More Political Sketches

Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.

PALIN PORN

DAN

Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?

LISA

(breathy)

Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.

She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.

DAN

Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.

LISA

(groan-y)

You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.

DAN

Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.

LISA

I wasn’t finished

(back to audience)

…your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.

DAN

Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?

LISA

Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!

DAN

That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…

JON

Or two thousand.

DAN

SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?

LISA

Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...

DAN

Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin

LISA

Oh, okay.

Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.

LISA (cont’d)

(not changing her voice at all)

Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!

DAN

(interrupting)

Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.

LISA

Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…

(Palin voice)

Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.

DAN

Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.

LISA

I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.

DAN

Okay.

LISA

That’s a masturbation joke.

DAN

I GET IT.

JON

I’ll bet you do.

DAN

SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!




ROBOCALLS

A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.

The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.

PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.

MAN

Hello?

(pause, then annoyed)

Hello?

CALLER (V.O.)

Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.

DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.

WOMAN

Prank call?

MAN

Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”

WOMAN

Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.

(checks watch)

Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?

MAN

Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.

WOMAN

Okay. Don’t kill yourself.

She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.

MAN

Hello?

CALLER

Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?

MAN

What?

CALLER

And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.

MAN

Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?

CALLER

Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.

Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.

MAN

Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.

He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.

MAN (cont’d)

(to self)

Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95

The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.

MAN

Yeah?

CALLER

Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!

MAN

What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?

CALLER

Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.

The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.

MAN

Hel…

CALLER

Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…

The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.

MAN

STOP CALLING ME!

CALLER

We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?

MAN

How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.

CALLER

Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.

MAN

How is that su…?

CALLER

(interrupting)

We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.

MAN

Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.

CALLER

Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.

MAN

Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”

CALLER

Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!

MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.

MAN

Styx?

CALLER

Prepare for rob-education.

(pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)

MAN

Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…

TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.

BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.

OBAMA

Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.

Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.

OBAMA (cont’d)

(to self)

Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.

(calling offstage)

Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!

The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

Stuart's harrowing tale of survival is now a zany comedy starring Seth Rogan.

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Sketch Round-Up

Here are two sketches I wrote for last Sunday's debut of Shameful Display presents You, Your World, and You, at the Magnet Theater. Enjoy them, 'cause (due to their current-events nature) you'll probably never see them performed again.

Backhanded Rally

Lights up on McCain, with microphone.

MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.

While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.

MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!

MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?

MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.

McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.

MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!

McCain waves the audience member down on stage.

MCCAIN
Come down here sir.

The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.

MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)

He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.

MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.

AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.

Audience member boos.

With a crazy Arab name.

Audience applauds.

Who loves his wife and kids.

Audience boos.

Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.

Audience applauds.

So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.

Audience boos.

Just stay in the anger van.

Audience applauds.

And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.

BLACKOUT.

* * * *

Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates

Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.

JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.

LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…

HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.

LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.

JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.

LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!

HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.

JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.

LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.

JOE
Yeah.

LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.

JOE
I didn’t ask him to.

LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.

JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.

LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?

JOE
What are you saying Larry?

LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.

JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.

LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.

JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!

LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!

JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?

LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…

HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?

JOE
What?

HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?

LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”

JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.

HANK
Yeah, but still.

LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?

HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?

JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.

HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?

LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!

JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.

HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.

JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.

HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.

LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!

JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?

LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!

They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.

HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.

They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.

JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.

BLACKOUT

TONIGHT!

The Flop House Episode #25 is ONLINE!

It's the second of our annual SHOCKTOBER shows, focusing on lousy horror films, and it's a doozy! Mark Walhberg unleashes all his whispery energy on the modern master of "Hey jackass, betcha didn't see that one coming!" M. Night Shyamalan, and his eco-horror-tale The Happening. Meanwhile, Elliott explains his failed cartoon-writing career, Stuart crosses the sexual line, and Dan opens a pun Pandora's box he can't close.

0:00 - 0:39 - Introduction and theme.
0:40 - 41:28 - It's a Flop House event! We've been waiting so long for the DVD release for M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening that we jump right in and don't stop talking about it for forty minutes. (Would I call it a "Flop House happening?" No. That would be dumb.)
41:29 - 44:17 - Final judgments on The Happening.
44:18 - 48:30 - What the heck. Final judgments on M. Night, too.
48:31 - 56:40 - The sad bastards recommend.
56:41 - 58:26 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

**In this episode, Dan refers to Alan Rupp. He meant Alan Ruck.

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Wikipedia synopsis of The Happening

The Flop House Movie Minute #14 - McShane-McCain

In the first edition of Name Droppin', Elliott talks about working with Ian McShane.

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Shameful Display Presents "You, Your World, and You."

October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9
(new show every week!)
At the Magnet Theater
254 W. 29th St.
9:30 PM - $5
Cash bar

The Flop House Episode #24 is ONLINE!

The Original Peaches are back! For the first time since early August, Dan, Stu, and Elliott are all in the same place at the same time long enough to record a Flop House. And just in time - because this is the first of our annual SHOCKTOBER shows, focusing on lousy horror films! This time around it's Prom Night, the movie that (were this a just world) should kill PG-13 horror. Meanwhile, Dan shows his command of vocabulary, Stuart proves himself a master o listing old video games, and Elliott reminisces about a Cub Scout field trip that ended with tits.

0:00 - 0:37 - Introduction and theme.
0:38 - 1:54 - The whole team is back together again, so to celebrate they ramble off-topic for a while.
1:55 - 37:13 - We talk about Prom Night, a shocking expose about the incompetence of the Bridgeport police department.
37:14 - 40:35 - Final judgments.
40:36 - 49:27 - We explain why we haven't had the Flop House contest winner on, announce a winner of the Ewe Boll contest, and Dan shamelessly plugs his own project.
49:28 - 52:54 - The sad bastards recommend.
52:55 - 54:30 - Goodbyes, theme, outtakes, and many, many sound effects

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Wikipedia synopsis of Prom Night

The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun

We give you directions on how to make your own Flop House at home.

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A One-Act Play

NO EXIT (TO THIS CONVERSATION)

by Dan McCoy

Lights up. Dan sits at the reception desk of the college admissions office where he works.

PHONE RINGS. Dan picks it up. We hear the voice on the other end.

WOMAN
Hi. I'm wondering where most of the classes are held?

DAN
What? I'm not sure what you mean.

WOMAN
Where most of the classes are held.

DAN
There's not one single place where classes are held. I'm not sure what you need-- a street address?

WOMAN
No, just, like, where most of the classes are held.

DAN
Classes are held in several different buildings. The main administration for the [REDACTED] school is in [REDACTED] Hall.

WOMAN
So is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Some classes are held there. They're in different places on campus.

WOMAN
Yeah, that's what I mean. Campus.

DAN
Okay. The campus is at [STREET ADDRESS]

WOMAN
And is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Campus?

WOMAN
Yes.

DAN
Yes. Yes, the classes are held on campus.

Dan pulls out a gun and shoots the phone. Then he shoots himself. His ghost murders the woman. The earth is absorbed by the sun.*

BLACKOUT

*This portion of the play is not based on fact.

New Show Alert! "Shameful Display" at The Magnet Theater

Hey, crazy political season, right? Yep, yep, yep. Lots of stuff going on. I bet there's a lot of comedy potential in this whole "electing the president" thing, and whatnot. Seems like someone should do something about it. I mean, other than The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, pretty much any monologue jokes on any late-night talk show (and some of the daytime ones), countless YouTube sketches, and pretty much every stand-up out there.

But most of those guys are on TV. What about if you want some live political sketch comedy, done by some people who have friends who work on a couple of the aforementioned television shows, but aren't successful enough to work in television themselves? Doesn't that sound AWESOME?*

Come to The Magnet Theater, one of NYC's premiere sketch and improv venues on Sunday, October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9, to see SHAMEFUL DISPLAY, a series of political sketch comedy shows leading up to (and just after) the election. And the best part (well, I'm assuming, if you're reading my blog) is that I'll be co-writing and performing in the shows.

Watch this space for more information, as the dates approach.

*I'm mastering the soft-sell. Is it doing anything for you?

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Three is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and writer Ritch Duncan to talk about Wild Hogs, the movie that posits that middle aged actors on motorcycles is inherently funny. Meanwhile, Elliott does his scarily accurate Ray Liotta laugh, Dan delves into John Travolta's tortured psyche, and Ritch proposes a Bruce Springsteen simile that perfectly sums up The Flop House.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:45 - We welcome back Elliott Kalan, make fun of Stuart, and reintroduce Ritch Duncan.
2:46 - 40:22 - We make up for our spottily-released late summer shows by making this our second-longest episode ever and spending far too much time discussing Wild Hogs-- possibly more than the screenwriter took to write it.
40:23 - 44:30 - Final judgments.
44:31 - 49:10 - We congratulate Elliott on some huge news, and spend a little time discussing the Ewe Boll contest (with a brief R.I.P. for Dan's local video rental place).
49:11 - 55:56 - The sad bastards recommend.
55:57 - 57:28 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Wild Hogs

New Show Alert: Smile Time Variety Hour, Sept. 20

Come see me perform sketch comedy (possibly some written by me, although that is undetermined, as of yet) at this theater benefit at the Brooklyn Lyceum:

Captains in Space Episode Eight: The Venusian Candidate is OUT NOW!

Leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer guest stars as Spacewoman Schaefer, a politician who's in the fight of her life to become the next President of Space. Who stands in her way? Two co-captains and a lady computer. It's decision 2089 -- who's ready to be pandered to?

ALSO: Shiny new credit sequence! And Eric Zuckerman as a hairy detective. You may have seen him earlier this year stuffing food down his pants in the hit comedy Baby Mama. And now he stuffs this episode... down his pants.

Subscribe via iTunes, download it, or watch it via YouTube, below:

THE VENUSIAN CANDIDATE

Episode Written by: Dan McCoy
Additional Material by: The Captains in Space writing staff
Producer/ Assistant Director/ Editor: Fed Hatoum
Director/ Cinematography/ Audio: Brad Bergbom
3D Modeling: Winston Johnson
Special Effects: Fed Hatoum
Special make-up effects: Dan McCoy
Theme music: Keith Burgun
Head Writer: Dan McCoy
Writing Staff: Matt Koff, Fed Hatoum, Andrew Dickerson

Cast:
Captain Fed - Fed Hatoum
Captain Matt - Matt Koff
Frankie - Vedette Lim
Spacewoman Schaefer - Sara Schaefer
Kojackal - Eric Zuckerman
Alien Newscaster - Elliott Kalan
Attack Ad Narrator - Dan McCoy

A NOTE: Some of you may notice that this episode features the same plot as that Kevin Costner flop Swing State, a film which you probably forgot about until I mentioned it right now, even though it was released one short month ago.

Let me assure you that I wrote this episode long before the movie was even in production (nearly two years ago -- yeah, that's how long we lag from script to screen. A bunch of real pros, we are), and we shot it back in November. So there's no connection between the two except for the writer of that movie and I both looked at how close the last two elections have been and came up with the same hack premise. Except my version, you know, actually makes sense, as it takes place in a fantasy science fiction world, rather than the real-life U.S.A., which has a little something called the Electoral College.

Anyway, America has already rejected Costner's version. So let's just pretend it doesn't exist, kay?

The Flop House Movie Minute #12 - Ewe Boll Contest

We honor the modern-day Ed Wood with a contest.

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The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Written

Greetings my budding Brandos, my nascent Oliviers, my fetal Baxter-Birneys. Greetings and welcome to Classical Modes of Theater. In this class you will learn of our grand theatrical past, from puppetry and mime, to tumbling and acrobatics, to oiled, naked, pagan fertility rituals -- the recreation of which, by the way, can be attempted for extra credit, provided that I am present and allowed to videotape, for liability reasons. Those among you who would describe yourself as "nubile" can sign up on the sheet by the door on the way out.

But today, dear junior thespians, we will be examining the 16th century Italian comedic tradition -- perhaps the pinnacle of theatrical comedy, my ducklings. For it was then that traveling troupes of comedians developed the semi-improvised form known as Commedia dell'Fart.

Do not laugh! PHILISTINES! NAY-SAYERS! UNWILLING NUBILES! Commedia dell'Fart is serious business, and a solemn trust. Skilled players trained for years, honing their archetypal characters, so that they might best elicit laughter through the precise deployment of farts and fart-like expellations. They were the most respected of the great gas-based comedy traditions of Europe.

And any examination of their craft must necessarily begin with an explication of those archetypes. You see, each member of the troupe had their specialty -- their very own stock character, which would interact with the others in the troupe, following certain basic story outlines, but always leaving room for the off-the-cuff explorations of individual fartists' fartistry. Thus, I shall list the primary characters:

Fartecchino, or the Fartlequin -- The merry jokester of the group, he is distinguished both by the traditional diamond pattern on his jester's suit, and the diamond-shaped puffs of smoke he blows with his anus. He often wears an "Infartnito," or butt-mask. Upon this oversized pair of novelty buttocks, are placed several warts, painted with vibrant colors. When pierced, these faux warts erupted with stage pus (most often surplus cannoli filling) and expelled tiny puffs of gas, creating musical mini-farts. When ruptured in the proper order, they would play a song -- usually something by Scarlatti, or Avril Lavigne's song "Girlfriend" (in modern performances).

Il Capootano -- The boldest of the fartistes, distinguished by the unusual strength of his farts, he appears in military dress and provides the traditional denoument of a Commedia dell'Fart scenario: the defeat of the villian by way of a live cannon round discharged from between his cheeks. Also, should a member of the troupe die, it is he who is responsible for the traditional 21-fart salute.

The Fartamore -- These are the lovers, distinguished as such by the delicacy and length of their emissions. While initially at odds with one another ("Il suo obiettivo fa un rumore tremendo che dà me uno mal di testa" is a traditional Commedia cry, meaning "The noise of your ass gives me a migraine") they learn to love one another when they discover that, while their odors are terrible apart, when their farts mingle they create a pleasant miasma smelling of lemon curd, fresh-baked bread, and orchids.

Pantalone -- Literally "pants." Ironically named because he wears none, for the length of the play. Oh, how amusing it is to see his genitals swing about, blown aloft by the gust eminating from between...

[commotion]

WHAT! WHAT IS THIS? UNHAND ME!

What leads you to manhandle me so, ruffian?

You say that I have no formal training in the history of theater? You claim that I am not a professor, and that this school, far from being an accredited institution is the boiler room of the sports stadium where my mother plays the organ? You go on to say that I have several restraining orders against me, filed by nubile young pagans?

Well, yes... those claims are true in the broad strokes, but isn't life shades of grey? Isn't...

AUGH! MY BUTTOCKS! I HAVE NEVER RECIEVED SUCH A KICKING! AND ALL BECAUSE I MADE UP AN OFF-COLOR ITALIAN THEATER TRADITION! BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

[crying]

I NEVER LEARNED TO FART.

[At this point the author looks at what he has written, and realizes he's wasted his life.]

The Shocking Truth About Joe Lieberman

THOSE AREN'T JOWLS!

Don't forget to oil your jaw hinge, Joey!

This Fall, Bangkok Gets CAGED

I'm fascinated by the upcoming film Bangkok Dangerous, and all the questions it raises. Some of my questions involve Nicholas Cage's greasy hair, and whether he uses it to whip thugs into submission, but most focus on the title. Are the villains that Nic Cage faces so devilishly (and grammatically) evil that they've stolen the word "is" from the very title of the film? Is it a play on the everyday phrase "Bangkok Dangerous?" As in, "Oh, you don't want to fuck with Nic Cage, man. That motherfucker is BANGKOK Dangerous." Is the entire film simply a poorly-translated warning video put out by the Bankok tourism board, and if so, what's their budget? Nic Cage's greasy hair don't come cheap.

Mainly, I just wonder what they'll name the sequel. "Bangkok Dangerous" is such a perfect void of meaning, a phrase of such exquisite, dumb emptiness that I worry it can't be topped. When you stare into Bangkok Dangerous, Bangkok Dangerous stares back into you.

Still, I thought I could offer the producers some possibilities. One obvious option is simply to switch locations:




















Or they could move to a different city and add some punk rock flair:




















Better yet, they could expand on the sexual pun inherent in "Bangkok:"




















Perhaps they could keep the innuendo while maintaining a faux-Eastern feel...




















Or they could dispense with all subtlety, and go more clinical:




















But they should probably just go with something brutally honest:

Sara Palin Scandals

The haste with which John McCain made his Vice Presidential candidate choice made a thorough vetting impossible. As a result, a number of potential scandals have been uncovered by political bloggers. Here's a guide to some of the lesser-known scandals:

• In an interview, she claimed her biggest flaw was that she "cares too much," when her biggest flaw is actually that she's "a perfectionist."
• She passes along email forwards without checking Snopes.
• Her favorite Indiana Jones movie was Crystal Skull, and she thought the Star Wars prequels were "cute."
• She came to your dinner party without warning you that she's lactose intolerant.
• On escalators, she stands to the left and walks on the right.
• She told a friend that she thought you were looking "a little chubby."
• She Twitters you all the time about lame bullshit.
• She eats oysters in months without an "R."
• She's really looking forward to Bangkok Dangerous.

The Flop House Episode #22 is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and BestWeekEver.tv blogger Sara Schaefer to discuss Vantage Point, the movie that proves that any flimsy concept can be stretched to 85 minutes with the strategic deployment of flashbacks. Meanwhile, Sara reveals her tragic film-memory affliction, Stuart poses a provocative animal question, and Dan reveals a surprising amount of Funky Winkerbean knowledge.












Guest host Sara Schaefer with the Hulkster. Can you afford not to listen to this episode?

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:30 - We introduce our guest co-host, leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer.
2:31 - 35:29 - We each give our vantage points on the film Vantage Point. See what I did there? I made you want to shoot yourself.
35:30 - 38:40 - Final judgments.
38:41 - 43:28 - We announce the WINNER OF THE FLOP HOUSE CONTEST!
43:29 - 47:17 - The sad bastards recommend. (Also, according to our web research, the second movie Sara recommends-- the one where she can't remember the title-- is probably Butcher Wing.)
47:18 - 52:11 - Sara plugs some stuff, and Stuart demonstrates his complete misunderstanding of the concept of plugs.
52:12 - 53:29 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Vantage Point












Dan and Sara enjoy a giant goblet of something.