Monday, January 21, 2008

In Which I Provide a Public Service

I congratulate those of you who’ve recently recovered from winter colds, flu, or flesh-eating viruses. Still, perfect health comes with some sacrifices. Suddenly cough syrup is alarmingly codeine-free, your workplace doesn’t allow footie pajamas, and you miss all the latest* waiting-room periodicals. That’s why I’ve put together this:

Update On What’s Happening in the Magazines You Only Read When At the Doctor’s Office

*“Latest” in this usage means, “Within the last five decades.”

Highlights For Kids
• Goofus continues to come in a distant second to Gallant in matters of etiquette, hand-washing, and choosing a nickname. On a date, while Gallant is always sure to open the door for his female companion, Goofus ignores her entirely, even during the physical act of love. Oddly, it’s Goofus all the girls want to party with.
• Although you may be tempted to throw in the towel, be assured that there are fully 12 ice-cream cones hidden in the picture “A Day at the Beach.” The last one’s a bastard, but if you look closely, we think you’ll find it hidden in the left spire of the sand castle. Boo-yah!!! In your face, Highlights For Kids!

Marie Claire
• The number of cosmetic advertisements featuring nude women remains gratifyingly high.

Reader’s Digest
• Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,” a tour-de-force intertwining the 9/11 attacks and the firebombing of Dresden, is condensed into a 23-page tour-de-force article on argyle socks.

Ranger Rick
• Tens of thousands of the Earth’s species are now classified as “endangered.”
• And there’s nothing kids can do about it.
• Stop crying.
• The platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs!

Mira! (The popular Spanish-language celebrity magazine)
• “Los senos de Salma Hayak se han visto en varios lugares populares de noche, incluyendo ‘Granadilla.’ Una izquierda el club con el testículo derecho de Enrique Iglesias.”
• “Siguiente el desempeño de Antonio Banderas en la ceremonia de febrero Oscar, la estrella planea cree un disco compacto, titulado ‘Pisando muy Fuerte y Sacudiendo Como Tengo un Ataque.’”

West Roxbury Hospital News Circular.
• Chief of Medicine Roger Garett’s popular one-panel comic “Hospital Follies,” makes a delightful pun on the words “septum” and “scrotum.”
• Despite recent drug recalls, staff members are permitted to keep the free Celebrex Clock Radios donated by our pharmaceutical rep.
• IMPORTANT REMINDER: doctors are required to wash their hands after using the restroom.


Matt said...

Salmones Hayak?! Is that a babelfish translation of Salma Hayek?

Rob Bates said...

Where's the damn Timbertoes!