The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun

We give you directions on how to make your own Flop House at home.

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A One-Act Play

NO EXIT (TO THIS CONVERSATION)

by Dan McCoy

Lights up. Dan sits at the reception desk of the college admissions office where he works.

PHONE RINGS. Dan picks it up. We hear the voice on the other end.

WOMAN
Hi. I'm wondering where most of the classes are held?

DAN
What? I'm not sure what you mean.

WOMAN
Where most of the classes are held.

DAN
There's not one single place where classes are held. I'm not sure what you need-- a street address?

WOMAN
No, just, like, where most of the classes are held.

DAN
Classes are held in several different buildings. The main administration for the [REDACTED] school is in [REDACTED] Hall.

WOMAN
So is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Some classes are held there. They're in different places on campus.

WOMAN
Yeah, that's what I mean. Campus.

DAN
Okay. The campus is at [STREET ADDRESS]

WOMAN
And is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Campus?

WOMAN
Yes.

DAN
Yes. Yes, the classes are held on campus.

Dan pulls out a gun and shoots the phone. Then he shoots himself. His ghost murders the woman. The earth is absorbed by the sun.*

BLACKOUT

*This portion of the play is not based on fact.

New Show Alert! "Shameful Display" at The Magnet Theater

Hey, crazy political season, right? Yep, yep, yep. Lots of stuff going on. I bet there's a lot of comedy potential in this whole "electing the president" thing, and whatnot. Seems like someone should do something about it. I mean, other than The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, pretty much any monologue jokes on any late-night talk show (and some of the daytime ones), countless YouTube sketches, and pretty much every stand-up out there.

But most of those guys are on TV. What about if you want some live political sketch comedy, done by some people who have friends who work on a couple of the aforementioned television shows, but aren't successful enough to work in television themselves? Doesn't that sound AWESOME?*

Come to The Magnet Theater, one of NYC's premiere sketch and improv venues on Sunday, October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9, to see SHAMEFUL DISPLAY, a series of political sketch comedy shows leading up to (and just after) the election. And the best part (well, I'm assuming, if you're reading my blog) is that I'll be co-writing and performing in the shows.

Watch this space for more information, as the dates approach.

*I'm mastering the soft-sell. Is it doing anything for you?

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Three is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and writer Ritch Duncan to talk about Wild Hogs, the movie that posits that middle aged actors on motorcycles is inherently funny. Meanwhile, Elliott does his scarily accurate Ray Liotta laugh, Dan delves into John Travolta's tortured psyche, and Ritch proposes a Bruce Springsteen simile that perfectly sums up The Flop House.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:45 - We welcome back Elliott Kalan, make fun of Stuart, and reintroduce Ritch Duncan.
2:46 - 40:22 - We make up for our spottily-released late summer shows by making this our second-longest episode ever and spending far too much time discussing Wild Hogs-- possibly more than the screenwriter took to write it.
40:23 - 44:30 - Final judgments.
44:31 - 49:10 - We congratulate Elliott on some huge news, and spend a little time discussing the Ewe Boll contest (with a brief R.I.P. for Dan's local video rental place).
49:11 - 55:56 - The sad bastards recommend.
55:57 - 57:28 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Wild Hogs

New Show Alert: Smile Time Variety Hour, Sept. 20

Come see me perform sketch comedy (possibly some written by me, although that is undetermined, as of yet) at this theater benefit at the Brooklyn Lyceum:

Captains in Space Episode Eight: The Venusian Candidate is OUT NOW!

Leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer guest stars as Spacewoman Schaefer, a politician who's in the fight of her life to become the next President of Space. Who stands in her way? Two co-captains and a lady computer. It's decision 2089 -- who's ready to be pandered to?

ALSO: Shiny new credit sequence! And Eric Zuckerman as a hairy detective. You may have seen him earlier this year stuffing food down his pants in the hit comedy Baby Mama. And now he stuffs this episode... down his pants.

Subscribe via iTunes, download it, or watch it via YouTube, below:

THE VENUSIAN CANDIDATE

Episode Written by: Dan McCoy
Additional Material by: The Captains in Space writing staff
Producer/ Assistant Director/ Editor: Fed Hatoum
Director/ Cinematography/ Audio: Brad Bergbom
3D Modeling: Winston Johnson
Special Effects: Fed Hatoum
Special make-up effects: Dan McCoy
Theme music: Keith Burgun
Head Writer: Dan McCoy
Writing Staff: Matt Koff, Fed Hatoum, Andrew Dickerson

Cast:
Captain Fed - Fed Hatoum
Captain Matt - Matt Koff
Frankie - Vedette Lim
Spacewoman Schaefer - Sara Schaefer
Kojackal - Eric Zuckerman
Alien Newscaster - Elliott Kalan
Attack Ad Narrator - Dan McCoy

A NOTE: Some of you may notice that this episode features the same plot as that Kevin Costner flop Swing State, a film which you probably forgot about until I mentioned it right now, even though it was released one short month ago.

Let me assure you that I wrote this episode long before the movie was even in production (nearly two years ago -- yeah, that's how long we lag from script to screen. A bunch of real pros, we are), and we shot it back in November. So there's no connection between the two except for the writer of that movie and I both looked at how close the last two elections have been and came up with the same hack premise. Except my version, you know, actually makes sense, as it takes place in a fantasy science fiction world, rather than the real-life U.S.A., which has a little something called the Electoral College.

Anyway, America has already rejected Costner's version. So let's just pretend it doesn't exist, kay?

The Flop House Movie Minute #12 - Ewe Boll Contest

We honor the modern-day Ed Wood with a contest.

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The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Written

Greetings my budding Brandos, my nascent Oliviers, my fetal Baxter-Birneys. Greetings and welcome to Classical Modes of Theater. In this class you will learn of our grand theatrical past, from puppetry and mime, to tumbling and acrobatics, to oiled, naked, pagan fertility rituals -- the recreation of which, by the way, can be attempted for extra credit, provided that I am present and allowed to videotape, for liability reasons. Those among you who would describe yourself as "nubile" can sign up on the sheet by the door on the way out.

But today, dear junior thespians, we will be examining the 16th century Italian comedic tradition -- perhaps the pinnacle of theatrical comedy, my ducklings. For it was then that traveling troupes of comedians developed the semi-improvised form known as Commedia dell'Fart.

Do not laugh! PHILISTINES! NAY-SAYERS! UNWILLING NUBILES! Commedia dell'Fart is serious business, and a solemn trust. Skilled players trained for years, honing their archetypal characters, so that they might best elicit laughter through the precise deployment of farts and fart-like expellations. They were the most respected of the great gas-based comedy traditions of Europe.

And any examination of their craft must necessarily begin with an explication of those archetypes. You see, each member of the troupe had their specialty -- their very own stock character, which would interact with the others in the troupe, following certain basic story outlines, but always leaving room for the off-the-cuff explorations of individual fartists' fartistry. Thus, I shall list the primary characters:

Fartecchino, or the Fartlequin -- The merry jokester of the group, he is distinguished both by the traditional diamond pattern on his jester's suit, and the diamond-shaped puffs of smoke he blows with his anus. He often wears an "Infartnito," or butt-mask. Upon this oversized pair of novelty buttocks, are placed several warts, painted with vibrant colors. When pierced, these faux warts erupted with stage pus (most often surplus cannoli filling) and expelled tiny puffs of gas, creating musical mini-farts. When ruptured in the proper order, they would play a song -- usually something by Scarlatti, or Avril Lavigne's song "Girlfriend" (in modern performances).

Il Capootano -- The boldest of the fartistes, distinguished by the unusual strength of his farts, he appears in military dress and provides the traditional denoument of a Commedia dell'Fart scenario: the defeat of the villian by way of a live cannon round discharged from between his cheeks. Also, should a member of the troupe die, it is he who is responsible for the traditional 21-fart salute.

The Fartamore -- These are the lovers, distinguished as such by the delicacy and length of their emissions. While initially at odds with one another ("Il suo obiettivo fa un rumore tremendo che dà me uno mal di testa" is a traditional Commedia cry, meaning "The noise of your ass gives me a migraine") they learn to love one another when they discover that, while their odors are terrible apart, when their farts mingle they create a pleasant miasma smelling of lemon curd, fresh-baked bread, and orchids.

Pantalone -- Literally "pants." Ironically named because he wears none, for the length of the play. Oh, how amusing it is to see his genitals swing about, blown aloft by the gust eminating from between...

[commotion]

WHAT! WHAT IS THIS? UNHAND ME!

What leads you to manhandle me so, ruffian?

You say that I have no formal training in the history of theater? You claim that I am not a professor, and that this school, far from being an accredited institution is the boiler room of the sports stadium where my mother plays the organ? You go on to say that I have several restraining orders against me, filed by nubile young pagans?

Well, yes... those claims are true in the broad strokes, but isn't life shades of grey? Isn't...

AUGH! MY BUTTOCKS! I HAVE NEVER RECIEVED SUCH A KICKING! AND ALL BECAUSE I MADE UP AN OFF-COLOR ITALIAN THEATER TRADITION! BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

[crying]

I NEVER LEARNED TO FART.

[At this point the author looks at what he has written, and realizes he's wasted his life.]

The Shocking Truth About Joe Lieberman

THOSE AREN'T JOWLS!

Don't forget to oil your jaw hinge, Joey!

This Fall, Bangkok Gets CAGED

I'm fascinated by the upcoming film Bangkok Dangerous, and all the questions it raises. Some of my questions involve Nicholas Cage's greasy hair, and whether he uses it to whip thugs into submission, but most focus on the title. Are the villains that Nic Cage faces so devilishly (and grammatically) evil that they've stolen the word "is" from the very title of the film? Is it a play on the everyday phrase "Bangkok Dangerous?" As in, "Oh, you don't want to fuck with Nic Cage, man. That motherfucker is BANGKOK Dangerous." Is the entire film simply a poorly-translated warning video put out by the Bankok tourism board, and if so, what's their budget? Nic Cage's greasy hair don't come cheap.

Mainly, I just wonder what they'll name the sequel. "Bangkok Dangerous" is such a perfect void of meaning, a phrase of such exquisite, dumb emptiness that I worry it can't be topped. When you stare into Bangkok Dangerous, Bangkok Dangerous stares back into you.

Still, I thought I could offer the producers some possibilities. One obvious option is simply to switch locations:




















Or they could move to a different city and add some punk rock flair:




















Better yet, they could expand on the sexual pun inherent in "Bangkok:"




















Perhaps they could keep the innuendo while maintaining a faux-Eastern feel...




















Or they could dispense with all subtlety, and go more clinical:




















But they should probably just go with something brutally honest:

Sara Palin Scandals

The haste with which John McCain made his Vice Presidential candidate choice made a thorough vetting impossible. As a result, a number of potential scandals have been uncovered by political bloggers. Here's a guide to some of the lesser-known scandals:

• In an interview, she claimed her biggest flaw was that she "cares too much," when her biggest flaw is actually that she's "a perfectionist."
• She passes along email forwards without checking Snopes.
• Her favorite Indiana Jones movie was Crystal Skull, and she thought the Star Wars prequels were "cute."
• She came to your dinner party without warning you that she's lactose intolerant.
• On escalators, she stands to the left and walks on the right.
• She told a friend that she thought you were looking "a little chubby."
• She Twitters you all the time about lame bullshit.
• She eats oysters in months without an "R."
• She's really looking forward to Bangkok Dangerous.

The Flop House Episode #22 is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and BestWeekEver.tv blogger Sara Schaefer to discuss Vantage Point, the movie that proves that any flimsy concept can be stretched to 85 minutes with the strategic deployment of flashbacks. Meanwhile, Sara reveals her tragic film-memory affliction, Stuart poses a provocative animal question, and Dan reveals a surprising amount of Funky Winkerbean knowledge.












Guest host Sara Schaefer with the Hulkster. Can you afford not to listen to this episode?

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:30 - We introduce our guest co-host, leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer.
2:31 - 35:29 - We each give our vantage points on the film Vantage Point. See what I did there? I made you want to shoot yourself.
35:30 - 38:40 - Final judgments.
38:41 - 43:28 - We announce the WINNER OF THE FLOP HOUSE CONTEST!
43:29 - 47:17 - The sad bastards recommend. (Also, according to our web research, the second movie Sara recommends-- the one where she can't remember the title-- is probably Butcher Wing.)
47:18 - 52:11 - Sara plugs some stuff, and Stuart demonstrates his complete misunderstanding of the concept of plugs.
52:12 - 53:29 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Vantage Point












Dan and Sara enjoy a giant goblet of something.

Predicted Future (Unpopular) Porn Film

I apologize to everyone.

Obama's Vice Presidential Candidate: Weighing the Options

It seems like the number one question on everyone’s mind these days, other than, “Should I pre-order tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua now, to avoid the inevitable opening weekend rush?” is: “Who will presidential hopeful Barack Obama choose to be his running mate?”

Well, lucky for you America (and for you, Mr. Obama, wherever you’re from – as far as I’ve been able to glean from e-mail forwards, I believe it’s the Terror Province of Lower Muslimistan) you have me to guide you through the possible candidates. So let me take a moment to put on my pundit hat (a rather smart trilby, topped with a blue jay feather) and let’s get analyzing.

HILARY CLINTON

Former first lady. Failed Democratic presidential candidate.

PROS: Will bring in wide base of Hilary-supporters, who would otherwise be convinced that the logical alternative to a female Democratic senator is an elderly anti-choice white guy whose legislative voting history puts him 95% in agreement with George W. Bush. Because… y’know… if she’s not president they’re taking their ball and going home.

CONS: Said supporters are also probably people who watch Lifetime because it’s “Television for Women,” even though Lifetime’s idea of women’s TV is a never-ending stream of television movies about housewives who’ve had webcams secretly installed in their bathroom, pool house, and nude-lounge by that creepy guy next door. Shouldn’t Obama aim higher? At least go for Oxygen-viewers.

MICHAEL PHELPS

Olympian. Mark Spitz impersonator.

PROS: With his history-making 14 career Olympic medals and 8 medals from the Bejing Olympic – the highest single-Olympics performance – Michael Phelps may be the most popular sports figure in America right now, and could ride a post-games wave of patriotism right into the White House. Also, his freakishly large feet could distract from Obama’s freakishly large ears.

CONS: Weak on the economy.

JACKIE CHAN

Hong Kong action star. Death-defyer.

PROS: The McCain camp seeks to draw attention to Obama’s “otherness” through coded references to his racial identity, so why shouldn’t Obama take advantage of it, by teaming up with Jackie Chan—everyone’s favorite choice to round out an ethnically mismatched buddy duo?!

CONS: Chan getting too old to successfully perform the “jump from the top of the Washington Monument” trick required of all VP’s—at least without the aid of a stunt man.

PARIS HILTON

Something something heiress. Something sex tape.

PROS: Apparently a pretty big celebrity, according to John McCain, or whatever staff member who follows pop culture from five years ago on his behalf. Also: anyone seems to be a person of substance when standing next to Paris Hilton.

CONS: In the words of Tina Fey, “Is a piece of shit.”

JOHN MCCONE

Former C.I.A. director. Cuban Missle Crisis survivor.

PROS: Congressional Medal of Honor winner. Worked with other democratic presidents, JFK and Lyndon Johnson. However, his main value to the Obama camp would be name recognition. Specifically, John McCain’s. McCone would be sure to bring in a statistically significant number of votes from nearsighted Republicans.

CONS: Intelligence operatives not all that popular right now. Also, is a corpse.

A PACK OF JUICY FRUIT

Popular gum. Food alternative.

PROS: The taste is gonna move ya... TO THE POLLS!

CONS: I’m clearly getting tired of writing this.

Bartlett's Forgotten Quotations

"I really think I should publish this under a more respectable name than 'Chuck Dick.'"
--Charles Dickens

"Où ce sceptre est? J'oublierais ma tête s'il ne m'a pas été attaché.
--Marie Antoinette

"Then, after the orgy, the puppet show!"
--Caligula

"Burn all my ten-dollar bills"
--Aaron Burr

"...In Bed."
-- Confucius

"Is it just me, or does something smell like krill?"
--Jonah

"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for MY BALLS, LADIES!"
--John F. Kennedy

"I'm dying of what?"
--Marie Curie

Summer Health Tips

• The darker your complexion, the less susceptible you are to most types of skin cancer. So stay out in the sun until your body is a uniform rosy hue. Do not be dissuaded if this outer layer of skin peels off within a day or two. If you keep up your blackening regimen, your entire body will soon be covered with irregularly shaped protective “sun retardants.”
• Watermelon can be a delicious treat… if you’re a racist.
• The heat tends to effect pets and the elderly the most. One lucrative summer job is to run a “dead pool” on your local city pound and/or retirement home. Just be conscious of rolling blackouts – one deadly heat wave can throw your odds off for the whole summer. That’s what killed Bugsy Siegel.
• Remember that, while an ice-cold beer can be refreshing, alcohol dehydrates you. If you’re planning a day in the sun, stick to dreadful, watery beers like Budweiser.
• Close the drapes during the day, to keep heat out. Unless you live at 10 Fulton Ave., Brooklyn. Then keep leaving them open, especially when you’re in the bed and bathrooms. And don’t look too closely at the apartment across from you.
• You know how people discuss what the “song of the summer” is? Yeah, don’t do that. It’s a leading cause of me punching you in the neck.
• Window units may seem like an effective way to cool a room—that is, until they become sentient and murder you as a sacrifice to their horrible god, Freon the Freezestroyer. He rode a polar bear and came brandishing icicles, and when he was done with his chilly business, the rivers would have run red with blood, had they not been frozen. He knows your heart is warm, and he hates you for it.
• Using the oven can heat up your apartment fast. Be sure to leave the oven door open to help disperse the heat. Note: this may result in longer cook times: up to 5 minutes for ground beef, and 7 minutes for chicken.
• Turning the lights off can lead to substantial energy savings and a cooler home. It can also lead to GETTING IT ON! OH YEAAAAH.
• Run your fucking air conditioner, you goofy sonuvabitch. What, you afraid Al Gore’s gonna beat you with a sack of windmills? Jeezus.

Gratuitous Sex Humor

Because eventually someone's gonna stop paying for the hosting/ bandwidth of the long-defunct Jest.com, I present to you this old piece I wrote, via the medium of screenshots, rescued before its possible disappearance into the web-ether.

The Flop House Movie Minute #11 - Listener Feedback

We talk with the listeners, walk with the listeners.

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Some Selections from My Popular Series of Humorous Essay Collections

So, there are fleabag motels, but has there ever been a "fleabag?" Why would anyone collect a bag of fleas?
-- Excerpt from Dannuggets: The Gentle Observational Humor of Dan McCoy

I'm trying to lose weight, so for an appetizer, I now order the "Bloomin' Green Onion."
-- Excerpt from Dan in Meal Life: The Gentle Culinary Humor of Dan McCoy

Why do they call it menstruation? Am I right, guys?
-- Excerpt from The Dan Show: The Gentle Misogynist Observations of Dan McCoy

What's the deal with Timber Wolves? They don't live in wood houses. They don't eat timber. Although, I guess if wolves were named after what they ate, they'd all be called "Rabbits and Other Small Game Wolves."
-- Excerpt from Dan is With Wolves: The Gentile Lupine Observations of Dan McCoy

I was getting arrested for breaking and entering, and I wondered, does anyone ever get arrested for just "breaking?" Like, they open the door, and figure that's enough for one day? Or maybe they just really hate locks.
-- Excerpt from Stealie Dan: The Gentle Criminal Comedy of Dan McCoy

"Living on a Prayer?" Why not just sing "I'm Between the Ages of 27-35 and Lack Imagination?"
-- Excerpt from Dan, Sing With the Stars: The Gentle Karaoke Komedy of Dan MkKoy

I call them high heels, because you've gotta be high to deal with the toe pain, right ladies?
-- Excerpt from Dan's Her in the Dark: The Gentle Cross-Dressing Humor of Dan McCoy

My buddy Ellington keeps suggesting swing time, but I can't get my wife to go for it!
-- Excerpt from Dango Reinhardt: The Gentle Jazzy Humor of Dan McCoy

Some people say that Anastasia is still alive, but I think they're just tsar losers.
-- Excerpt from Dan's Dan's Revolution: The Gentle Bolshevik Observations of Dan McCoy

Didja ever notice how Dan McCoy's always writing half-assed blog posts?
-- Excerpt from Rather Dan: The Gentile Dan-centered Danservations of Dan McDan

The Flop House Episode Twenty-One is ONLINE

Of all the Japanese horror film remakes, One Missed Call is certainly one of them. Meanwhile, Elliott pitches a great idea for a Sixth Sense TV show, Stuart attempts to smuggle a twig and some berries, Dan announces which news anchor is the Flop House's nemesis, and we get a surprise visit from Oliver Sudden.

0:00 - 0:33 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 1:57 - We take a moment to discuss Stuart's choice of attire.
1:58 - 38:02 - We discuss the film One Missed Call, the movie that asks the question, "Can anything be all bad, if it involves Ray Wise?"
38:03 - 41:09 - Final judgments.
41:10 - 49:21- The sad bastards recommend.
49:22 - 51:45 - More on the Flop House contest, and goodbyes.
51:46 - 52:30 - Theme and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of One Missed Call