Recycling Center: 8-Track Edition

Well, The 8-Track premiered last night, and for such an ambitious show (sketch and stand up merging "seamlessly" with live musical performances, with both a guest host and musicians) it was remarkably bump-free. And I'm sure it can only get better as we learn what works, what doesn't, and how to best put it all together.

Anyway, for those of you who didn't make it to the show, here was my contribution:

The African Adoption Sketch

A HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS enters, with a VILLAGE ELDER. She holds a T-Moble Sidekick, which she glances at, frequently, during the scene that follows. Three ORPHAN CHILDREN are lined up hopefully, awaiting them. The third is a REGULAR DUDE, wearing a backwards baseball cap.

ELDER
We are so honored to have you visit our village. We were big fans of the movie where I think you played a cat burglar vigilante who also was a surfer.

ACTRESS
You’re so sweet! I actually had a lot of input into the skintight bodysuit I wore in that.

ELDER
It’s important to keep… (struggling for the right phrase) cre-a-tive control.

ACTRESS
I’m surprised you saw it.

ELDER
Oh, we do not have a movie theater. Or electricity. No, some Americans on Safari discarded a half-eaten Burger King Whopper, and the wrapper had a promotional tie-in photo… It fed our village for a week. Of course, many were not used to consuming so much meat, and vomited more than they ate. The smell drew hyenas, led by the Devil Hyena, whom we believe to be the death spirit Pazuzu. He fed on the elderly and infirm for six days and nights. It was known as the coming of the Blood Whopper. But those who survived tell me it was flame-broiled and delicious.

ACTRESS
(She has been texting, and has heard nothing) Great. Can we just do this thing?

ELDER
Certainly. (He gestures to the children.) These are our parentless children. We wish we could support them, but ever since the corpses of our dead poisoned the water suppl…

The actress runs forward squealing and hugs one of the children…

ACTRESS
Oh look at this one! It’s so adorable! Look at its little potbelly!

ELDER
His belly is distended from starvation. You see, the build-up of gas…

She springs back from the child.

ACTRESS
Gassy. No thanks. (Points to next child.) What about this one?

ELDER
That is little Abebe. Never have I seen a child so full of love.

Abebe hugs the actress’s legs.

ABEBE
Shall you be my new mother? I will bring you kisses every morning.

She extricates herself from Abebe’s arms.

ACTRESS
A bit too full of love. Mommy has to catch up on her rest after an all-night nose candy binge, know what I mean? (The Elder’s face is blank). Dust? Flake? Merge? Mojo? The White Horse? Bolivian Marching Powder? (He’s still not getting it) No? You probably have some crazy African name for it. Got any orphans that are a little less “clingy?”

DUDE
Yo, over here!

ELDER This is… uh… Barry.

DUDE
(sticks hand out for fist bump) Barry Lunt, what’s up. I sincerely hope you choose me to be your adopted African son.

ACTRESS
He’s got a Mets cap. And that wristwatch is from Sharper Image.

ELDER
Mr. Barry wandered out of the desert one week ago. We felt bound by hospitality to feed him.

ABEBE
He took my cassava.

DUDE
I’m bigger than you. I need more food. That’s science.

ACTRESS
I don’t know. You just don’t seem that Ethiopian.

DUDE
I immigrated.

ACTRESS
From where?

DUDE
Hackensack. Look, you gonna adopt me, or not? (looks at watch) I have it on good authority that Angelina Jolie’s gonna be in a village fifteen kilometers south of here around noon. If you don’t want me, I need to hop in my Taurus and get down there.

ELDER
Mr. Barry, if you own a fuel-efficient Ford Taurus, then perhaps you would like to step aside, so that other, truly impoverished orphans can have the chance to…

DUDE
Hey, you don’t know me. You don’t know my life. Growing up, when all the other kids had Playstation 2’s, I had a Nintendo 64. You know how that feels? What if I wanna play God of War?

ELDER
The God of War? Pazuzu?!

DUDE
And now you’re gonna stand in the way of my lifelong dream of being adopted by a beautiful Hollywood starlet? Maybe you need to do some thinking about what poverty really means. Poverty of being sympathetic towards me!

ACTRESS
Look, I’d really like to adopt you. I would. Mainly because I’m afraid I’ll catch a disease from those other orphans.

DUDE
No doubt.

ACTRESS
But I’m worried if I come back with you, my friends think I don’t care about starving Africans.

DUDE
Tell them I’m South African.

ACTRESS
I don’t know…

DUDE
We’re all just one big beautiful rainbow. Check it. (singing) WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN. WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE A BRIGHTER DAY, SO LETS START (hums “giving” because he doesn’t know the words). THERE’S A CHOICE JAMAICAIN WHO’S… SOMETHING… ALL OUR PIES. (hums some more, then breaks into different song) WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT FUN AND GAMES, IN THE JUNGLE, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (back to We Are the World) IT TRULY IS A BETTER DAY SO ADOPT ME!

ACTRESS
Your song makes a strong case.

DUDE
Also, if you want to get all Woody Allen/ Soon Yi on me, I’m almost 18, and I totally wouldn’t mind. These guys won’t be legal for years.

ACTRESS
Sold.

The dude sticks his hand in Abebe’s face.

DUDE Face! (To Actress) Now let’s get you home so you can start breast-feeding me.

The actress giggles, and they turn to leave.

ABEBE
(To Elder) I think I finally understand the American word “douche.”