Summer Funtime Outtake

In honor of tomorrow's debut of our sketch show, The Summer Funtime Special (get your discount tickets here), I present to you this unused sketch. It was cut for time, as it is a bit lengthy. But it LIVES ON, here, as an INTERNET EXCLUSIVE! I bet you're happy you shelled out for that high-speed connection now!

The Campfire Sketch
by Dan McCoy

Four campers sit around a fire: TERRY, JILL, GREGOR, and MILTON. They toast marshmallows and drink some beers from a cooler.

JILL
Thanks for putting this camping trip together, Terry. God, I’ve missed you guys – college seems like it was ages ago.

TERRY
It was!

JILL
Don’t remind me – I have the mirror to do that!

(Cheesy laughter.)

MILTON
So, Terry, we’ve had some beers… making s’mores. What’s next on the camping cliché checklist of fun. Are we gonna tell scary stories?

JILL
Ooh, yeah! We should do some spooky campfire tales.

GREGOR
How about it, Terry? You were always the actor.

TERRY
Well, I was in Arsenic and Old Lace…

(Encouraging noises from the group)

TERRY (cont’d)
Okay, well here’s one my dad used to pull out on family trips. (flashlight under chin) There was this couple, and late one night, they were in these very woods, getting to know one another pretty closely in the back seat of a car – just like Jill and Gregor used to do…

(Scattered laughter)

TERRY (cont’d)
So suddenly, the Al Green, or Bel Biv DeVoe, or whatever on the radio gets interrupted by a news flash. It seems that this serial killer has escaped from the local mental institution, a madman with a razor-sharp hook for his hand. Now the guy wants to keep going at it…

JILL
Just like Gregor used to!

TERRY
But the girl insists that they go home. So he grumbles a little, but they buckle up and head home, and the guy gets out to let her out of the car, show he’s still a gentleman, and he reaches for her door handle – and there’s the killer’s hook, embedded in the door! True story. And they were the lucky ones. Year after year, other kids disappeared, but the killer was never caught. And I know, because… I’M THE KILLER.

(He raises up his arm, to show that his hand is gone [concealed in his sleeve]. Jill mock screams and the others laugh, except Milton, who stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS Terry multiple times)

JILL
Milton!

GREGOR
Milton, what the fuck man?!

TERRY
You shot me!

MILTON
You heard him! He’s an escaped serial killer! He probably lured us all out here into the woods to murder us all and wear our skins! But he didn’t count on one thing: Milton Greenburger! Now step aside so I can finish him off!

GREGOR
Milton, you jackass, it was just a part of the story!

MILTON
Well, what happened to his hand then? Huh? Explain that, “Ask Jeeves!”

JILL
His hand’s fine! He just stuck it in his sleeve!

MILTON
Look, it’s not my fault if Terry’s a special effects wizard! If someone says they’re a serial killer, I shoot first and ask questions later.

JILL
You’ve known him for 20 years! It was a campfire story!

MILTON
Well, look, I guess I’m “sorry” or whatever, but I think Terry should be a little more careful when he makes false confessions.

GREGOR
Terry, hang in there, man. We’re gonna get you to a hospital.

TERRY
Don’t yell at Milton. It’s just multiple flesh wounds. I don’t want to ruin the weekend.

GREGOR
Are you kidding me? He shot you!

TERRY
Listen. I may be shot, but this whole reunion will be shot if we argue with each other. Milton, I forgive you.

MILTON
Whatever.

TERRY
I’m just gonna crawl over to the car and grab my cell phone to call an ambulance. But that’s no reason to stop the fun. You know what would really make help focus my mind so I don’t black out on the way? Another campfire story. Gregor, you got one?

GREGOR
Uh, yeah. Sure, Terry. Anything you need. Another story…

(While Gregor speaks, Terry crawls slowly offstage)

GREGOR
Um. (flashlight to chin) Late one night a young woman was driving home, in a terrible storm, when she noticed a truck following her. It sped up, so she sped up. She took turn after turn, but it stayed on her tail. Then, the truck turned on its high beams. “Is he trying to blind me?” she thought. “Run me off the road?” It flashed the high beams again. Finally, she lost him on a back road. And it was only then that she realized the trucker had been trying to warn her about the killer in the back seat! The police caught him, but I heard on the radio tonight, that he escaped. In fact, I think I might hear him… BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!

(Gregor points offstage, where Terry has just EXITED. Milton, stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS offstage. Terry SCREAMS)

TERRY
What the fuck!

JILL
Milton!

MILTON
What?

JILL
WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS!

(Terry STUMBLES BACK ONSTAGE)

TERRY
(to no-one in particular) He shot me again!

MILTON
Oh, I see. That was just part of the story too. Well, newsflash: if someone points to the bushes and yells killer, I’m perforating those bushes!

GREGOR
Why do you even carry a gun?!

MILTON
Who else is going to protect us from this barrage of killers?

GREGOR
What killers?

MILTON
It’s not my fault if I’m confused. I mean, first Terry was the killer. Then the killer’s in the bushes. Why do you have to break the fourth wall in all of these stories anyway?

TERRY
Amen to that.

MILTON
Perhaps you want to examine your use of dangerous narrative devices, before you blame my unregistered handgun.

TERRY
Um, guys, in all the excitement of being shot multiple times, I forgot to call that ambulance. Maybe you should drive me…

JILL
Oh god! Can we argue about this later, and just get Terry to the hospital?

MILTON
I’m not getting in a car with a suspected murderer.

JILL
He’s not a murderer. How many times do we have to…(She approaches Milton, who brandishes the gun at her. She changes tactics.) Fine. You wanna hear another campfire story, Milton? Here’s a story…

TERRY
Jill, no… it’s not worth it!

JILL
One dark night, four old college buddies were sitting around a campfire, telling stories. Little did they realize that one of them had no concept of how campfire stories worked, and shot two of them. And I know this, because the killer… was…

(Milton slowly raises his gun.)

GREGOR
Careful, Jill!

JILL
YOU, Milton!

(Milton shoots Jill.)

JILL
What the…? YOU, Milton. I said the killer was YOU.

MILTON
I know.

JILL
But you shot me.

MILTON
When someone accuses me of being a killer, I shoot them!

JILL
(Final breaths) We all just hung out with you because you had a car.

(Terry and Jill slump back, dead.)

GREGOR
They’re dead.

MILTON
(checking the cooler) Yeah, and all the beer’s gone. To hell with this.

(He shoots himself in the head, and falls dead. Gregor picks up the flashlight and faces the audience.)

GREGOR
And that’s the story of the crazed murderer, who, through a series of extremely unlikely circumstances, manipulated his simpleminded friend into killing his old college lover, and the man who once beat him out for a role in Arsenic and Old Lace. A tale I know all too well…

(Gregor turns on the flashlight, beneath his chin)

GREGOR (cont'd)
BECAUSE I WAS THE MURDERER!

BLACKOUT.

(Alternate ending: “And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first draft of Hamlet.”)

New Show ALERT: The Summer Funtime Special

I'll be co-starring in a sketch show next weekend (co-written by me). So come out and see the show, or regret missing it. Or don't regret missing it. That's the other option open to you: complete disinterest and lack of regret. It's a popular choice, as I understand.

What's the show?

"The Summer Funtime Special"

Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?

Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.

The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).

The key information is below:

Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang















Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.

Casual Sketch Update

According to an email from the Casual Sketch guy in charge, the show is now FREE. So there's no excuse not to go... I mean, other than you don't like to go to things on Sunday at 9:30. Which I understand. In fact, why the hell am I doing this, again?

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

Dan Returns to the Stage THIS SUNDAY!

I haven't been doing many shows recently, for which I apologize. (I don't know to whom, however, as I bafflingly lack a Dan McCoy Fan Club.) I promise that I do have a few things in the pipeline, and I'll announce the details here soon.

In the meantime, why not come out to The Magnet Theater, this Sunday the 15th at 9:30 PM, to see me perform in a little show called Casual Sketch. I'll be performing a scene with my cohort Matt Koff under the name Tunnel to Passaic (thanks to Rob Bates for the appellation). Then, after the show, we'll probably end up like the couple in the promotional photograph below, who appear to be nude-blogging. As I understand it, that's the traditional way of celebrating an appearance in a sketch show.









Casual Sketch @ The Magnet Theater
Sunday the 15th at 9:30 PM
$5 - Cheap!
254 W. 29th St.
New York, NY 10001

In Which I Post a Gmail Chat Transcript Which Illustrates My Tendency to Waste Time With Pointless Gibberish

New status message: used gravel for sale - in original shrinkwrap

matt.koff: I'll take some

me: $12 for four pieces.

matt.koff: hmm
how... big are the pieces

me: gravel-sized

matt.koff: Isn't that kind of unreasonable
what were they used for?

me: Look, if you're not interested, move along.

matt.koff: WHAT WERE THEY USED FOR, ANSWER ME

me: You're wasting my time, and blocking my business.
They were used for gravel.

matt.koff: I'LL TAKE IT

me: too late.

matt.koff: WHAT
YOU JUST PUT IT UP

me: I've promised it all to a collector in Tokyo.

matt.koff: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAD A CHANCE TO GET THAT GRAVEL AND I BLEW IT

me: It's really delicious gravel too. And totally water-absorbent.

matt.koff: DGHUOIDSHF-9SVSIOUDVB

me: Plus it does taxes.

matt.koff: NO!!

me: Well, I'm off to swim in my money bin.
(I built it after selling so much gravel)

At this point, both parties lose interest and go off to read a blog or something. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Friday Video Fun

Here's a parody of an OnStar commercial, written by my longtime cohort Sara Schaefer, and performed by Sara and yours truly. More to come!

Don't You Forget About Me (Onstar Parody)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Fun fact: the audio delay you hear is because we were actually talking over the phone. It's like a DVD commentary in blog form around here!

Recycling Center: 8-Track Edition

For those of you who did not see it in person last night, I give you my latest 8-Track opus, No-One Dies at Disney World:

* * *

Two uniformed Disney World employees, JIM and MARY, RUN IN.

MARY
Crap. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

JIM
Keep it together, Mary! Tell me what happened.

MARY
One of the Disney janitors—I’m sorry, “Sanitary Imagineers”—accidentally dropped some bleach into the quote-unquote water in It’s a Small World After All, creating a poisonous cloud of chlorine gas. They’re dead! They’re all dead!

JIM
Jesus. I guess it’s a smaller world after now.

MARY
There were 101 people on that ride! This is the biggest Disney-related death since they rebuilt The Haunted Mansion on that ancient Indian burial ground! (remembering) Thank God Pocahantas interceded…

JIM
Look, mass amusement park deaths are just part of the circle of life. You’ve seen The Lion King. The important thing now is disposal.

MARY
Disposal?

JIM
Right, you’re a newbie. I guess you haven’t finished the handbook. People can’t die here. This is Disney World! “The Happiest Place On Earth,” registered trademark. If someone passes, they’re stuck in an ambulance, so the death certificate says they die off-premises. But so many dead at once…things get tricky.

MARY
Then what…?

JIM
Don’t worry. I called Mr. Fox. Think of him as the biggest Sanitary Imagineer of them all. He should be here any…

THE FOX enters. He is no-nonsense and rapid-fire.

FOX
All right, kids, time is precious, so let’s dispense with formalities. When I tell you to do something, all I want to hear is “Yes Mr. Fox.” “Bre’r Fox,” if you must. Better yet, “Sir.” As I hear it, we’ve got a hundred park-goers who ain’t ever gonna be happy again, and wishing on a star won’t bring ‘em back. (To Mary) Your name?

MARY
Mary.

FOX
Mary, I want you to round up all the full-body character costumes that you can—your Mickeys, your Donalds, your Daisys, your Goofys, your Chips, your Dales, your Grumpys, Sleepys, Dopeys, Sneezys, Happys, Bashfuls, Docs, your Chilly Willys…

JIM
Chilly Willy’s not ours, sir.

FOX
Do I look like I give a fuck? (back to Mary) And you stuff ‘em all full of stiffs. We’re carting those flesh-trippers outta here incognito, get it?

Mary nods

FOX
Then make like Dumbo and fly, unless you want tomorrow’s Orlando Sentinel to read “Tragic Kingdom!”

Mary RUNS OFFSTAGE.

JIM
Thanks, sir—that could’ve been bad.

FOX
Well, let’s not start singing Zippity Doo Dah just yet. What’s your name, kid?

JIM
Jim.

FOX
(lighting cigar) Jim, I want you to round up as many laundry trucks as you can. We’re gonna smuggle those costumes out like Unca Walt’s dirty undies.

JIM
But all our trucks are waterlogged, thanks to that typhoon off Typhoon Lagoon.

FOX
Crap on a corn dog! If only those eggheads over in Tomorrowland spent less time making Michael Jackson 3-D, and more time inventing a de-corpseylator, like I asked! (to self) Think, man, think!

Mary RE-ENTERS, dragging a DEAD TOURIST, dressed like Mickey Mouse.

MARY
Mr. Fox, sir! We’ve packed the bodies into the costumes and…

FOX
Nix, you dizzy broad! Never bring a deadhead out in the open! What if a kid saw…

A CHILD enters, eating some cotton candy. He looks around, wide-eyed—not, for the moment, seeing the others. The Fox makes a series of militaristic hand gestures, pointing first to the child, then to his eyes, shaking his head vehemently. He points to the corpse, then pats his own shoulders.

Mary and Jim get the idea, and they hoist the body up between them, Weekend at Bernies-style. The Fox ducks back behind the body, and thrusts his arms out from beneath its armpits.

He’s just in time. The child turns around and spots the body, running over to it.

CHILD
(hugging the corpse) Mickey!

FOX
(high-pitched Mickey voice) Well hello there, young fellow! Gosh it’s sure nice to see you! Say, Mickey isn’t feeling so well right now, so why don’t you run along to Space Mountain. (producing a DVD) If you go now, I’ll give you this copy of Lilo and Stitch!

CHILD
(less than enthused) Uh… Thanks, Mickey.

He runs off. The others drop “Mickey” to the ground.

FOX
Okay, Plan B: Load all the bodies onto the monorail, and swing over to Epcot. If we’re lucky, we can stick ‘em in the pneumatic tube, and shoot ‘em over to Universal Studios—then it’s their problem.

MARY
Epcot has a tube that can do that?

FOX
Wise up, kid. Why do you think Epcot was built?

JIM
(starting to pick Mickey up) Thanks for your help sir. I think we’re gonna be all right. For a minute, I was afraid we’d have to unfreeze Walt.

The Fox angrily nods towards Mary, and makes a throat-slashing “shut up” motion.

MARY
Unfreeze… Walt?

JIM
I’m sorry, Mary. I forgot your security clearance is only Goofy Level.

MARY
You mean the stories are true?

FOX
(distracting her) Say, Mary. Do you know the Mickey Mouse Club Theme?

MARY
(confused) Uh… Sure I do. (singing) M-I-C…

The Fox takes out a gun and SHOOTS HER DEAD.

FOX
C you real soon. Y? Because you know too much. (to Jim) Load her in with the others.

Jim stands a moment, immobile with shock. The Fox comes over and places a hand on his shoulder.

FOX (cont'd)
Forget it, Jim. It’s Disney World.

BLACKOUT.

The 8-Track, TONIGHT!

Hosted by Baron Vaughn
Accompanied by Arthur Lewis
Featuring the musical guests
The Geniuses
Kid Lucky
Erin and her Cello
and Special Character Appearance from
Ann Carr






Closest subway:
6 to Bleecker

Tickets:
$12.00 - available at the door or in advance
www.telecharge.com

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines"

Things I Did Over Memorial Day Weekend...

Recreated the poster for Local Hero.

Recycling Center: 8-Track Edition

Well, The 8-Track premiered last night, and for such an ambitious show (sketch and stand up merging "seamlessly" with live musical performances, with both a guest host and musicians) it was remarkably bump-free. And I'm sure it can only get better as we learn what works, what doesn't, and how to best put it all together.

Anyway, for those of you who didn't make it to the show, here was my contribution:

The African Adoption Sketch

A HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS enters, with a VILLAGE ELDER. She holds a T-Moble Sidekick, which she glances at, frequently, during the scene that follows. Three ORPHAN CHILDREN are lined up hopefully, awaiting them. The third is a REGULAR DUDE, wearing a backwards baseball cap.

ELDER
We are so honored to have you visit our village. We were big fans of the movie where I think you played a cat burglar vigilante who also was a surfer.

ACTRESS
You’re so sweet! I actually had a lot of input into the skintight bodysuit I wore in that.

ELDER
It’s important to keep… (struggling for the right phrase) cre-a-tive control.

ACTRESS
I’m surprised you saw it.

ELDER
Oh, we do not have a movie theater. Or electricity. No, some Americans on Safari discarded a half-eaten Burger King Whopper, and the wrapper had a promotional tie-in photo… It fed our village for a week. Of course, many were not used to consuming so much meat, and vomited more than they ate. The smell drew hyenas, led by the Devil Hyena, whom we believe to be the death spirit Pazuzu. He fed on the elderly and infirm for six days and nights. It was known as the coming of the Blood Whopper. But those who survived tell me it was flame-broiled and delicious.

ACTRESS
(She has been texting, and has heard nothing) Great. Can we just do this thing?

ELDER
Certainly. (He gestures to the children.) These are our parentless children. We wish we could support them, but ever since the corpses of our dead poisoned the water suppl…

The actress runs forward squealing and hugs one of the children…

ACTRESS
Oh look at this one! It’s so adorable! Look at its little potbelly!

ELDER
His belly is distended from starvation. You see, the build-up of gas…

She springs back from the child.

ACTRESS
Gassy. No thanks. (Points to next child.) What about this one?

ELDER
That is little Abebe. Never have I seen a child so full of love.

Abebe hugs the actress’s legs.

ABEBE
Shall you be my new mother? I will bring you kisses every morning.

She extricates herself from Abebe’s arms.

ACTRESS
A bit too full of love. Mommy has to catch up on her rest after an all-night nose candy binge, know what I mean? (The Elder’s face is blank). Dust? Flake? Merge? Mojo? The White Horse? Bolivian Marching Powder? (He’s still not getting it) No? You probably have some crazy African name for it. Got any orphans that are a little less “clingy?”

DUDE
Yo, over here!

ELDER This is… uh… Barry.

DUDE
(sticks hand out for fist bump) Barry Lunt, what’s up. I sincerely hope you choose me to be your adopted African son.

ACTRESS
He’s got a Mets cap. And that wristwatch is from Sharper Image.

ELDER
Mr. Barry wandered out of the desert one week ago. We felt bound by hospitality to feed him.

ABEBE
He took my cassava.

DUDE
I’m bigger than you. I need more food. That’s science.

ACTRESS
I don’t know. You just don’t seem that Ethiopian.

DUDE
I immigrated.

ACTRESS
From where?

DUDE
Hackensack. Look, you gonna adopt me, or not? (looks at watch) I have it on good authority that Angelina Jolie’s gonna be in a village fifteen kilometers south of here around noon. If you don’t want me, I need to hop in my Taurus and get down there.

ELDER
Mr. Barry, if you own a fuel-efficient Ford Taurus, then perhaps you would like to step aside, so that other, truly impoverished orphans can have the chance to…

DUDE
Hey, you don’t know me. You don’t know my life. Growing up, when all the other kids had Playstation 2’s, I had a Nintendo 64. You know how that feels? What if I wanna play God of War?

ELDER
The God of War? Pazuzu?!

DUDE
And now you’re gonna stand in the way of my lifelong dream of being adopted by a beautiful Hollywood starlet? Maybe you need to do some thinking about what poverty really means. Poverty of being sympathetic towards me!

ACTRESS
Look, I’d really like to adopt you. I would. Mainly because I’m afraid I’ll catch a disease from those other orphans.

DUDE
No doubt.

ACTRESS
But I’m worried if I come back with you, my friends think I don’t care about starving Africans.

DUDE
Tell them I’m South African.

ACTRESS
I don’t know…

DUDE
We’re all just one big beautiful rainbow. Check it. (singing) WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN. WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE A BRIGHTER DAY, SO LETS START (hums “giving” because he doesn’t know the words). THERE’S A CHOICE JAMAICAIN WHO’S… SOMETHING… ALL OUR PIES. (hums some more, then breaks into different song) WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT FUN AND GAMES, IN THE JUNGLE, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (back to We Are the World) IT TRULY IS A BETTER DAY SO ADOPT ME!

ACTRESS
Your song makes a strong case.

DUDE
Also, if you want to get all Woody Allen/ Soon Yi on me, I’m almost 18, and I totally wouldn’t mind. These guys won’t be legal for years.

ACTRESS
Sold.

The dude sticks his hand in Abebe’s face.

DUDE Face! (To Actress) Now let’s get you home so you can start breast-feeding me.

The actress giggles, and they turn to leave.

ABEBE
(To Elder) I think I finally understand the American word “douche.”

The 8-Track PREMIERES TONIGHT - Monday, May 21!

The new show I'm writing for is premiering NOW! (Well, not now, unless you're reading this at 8 pm on Monday the 21st ... but it's premiering today, Monday the 21st at 8 pm. Did I mention Monday the 21st at 8 pm? I did?) The first show's (loose) theme is "Mother's Day." Here are the details:

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Mondays at 8pm
(No show Memorial Day.)

Location:
"The Green Room"
45 Bleecker Street
(Previously of "The Culture Project")
North side of Bleecker Street,
between Lafayette & Mott Streets.
New York, NY 10012

Closest subway:
6 to Bleecker

Tickets:
$12.00 - available at the door or in advance at www.telecharge.com

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arranges the hottest comedic writers, actors and musicians in New York City's newest weekly hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales (Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band- integrating words and music seamlessly!

Sketch Direction:
AJ Morales

Musical Direction:
Damian Cremisio

Current Performers:
Amber Petty
Birch Harms
Lauren Bahlman
Matt Sadewitz
Steve Stout
Rachel Bloom
Robbie Sublett

Join the official mailing list by dropping a line to the8track@gmail.com, and get a once-monthly email of all the upcoming lineups!

Recycling Center: Fist City Edition

In case you missed it, here's the essay I read on Fist City last night. Of course, the best option is still to subscribe to the podcast, and listen to my mellifluous voice as I read it to you--because, really, who has the time in this busy modern world to read something for yourself? I come in at about the 45 minute mark of the show (actually the 1:45 mark on the podcast, since Fist City shares its 2-hour slot with The Rev Clempson Show). Not that you shouldn't listen to the rest of the show, as it contains much Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan hilarity, with a guest appearance by Eric "War of the Worlds" Zuckerman.

But for those of you who read blogs, yet fear podcasts (a small minority, to be sure), here's what I read:

---

Thanks, Brock and Elliott—I’m here to discuss what is probably the most significant literary find of the last two hundred years, and, since you’ve assured me that this radio show is broadcast directly into the homes of all the Nobel Prize committee members, at least insomuch as they all probably have Internet connections, I’ve decided to unveil it here.

I have discovered a lost folio of Shakespeare, what I like to call the Director’s Cut With Alternate Endings Folio, or the “Caesar Stabbed First” Folio. It contains several surprising variations on his well-known plays, apparently the result of extensive focus testing with Globe Theatre audiences; budgetary constraints; and the ever-present danger of execution at the hand of Lord Wessex, as played by Colin Firth.

Many of the alternate versions are quite shocking. For instance, in this version of Hamlet, after everyone has apparently died, it is revealed that all the events of the play had merely been a charade set up by Hamlet’s uncle Claudius, in an attempt to cheer him up and get him to act less, quote, “Danish.” Then Rosencrantz comes in and gives Hamlet a shirt, which reads, “I wast drugged and left for dead in Elsinore, and all I received in return wast this inferior tunic,” with a logo on the back, reading “The Goodnight Sweet Prince Tour, 1502.” Similar tunics were available from Globe Theatre hot dog vendors, who, incidentally, sold real canines cooked over a spit. Apparently, this ending was insisted on by Shakespeare’s producer who, after seeing the lousy receipts for Titus Andronicus, decided that family audiences wouldn’t pay to see bloodbaths.

Or consider the original ending to The Tempest, in which the title character (The Tempest) returns to seek revenge against Ariel by throwing a series of CGI cows at her (CGI meaning, of course, Cow Gaffer Invented -- the chief carpenter apparently rigged up some pretty convincing paper mache cows). Or an early King Lear, all about a dirty old man who spends the play leering at his three daughters, a concept that was only abandoned when Christopher Marlowe told Shakespeare that he found it, “a little thin.”

Additionally, the folio contains some revealing commentary, apparently from a scholar contemporary to Shakespeare. For instance, one tidbit about “the problem plays” – so named because they have the problem of not being as good as the rest of his plays – it turns out that they’re a little uneven because they were originally just one big play, composed over a poppy-fueled long weekend, the original title being, Measure Measures All That Troilus Well for Cressida before Winter’s End, and the Tale of the Well Merchant, Timon of Athens, of Venice. It was an 18-hour mess.

And that’s not even getting into the lost plays that I found in this folio. Like Love’s Labor Won – that’s basically just wall-to-wall hardcore sex. 13th Night, where Malvolio returns wearing a rugby mask to slaughter the other characters while they’re vacationing at Camp Loch Ness, and the sequel to As You Like It, called Whatever You Want which was the first choose your own adventure play.

Oddly, I found this folio while cleaning out my garage, in a box labeled “Stuff That Didn’t Come from England,” and the paper it’s printed on has a watermark reading “Ben Franklin Bond” which would seem to date it post-Shakespeare’s lifetime by a significant margin, but I’m certain this find is genuine—so certain that I’m willing to split half of my aforementioned Nobel Prize monies with any expert that agrees with me… wink wink Harold Bloom. Anyway, the folio’s for sale, so if you’re interested, call up the studio. I’d prefer to sell to a museum, of course, but I’ll listen to anyone with cash money. Oh, yeah, no fatties.

Brock? Elliot?

More Information About the 8-TRACK, Starting May 21st!

I promised more details about the new show I'm doing when I had them. And do I ever have them. Flyer and press release below...
"The 8-Track" A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Mondays at 8pm. First show May 21st.
No show Memorial Day.

Location: The Green Room 45 Bleecker Street (Previously of "The Culture Project") North side of Bleecker St., between Lafayette & Mott, New York, NY

Closest subway: 6 to Bleecker

Tickets: $12.00 - available at the door or in advance.

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

Next/First Show: MAY 21st, 8pm
The Mother's Day Show

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Accompanied by:
Shockwave

Featuring Musical Guests:
Erin and her Cello
Cock Lorge
Soce the Elemental Wizard

Standup Comedy by:
Rick Younger


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arrange the hottest comedic writers, actors and musicians in New York City's newest hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales ( Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band- integrating words and music seamlessly!

------------------------------

Credits and Bios:

Sketch Direction:
AJ Morales
Writers:
Dan McCoy
Rob Bates
Matt Koff
Laura Buchholz
Josh Drimmer
Musical Direction:
Damian Cremisio
Performers:
Various

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan (Creator and Producer), can be seen in the improv comedy hip-hop group Freestyle Love Supreme which has been performed at The Aspen Comedy Festival, Edinburgh Festival Fringe, The Melbourne International Comedy Festival and regularly at The Ars Nova Theater, NYC. He currently produces and performs Shockwave: THE MIXTAPE at Ars Nova Theater and The BEATdown: A Comedy Rap Battle at Mo Pitkins every 4th Saturday. He has trained with Chicago's Joe Bill, Miles Stroth, Mick Napier, NYC's Upright Citizen's Brigade and The People's Improv Theater. Sullivan has production managed Saturday Night Rewritten at Juvie Hall and co-created Character Dogville with Manhattan Comedy Collective. Additionally, he is co-founder of long-form improv troupe TOAST! at UMass Amherst and alumni/director of short-form improv troupe Mission:IMPROVable.

AJ Morales (Director) is Emerging Comics of New York Best Director of 2005, and the proud founder of Wicked Wicked HammerKatz (T.O.N.Y . 'Critics Pick'). Hailing originally from Arizona, he began his sketch comedy career with the legendary Arizona State University group Farce Side, where he performed and wrote for their widely attended weekly show and received 5 Audience Choice awards for his writing. Over the past 8 years, he has directed over 35 theatrical productions and has studied improv under The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater.

Off-Book Productions
The entity known as Off-Book Productions is currently a birthing brainchild of Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan, the creator of The 8-Track. It was created to help define and promote a loose networking of performers of stage and studio, individuals and companies, and the hard work that gets them there. Created to help collaborate and network musicians and actors, this show is their first official project. Company/Project Affiliations: Beatboxer Entertainment, Goldishack Recordings, Freestyle Love Supreme, The BEATdown, The MIXTAPE, Manhattan Comedy Collective and Character Dogville and JagCo. Productions.

I'm on Fist City Tonight!

I'll be making an appearance on popular Internets radios series Fist City tonight, reading a guest essay as part of Fist City's literary month, A.K.A. "Reading is Fistimental." I will be dropping a bombshell relating to some lost works of Shakespeare. Want more details? Listen to East Village Radio tonight at nine. Or subscribe to the podcast.

Following Spider-Man Week in New York City...

NEW SHOW ALERT!

I've not been doing a lot of live comedy for a while, partly because I've been working on a screenplay (sure to remain unpurchased and unproduced), and partly because a few long-running projects I was a part of came to an end, and I never took the initiative to come up with replacements.

However, starting in May, I'll be part of a regular show again. And, based on the concept and the other people involved, I'm very excited.

Every Monday, starting on May 21st (skipping May 28th, Memorial Day) I'll be doing a new show called The 8-Track, at 49 Bleecker St., between Lafayette and Mulberry (formerly the Culture Project theater). It will consist of 8 musical performances and 8 comedy performances woven seamlessly into one another, much like a DJ set, or a mix tape. The show will be all-new every week, and each show will feature a guest host and guest musicians, in addition to the usual sketch performers.

The show is produced by Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan, of the improv hip-hop group Freestyle Love Supreme, which has been featured at the Aspen Comedy Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The head writer is Erik Marcisak, named a Back Stage Comedy Best Bet in 2006 and the former manager of Juvie Hall, an Emerging Comics of New York winner for Best Venue in 2005. The director (at least for the first several shows-- this will likely rotate) will be A.J. Morales, winner of the ECNY award for Best Director in 2005, and the founder/director of The Wicked Wicked Hammerkatz which also won a ECNY award, was a Del Close Marathon selection, etc. etc. etc.

These are good folks.

My place in the show will primarily be on the writer's side, but I should also be appearing as a performer for one reoccuring segment.

More than that I cannot say, partly because I don't know how much I should spill at these formative stages (the show will effectively be "in previews" for the summer, as we discover more about the shape it will take and work out the technical niceties), and partly because I don't know much more at this point. But I wanted to let folks know what I could, because I believe this could be something great. I hope you can make it out to see for yourself, and I'll keep you posted as I get more specifc details regarding our debut.

The Usual Filler

I am, again, a finalist in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Anti Caption Contest, the goal of which is to "submit the worst possible caption."

The comic, and my caption:














"Wow, I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

The rejection never ends...

Animal activists in Serbia are upset by a plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert, especially in light of Mick Jagger’s well-publicized claim that wild horses couldn’t drag him away.

This weekend is the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, and Rich Little has been hired to perform. Unfortunately for the White House, he’ll be doing his impression of Steven Colbert.

A 2 and 1/3 inch Faberge chair sold for 2.28 million dollars at Sotheby's on Tuesday, leading onlookers to exclaim, “Man that is one rich mouse.”

A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is too raucous and an inconvenience for residents. Citing similar reasons, the committee also denied a permit to New York City.

A new trend in New York City are "Cuddle Parties," which are drug and alcohol free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch, creating a sensitive new way for guys to get blue balls.

A new fragrance will launched this summer called Coney Island, and will have a combination of smells, including Margarita mix, tequila, chocolate, and caramel, recreating the authentic experience of falling into a real Coney Island dumpster.

An Australian man spent 13 days living underwater in a "biosub," which created oxygen for him from algae that was watered with his recycled urine, and was powered by an exercise bike, which, experts agree, is the best way to smell like urine-soaked algae.

According to a report on global warming by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the biggest threat to New York City is increased risk of floods, power outages, and being crushed by falling air conditioners.

Plans are underway for a Spider-Man musical on Broadway, with Julie Taymor from the Lion King set to direct and music by Bono and the Edge. A warning to those in the front row: you will get webbed.

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

Turn around, bright eyes...

The former home of Johnny Cash, which is now owned by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, burned to the ground Tuesday afternoon after a spark ignited a wood preservative applied to the interior of the lakeside house, leading to a fistfight in the New York Post offices, over whether they should go with the headline “Ring of Fire” or “Disco Inferno.”

Don Imus on Thursday raised nearly 1 million dollars for various charities in the first five hours of his annual radio fundraiser, although few believed him when he claimed the phrase “nappy headed ho’s” actually referred to his charity work with narcoleptic hookers.

A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It’s no relation to the Dickens World in Amsterdam, which is dedicated to… other things.

A police search of former astronaut Lisa Nowak's car turned up bondage photos on a computer disk, British currency, and pills. Let me get this straight: an astronaut is still storing her bondage photos on disk?

Starting Wednesday, Russia refused to renew the licenses of the last two adoption agencies operating there, effectively preventing Americans from adopting Russian children, although you can still pick them out of a catalogue and marry them.

The North Carolina State Attorney General on Wednesday criticized the "rogue" district attorney who prosecuted the false rape charges against the Duke Lacrosse players, while Jerry Bruckheimer heard the phrase “rogue district attorney” and immediately put a script into development.

IRS officials said this week that Singer Marc Anthony must pay 2.5 million dollars in back taxes or face prosecution, although he has been cleared of regicide in that Julius Ceasar matter.

In Which I Present a Long-Lost Movie Tie-In

Below are several participle-based movie titles. Can you circle the ones that aren't real?

• Gleaming the Cube
• Saving Silverman
• Feeling Minnesota
• Shucking the Oyster
• Torking the Flange
• Dorfing the Golf
• Smucking the Jam

What Are Some Other Things You Might Like to Gleam?
Write your answers below:

_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________

Michael Tolkien, screenwriter of Gleaming the Cube, also wrote Robert Altman's The Player. Does this mean that Gleaming the Cube is also a good film?