In honor of tomorrow's debut of our sketch show,
The Summer Funtime Special (get your discount
tickets here), I present to you this unused sketch. It was cut for time, as it is a bit lengthy. But it
LIVES ON, here, as an
INTERNET EXCLUSIVE! I bet you're happy you shelled out for that high-speed connection now!
The Campfire Sketchby Dan McCoy
Four campers sit around a fire: TERRY, JILL, GREGOR, and MILTON. They toast marshmallows and drink some beers from a cooler.
JILL
Thanks for putting this camping trip together, Terry. God, I’ve missed you guys – college seems like it was ages ago.
TERRY
It was!
JILL
Don’t remind me – I have the mirror to do that!
(Cheesy laughter.)
MILTON
So, Terry, we’ve had some beers… making s’mores. What’s next on the camping cliché checklist of fun. Are we gonna tell scary stories?
JILL
Ooh, yeah! We should do some spooky campfire tales.
GREGOR
How about it, Terry? You were always the actor.
TERRY
Well, I
was in Arsenic and Old Lace…
(Encouraging noises from the group)
TERRY (cont’d)
Okay, well here’s one my dad used to pull out on family trips. (flashlight under chin) There was this couple, and late one night, they were in these very woods, getting to know one another pretty closely in the back seat of a car – just like Jill and Gregor used to do…
(Scattered laughter)
TERRY (cont’d)
So suddenly, the Al Green, or Bel Biv DeVoe, or whatever on the radio gets interrupted by a news flash. It seems that this serial killer has escaped from the local mental institution, a madman with a razor-sharp hook for his hand. Now the guy wants to keep going at it…
JILL
Just like Gregor used to!
TERRY
But the girl insists that they go home. So he grumbles a little, but they buckle up and head home, and the guy gets out to let her out of the car, show he’s still a gentleman, and he reaches for her door handle – and there’s the killer’s hook, embedded in the door! True story. And they were the lucky ones. Year after year, other kids disappeared, but the killer was never caught. And I know, because… I’M THE KILLER.
(He raises up his arm, to show that his hand is gone [concealed in his sleeve]. Jill mock screams and the others laugh, except Milton, who stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS Terry multiple times)
JILL
Milton!
GREGOR
Milton, what the fuck man?!
TERRY
You shot me!
MILTON
You heard him! He’s an escaped serial killer! He probably lured us all out here into the woods to murder us all and wear our skins! But he didn’t count on one thing: Milton Greenburger! Now step aside so I can finish him off!
GREGOR
Milton, you jackass, it was just a part of the story!
MILTON
Well, what happened to his hand then? Huh? Explain that,
“Ask Jeeves!” JILL
His hand’s fine! He just stuck it in his sleeve!
MILTON
Look, it’s not my fault if Terry’s a special effects wizard! If someone says they’re a serial killer, I shoot first and ask questions later.
JILL
You’ve known him for 20 years! It was a campfire story!
MILTON
Well, look, I guess I’m “sorry” or whatever, but I think Terry should be a little more careful when he makes false confessions.
GREGOR
Terry, hang in there, man. We’re gonna get you to a hospital.
TERRY
Don’t yell at Milton. It’s just multiple flesh wounds. I don’t want to ruin the weekend.
GREGOR
Are you kidding me? He shot you!
TERRY
Listen. I may be shot, but this whole reunion will be shot if we argue with each other. Milton, I forgive you.
MILTON
Whatever.
TERRY
I’m just gonna crawl over to the car and grab my cell phone to call an ambulance. But that’s no reason to stop the fun. You know what would really make help focus my mind so I don’t black out on the way? Another campfire story. Gregor, you got one?
GREGOR
Uh, yeah. Sure, Terry. Anything you need. Another story…
(While Gregor speaks, Terry crawls slowly offstage)
GREGOR
Um. (flashlight to chin) Late one night a young woman was driving home, in a terrible storm, when she noticed a truck following her. It sped up, so she sped up. She took turn after turn, but it stayed on her tail. Then, the truck turned on its high beams. “Is he trying to blind me?” she thought. “Run me off the road?” It flashed the high beams again. Finally, she lost him on a back road. And it was only then that she realized the trucker had been trying to warn her about the killer in the back seat! The police caught him, but I heard on the radio tonight, that he escaped. In fact, I think I might hear him… BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!
(Gregor points offstage, where Terry has just EXITED. Milton, stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS offstage. Terry SCREAMS)
TERRY
What the fuck!
JILL
Milton!
MILTON
What?
JILL
WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS!
(Terry STUMBLES BACK ONSTAGE)
TERRY
(to no-one in particular) He shot me again!
MILTON
Oh, I see. That was just part of the story too. Well, newsflash: if someone points to the bushes and yells killer, I’m perforating those bushes!
GREGOR
Why do you even carry a gun?!
MILTON
Who else is going to protect us from this barrage of killers?
GREGOR
What killers?
MILTON
It’s not my fault if I’m confused. I mean, first
Terry was the killer. Then the killer’s in the
bushes. Why do you have to break the fourth wall in all of these stories anyway?
TERRY
Amen to that.
MILTON
Perhaps you want to examine your use of
dangerous narrative devices, before you blame my unregistered handgun.
TERRY
Um, guys, in all the excitement of being shot multiple times, I forgot to call that ambulance. Maybe you should drive me…
JILL
Oh god! Can we argue about this later, and just get Terry to the hospital?
MILTON
I’m not getting in a car with a suspected murderer.
JILL
He’s not a murderer. How many times do we have to…(She approaches Milton, who brandishes the gun at her. She changes tactics.) Fine. You wanna hear another campfire story, Milton? Here’s a story…
TERRY
Jill, no… it’s not worth it!
JILL
One dark night, four old college buddies were sitting around a campfire, telling stories. Little did they realize that one of them had no concept of how campfire stories worked, and shot two of them. And I know this, because the killer… was…
(Milton slowly raises his gun.)
GREGOR
Careful, Jill!
JILL
YOU, Milton!
(Milton shoots Jill.)
JILL
What the…? YOU, Milton. I said the killer was YOU.
MILTON
I know.
JILL
But you shot
me.
MILTON
When someone accuses me of being a killer, I shoot them!
JILL
(Final breaths) We all just hung out with you because you had a car.
(Terry and Jill slump back, dead.)
GREGOR
They’re dead.
MILTON
(checking the cooler) Yeah, and all the beer’s gone. To hell with this.
(He shoots himself in the head, and falls dead. Gregor picks up the flashlight and faces the audience.)
GREGOR
And that’s the story of the crazed murderer, who, through a series of extremely unlikely circumstances, manipulated his simpleminded friend into killing his old college lover, and the man who once beat him out for a role in Arsenic and Old Lace. A tale I know all too well…
(Gregor turns on the flashlight, beneath his chin)
GREGOR (cont'd)
BECAUSE I WAS THE MURDERER!
BLACKOUT.
(Alternate ending: “And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first draft of Hamlet.”)
Mr. Federico Hatoum Esq., A.K.A. Captain Fed A.K.A. producer/co-director/editor/special effects supervisor for Captains in Space will be on East Village Radio show Fist City tonight at 9, to discuss the series. (If you want to be sure not to miss it, subscribe to the podcast feed.) Yes, a podcast being discussed on an Internet radio show that is also a podcast. Your computer may explode with the insignificance. Was Fed booked simply because the hosts of Fist City make a cameo appearance in the latest episode? You'll have to listen to find out!*
