s got class! Ladies go for his super-ass! Hey you! Dig the Outlandish One!
Outlandish One, Outlandish One! He’s the greatest Miles Standish one! He’s a pip, yes he is! Best pectorals in the biz...
During the song, Adam has been running back and forth, striking various dramatic poses in time to the music. He gets more and more out of breath and finally stops, panting.
ADAM
That’s enough Frankie.
Frankie stops singing.
ADAM (CONT'D)
God, why am I so out of breath?
FED
Probably because you have radiation sickness!
ADAM
Pish tosh! I’ve never felt better. Weren’t you listening to the song?
FED
Yes, I was, actually. What’s this about you having a super thumb?
ADAM
That’s my power! The gamma radiation gave me a super thumb-- well, thumbnail, actually-- that’s impervious to damage.
FED
That’s the dumbest super power I’ve ever heard of.
FRANKIE
...So said that dubious doubter, that pernicious pessimist, the Outlandish O’s slippery sidekick, Captain Fed!
FED
Adam, why is Frankie talking like that?
ADAM
Oh, when I became a super-hero, I programmed her to talk like Stan Lee.
FRANKIE
Excelsior!
FED
Shut up!
(to Adam)
Look, you do not have a super-strong thumbnail. That’s not how Gamma Radiation works!
ADAM
Says you! Look, I’ll prove it.
Adam pulls out a lighter and lights it, holding it up to his thumbnail.
ADAM (CONT'D)
See! I’m holding it in direct flame, and yet I’m feeling absolutely no...
Adam drops the lighter and begins fanning his hand.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Ow. Ow that stings.
FED
See!
ADAM
Some of the flame just hit the non-thumbnail part of my thumb. But what to you say to this, smart guy?
Adam pulls out some nail clippers.
FED
They’re nail clippers.
ADAM
And they got all bent up when I tried to clip my thumbnail!
FED
All right, say you do have a super-powered thumbnail. What then? How, exactly, is that going to help you fight evildoers?
ADAM
Oh, it’ll help fight evildoers. Evildoers fight it shall. Fighting evildoers will be exactly the type of fighting it will help fight...
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE:
MUSIC: Something jazzy, like the 60’s Batman series.
Emergency lights flash. Adam is running to reach a door before it seals shut. At the last minute, he extends his thumb and wedges it between the door and the wall. He pries the door back open, and slips through it.
A monster shoots a revolver at Adam, and he moves his thumb around to dodge the bullets, a la Wonder Woman’s bracelets.
A crook wearing a striped shirt and holding a big bag of money with a dollar sign on it runs through the void of space. Adam chases after him, and pokes him in the eyes with his thumb. The crook drops the money, and Adam catches it.
END MUSIC.
END MONTAGE.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SICK BAY - LATER
Adam lies on a cot, asleep, humming the music from the montage. Fed stands over him with medical tools.
ADAM
What... what happened?
FED
You passed out. It turns out that your thumbnail was so tough because it was a pre-cancerous mutation. I took you to sick bay to remove it.
MUSIC: dramatic sting.
FRANKIE
Is this the end of the Outlandish One? Till next month, stay tuned, true believers!
CUT TO:
GRAPHIC: “CAPTAINS” SHOW LOGO
ANNOUNCER
On the next “Captains”...
INT. SICK BAY - CONTINUOUS
FED
Oh, I forgot to tell you. To replace your thumbnail, I transplanted the nail from your index toe.
ADAM
Noooooo! That was my favorite toenail!
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