Captains in Space Episode Four, "Future Shock," Online Now

The fourth episode of Captains in Space is online, and I couldn't be more excited. Why? Because it's the first one that I wrote. And I, of course, am an egomaniac.

So you should give this one a spin. Aside from the script by yours truly, it features Andrea Rosen, whom you may recognize from her reoccuring role on Comedy Central's sadly short-lived Stella. Or perhaps you know her from Michael Showalter's "The Baxter." Or maybe you'll just think, "Hey, it's that girl from the Fig Newtons commercial." Whichever camp you belong to, I think you'll enjoy her special guest performance.

The best way to view the episode is on your video iPod (assuming, of course, that you own a video iPod). I know that some folks are still a bit scared of the whole podcasting concept, but I assure you, it's insanely easy.

1. Click on this link. It will launch iTunes, and automatically begin downloading the latest episode.

2. Depending on your settings (under Preferences -> Podcasts -> Podcast Preferences) this episode will either automatically be copied to your iPod the next time you connect it to your computer, or you can manually add it to your iPod by just dragging and dropping like a regular song.

3. New episodes will automatically be downloaded when they become available, without you doing anything. If you don't want to get 'em anymore, just click on podcasts in iTune's side menu, click on the title in your playlist, and click the unsubscribe button near the bottom of the screen.

(if you don't use iTunes, there are different podcatcher feeds at the Captains in Space website)

No fuss, no muss.

If you, like me, are a stranger to the wonders of the video iPod you can download the quicktime file here, and view it on your computer.

Easy as pie.

Lastly, if computers frighten and confuse you, just watch the low-resolution version on YouTube. Just click the big ol' play button in the middle of the screen.



Too easy to even warrant an idiomatic saying.

Anyway, thanks for checking this out... and keep your eyes open for the next episode, also written by me, in which I play a robot. I spent a whole day in silver makeup just to entertain fine folks like you. Can you resist the charms... of ROBO-DAN? (coming soon)

(Oh, and if you want to sign up for the official mailing list, just drop a line to alerts@captainsinspace.com.)

BIG doings, Tonight!

I have two shows at the Gene Frankel Underground tonight:

First, at 7:15 PM - The last of our "Captains in Space LIVE!" events:

Tonight we will be debuting an ALL NEW EPISODE, before it's available online. See it on the big screen first (you may even be privledged to see an "early cut" as Fed might tweak it based on audience reaction... so you can brag to your friends about all the great scenes that were cut from the release version, like the one where Fed crawls around on the ceiling like a spider, or the extended Frankie shower scene).

More importantly (to me, at least), this is the first Captains episode to be written by me. I helped punch up some of the other episodes, but this is the first one to be drawn entirely from my original script. So, if you didn't care for the first three episodes but love this one you can draw your own conclusions. If you loved the first three episodes, but hate this one, then clearly the problem was in the direction. You hear me, Fed!?

Both Captain Fed and I will be on hand to introduce my episode, "Future Shock," as well as episode three, "Double," and to do our little song-and-dance. But never fear if you miss the hilarity-- the new episode will be available online soon.

Second, at 10:00 PM - The final New Kalan Show at the Gene Frankel Theater

To quote Elliott's promotional email:

"Next week brings with it a momentous occasion. On thursday, May 25th, our beloved, small-audienced live fake comedy talk show will be saying its farewells to its longtime home the Gene Frankel Theater. Where's it going? Why, to a DIFFERENT underground theater, and a whole new day and time! Get ready for next month's unveiling of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN!

But before we welcome the future, let's say goodbye to the past, with the last of 'The New Kalan Show''s and our final performance at the Gene Frankel. All your favorite Kalan characters (Erik! Brock! Dan! Devon! Elliott!) will be there! Special guest comedienne SARA SCHAEFER will be there! Shouldn't YOU be there, too?!

Plus more jokes, sketches, hijinx, emotional damage, and craziness! Help say, "Good riddance, you bastard!" to that crummy theater!"

Come see all the regular New Kalan stuff plus my tearful (?) reunion with my old SSIOWY boss. It should be great fun.






PLUS: It's not just the New Kalan's last night at the Gene Frankel theater -- it's the Manhattan Comedy Collective's last night at the theater. That's right, after tonight all the vestages of Juvie Hall and its children will be swept away forever (or to a bar a few blocks away. One or the other). To celebrate this, MC2 is putting on a special FREE improv jam at 11 PM, just following The New Kalan Show, complete with FREE Jell-o shots.

Captains.

Kalan.

Jell-o shots.

What more could you need?

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

GTN Bit from 5/24/06

Here's the piece that I wrote for last night's Giant Tuesday show, which was ably performed by Andres du Bouchet as Francisco, Mike Birch as Dr. Greg, and Rob Gordon as the bum.

The Gum Bit

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Dr. Gregory Igloomaker, who has an amazing invention that he would like to share with us.

DR. GREG
Thanks Francisco.

FRANCISCO
Igloomaker, that's an interesting name. What is that, Eskimo?

DR. GREG
No. No, it's not. It's Dutch. Why would you say Eskimo?

FRANCISCO
It is less than not important. Why don't you just share your invention?

DR. GREG
Certainly. Well, Francisco, imagine for a moment that you are not a world-famous variety host, but that by day you labor away in a dull office job.

FRANCISCO
It's hard, but I think I can do it.

DR. GREG Imagine coming into work, day in, and day out. Entering data into spreadsheets. Processing, collating, faxing-- the endless tedium. Getting tired aren't you?

FRANCISCO
(sleepy--nearly hypnotized)
Yes.

DR. GREG
How about a nice cup of coffee?

FRANCISCO
Yes, please.

DR. GREG
But the pantry is so far away.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

DR. GREG
And Alan, from accounting, forgot to brew a new pot after he finished the old one.

FRANCISCO
I hate that bastard, Alan.

DR. GREG
Don't you wish you just had coffee at your fingertips, all day long?

FRANCISCO
Don't toy with me, Igloomaker! Just give me coffee!

Dr. Greg hands Francisco a stick of gum.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
This? But this is just a stick of gum.

DR. GREG
Wrong, Francisco. That is a cup of coffee.
(to audience)
You see, I asked myself, what is coffee, but ground coffee beans plus hot water? And what is your mouth but a hot-water-making-machine? So what I've done is suspend the grinds in a sort of natural latex, what the Native Americans called "chicle." Your saliva does the rest.

FRANCISCO
(chewing)
I can taste it brewing in my mouth!

DR. GREG
And that's not all. Just add one of my patented "flavor paks" to create premium specialty coffee. This one is Mocha Latte, and it's made from ground-up chocolate chips and coffee-mate!

Francisco dumps the packet into his mouth.

FRANCISCO
Mmm! It's like a backwash Starbucks!

DR. GREG
(pointing to the package)
That's our slogan! And the best thing is that this gum not only picks you up, but it freshens your breath with the delicious odor of secondhand coffee.

FRANCISCO
Amazing. So, do you make any other versions? Decaf, maybe?

DR. GREG
Please, Francisco; if you want decaf, chew Trident. But I am proud to introduce my new Coffee Nicotine Gum, “Cup 'o Butts.” Quit that nasty smoking habit while enjoying a steaming cup of mouth-joe.

FRANCISCO
Really? Nicotine Coffee Gum? Is that safe? It seems like concentrating the two together might create some sort of dangerous super-stimulant.

While the doctor speaks, a shabbily dressed man sidles onstage.

DR. GREG
Of course not--ask Jim Jarmusch. It's no worse than enjoying a cigarette with a pot of…

BUM
Hey, man, are you carrying?

DR. GREG
(to bum)
Not now.
(to Francisco)
As I was saying, it's no worse than…

BUM
C'mon man, I just need a fix. It's been three days. I've been chewing from the bottom of chairs.

DR. GREG
Get away!

FRANCISCO
What's going on over there? Do you know that man?

DR. GREG
No, he's probably just some homeless man who wandered in off the street, lured by the promise of alternative comedy. Don't worry.

BUM
Just one stick, Dr. Greg. My teeth are aching.

FRANCISCO
He appears to know your name.

DR. GREG
All right.
(beat)
All right, fine. Yes. Charlie here was one of our product testers. It turns out you're right Francisco. Making a Coffee Nicotine Gum somehow increased the addictive power by five hundred and twelve percent…

FRANCISCO
What an oddly specific figure.

DR. GREG
…Which means that all our testers are now addicted. But don't worry! We're working on it! That's why we've developed this Methadone Gum, to help ween people off Cup 'o Butts.

FRANCISCO
How much does the Methadone Gum cost?

DR. GREG
It retails for $250 a pack.

FRANCISCO
That's absurd! You can't solve all gum-created problems with more gum! Are you or are you not using your various flavors as gateways to addict people to ever-more-expensive gum products?

Dr. Greg makes as if to answer, then suddenly makes a break for it, running off-stage.

DR. GREG
Juan Carlos! Start the helicopter!

SFX: HELICOPTER, starting up, and then fading away. Francisco and the bum follow with their eyes, as if he's flying away. A beat.

BUM
What about you, man? You holding?

FRANCISCO
No, I am not. I'm sorry. Would you like a drink ticket?

BUM
(taking the ticket)
Enabler.

He exits. Transition, etc…

--

It went over okay... although the biggest laugh was garnered by the helicopter sound cue, and their reactions to it.

Also, if you haven't been there in a while, check out the Captains in Space website. A few new things have been posted up there-- and the latest episode (the first one written by me) should be online sometime before the end of the Memorial Day weekend. So you can look forward to that, if that's the sort of thing you look forward to.

Tuesday is Giant, Tonight!

Just a reminder, tonight one of my bits will be performed at Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game (only writing-- I won't be performing in the show. However, I will be in the audience to witness the GTN gang make my words funny, so if you see me, buy me a beer. I'm the one who looks like me).

So come on out. They're shooting a "pilot" to show around to various folks, so I'm sure they'd love the audience to be as big as possible. Oh, and if you want to check out bits from the show in the comfort of your own home or subway, you might be interested to know that they now have a podcast.

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
On the isle of Manhattan
8 PM
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)

Dead Joke Office

You know the drill...

--

The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."

Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.

Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.

The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.

It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."

A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.

The Air Conditioner Sketch

The Summer Funtime Special was a smashing success last night. For those of you who couldn't be there, I offer the following sketch, one of my favorites from the show...

The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.

WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.

HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?

WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.

The husband rises to EXIT.

HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.

Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.

WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.

The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)

HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?

He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.

`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...

WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...

HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...

WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...

HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...

WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...

The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.

SFX: A LOUD CRASH!

They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.

MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!

HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?

WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.

HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!

WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.

HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!

WIFE
I don't even know what that means!

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)

WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?

HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!

WIFE
Good plan.

They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.

WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.

HUSBAND
Yeah.

WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?

HUSBAND
Seriously?

She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.

He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...

He drops the air conditioner out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!

HUSBAND
What did you do?!

WIFE
Me?

HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.

He STORMS OUT of the room.

WIFE
Where are you going?

HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!

He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.

WIFE
What are you...?!

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.

MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!

WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!

The husband ducks under the window sill.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!

The husband RUNS OUT of the room.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!

The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)

WIFE
Why did you do that?!

HUSBAND
He was a witness!

WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?

HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.

WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!

HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!

WIFE
That's not the point! You...

SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.

POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

They look at each other for a moment, then...

HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!

The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!

BLACKOUT.

ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...

The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.

WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.

HUSBAND
And how!

They laugh loud and long, right into the...

BLACKOUT.

Tonight!

May 18
@ 7:15 - I will introduce two episodes of Captains in Space, Live!
@ 10:00 - The Summer Funtime Special - I co-wrote, and will appear in this all-new sketch show.

-see previous posts for further details-

Location (all shows):

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

Summer Funtime Update

Just a reminder that The Summer Funtime Special is this Thursday the 18th at 10 PM. We've made a slight casting adjustment-- Rick Murphy will not be appearing in the show (lay off the sauce, Rick!*). Instead, we're pleased to announced the addition of Jeremiah Murphy to the cast. We figure, what the heck? One Murphy's as good as another. We're also pleased to announce that our director will be Mr. War of the Worlds himself, the Hoskins to my Caine, Eric Zuckerman. Feel free to applaud.

The Summer Funtime Special

Starring: Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Jeremiah Murphy.

Written by: Matt Koff, Rob Bates, and Dan McCoy

Directed by: Erik Zuckerman

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground 24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket). Making things bold is fun.

It's the only show you'll see this year whose title is an anagram of "Fiancee sperm multi sum." That has to count for something!

*This is, of course, a joke. Mr. Rick Murphy is a fine human being, who could not appear in the show for scheduling reasons, and not because of any substance abuse problems, although he's totally a falling-down lush, and you can tell him I said that.**

**Libel suit, here I come!

Dead Joke Office

More orphaned jokes:

According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. In response, the Minutmen have set up fences around Hispanic women's vaginas.

According to a new report, abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs is sending more people to emergency rooms than cocaine-- whereas cocaine is sending more people to The White House.

Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cell phones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Even worse, they've shown no respect for the concept of peak minutes.

The Bowery Bay Boys of Queens, New York won the "Operators Challenge," which is also known as the Olympics of Sewage Treatment—although, in a larger sense, isn't everyone who competed a loser?

Cory Booker, a former city councilman and a 37 year-old former Rhodes scholar, was elected Newark, New Jersey's first new mayor in two decades by a landslide, mainly because he was the first Rhodes scholar willing to stay in New Jersey.

Of the nation's major telecommunications companies, only Qwest declined to provide the NSA with phone call records of their clients. They also declined to provide their "Q" with a U.

Simon Cowell has hired Regis Philbin to host his new show for NBC called "America's Got Talent," in which singers, dancers, and comics compete for 1 million dollars, proving that America's new favorite type of entertainment, is what used to be avoided on the last night of summer camp.

Heinz Stucke, a German who has been riding his bike around the world for 44 years, faced a major set-back when his bike was stolen in England. Stucke vows that if he finds the thief, he will kick him to death using his tremendous thighs.

Richie Sambora is denying rumors that he cheated on wife Heather Locklear saying, "I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that." Experts are reportedly surprised, saying, "Did Richie Sambora just correctly use the word 'refute'?"

Captains Live Tonight!

Just a reminder, the second installment of our "Captains LIVE!" Big Bang/ Manhattan Comedy Collective showings is tonight. The episodes will be there every Thursday this month, but this may be the last time both Fed and I will be on hand to introduce them.

Captains in Space
Thursday, May 11 (tonight) at 7:15 PM
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

The ticket price is $10, but that entitles you to stay for the whole night of shows and gets you one free beer. Also, if you show up at 7, I think there may be a discount-- but don't quote me on that.

In related news, Captain Fed has a MySpace page. I don't know how he's able to access the internet from deep space-- perhaps the OTTO-5 comes equipped with super-powerful wi-fi. Odder still is the way he's able to access early 21st century webpages from the year 2089, but perhaps he's using one of those OhForChrissakeItsJustABit devices. They're pretty versatile.

Oh, that reminds me: if we ever make a spin-off show, it should be called Captains in MYSPACE!

HahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaha
haHaHAHAHAHAHAHHa
hahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHa
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahaha
HaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHA
HHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHa
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHA
HAH!!!!

>sniff< I should get paid for this stuff.

Two New Shows in May

I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:

"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"

The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).

More news as events warrant.*

Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)

*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."

Dead Joke Office

Yet again, some of my monologue-style-comedy-jokes (Ooh! Comedy jokes! My favorite kind!) that were not deemed funny enough for mass broadcast. Oh well. I liked them.

--

The Center for Media and Public Affairs said that late-night comics have been doing more jokes on President Bush this year than in previous years, which is odd, because the longer he's in office, the less funny he is.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, it was revealed that Dick Cheney travels with a chemical-biological suit at all times, although he only wears it to holocaust memorials.

A New Jersey couple on Wednesday gave birth to a second set of triplets. Their names are "Jack," "Jerry," and, "Oh-My-God-Not-Another-One."

A convicted killer being put to death by lethal injection in Ohio, stunned witnesses to the execution on Tuesday when he sat up in the death chamber and said, "It's not working." Dude, that's the sort of thing you totally don't want to draw attention to.

Next week, ABC will broadcast a TV movie called "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America," from the people who brought you, "Hey, What if Mountain Lions Broke Into People's Homes? That Would Kill a Bunch of People, Huh?"

According to a new study, New York City this year ranks number 11 on a list of the country's top 100 "allergy capitals," which is much higher than its ranking last year at number 88. Look out-- we're right behind you, Cat Dander, Vermont!

Over 3,700 mothers gathered in Manila on Thursday to break the world record for breastfeeding, and also the record for creepy guys loitering while pretending to read newspapers.

German Catholic leaders began legal proceedings on Tuesday to prevent MTV from broadcasting a new series called "Popetown," which depicts the Pope as a pogo-stick riding maniac, instead of a man in a funny hat who rides around in a tall glass car.

TV Land has announced plans for a new reality series called "I Pity the Fool," in which Mr. T travels the country dispensing inspiration and advice-- and, when necessary, pitying fools.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Captains in Space, "The Theatrical Version"

Hey, are you a fan of watching things that are meant to be seen on a very small screen blown up to several times their intended size, with all the loss in resolution that entails?

Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.

Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!

Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.

And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.

In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.

Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.

Captains in Space, Episode Three ONLINE!

"Double," the third exciting episode of Captains in Space is online now. Written by the estimable Devon T. Coleman, and starring the usual gang of Fed Hatoum, Adam Walden, and Vedette Lim, this may be the best episode of Captains yet. It's certainly the shortest, which is a real boon for those with more important things to do with their lives than watch comedy on the Internet. How I hate those people.

Devon gives Vedette/ Frankie some valuable acting notes.

As always, our director and editor, Fed, has gone to great lengths to make sure the show looks as good as possible, despite our budget of a Canadian penny, a gnarled bit of wire, and a kick in the groin. And, as always, the best way to view the episode is to download it or watch it via a video iPod (subscribe via iTunes here), but if you're technophobic you can always just click on the YouTube version below.

Quick Update

The release of Captains in Space episode three has been slightly delayed, due to some effects tweaking, but it should be available for download tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you want an Internet comedy video fix, may I direct you over to Rob Bates' blog, where you can find a link to the very funny short "Asshole Actor." I had nothing to do with its production, I just post it here because I've worked with all the folks involved, and I like them and it.

Have a nice Friday. But try and cut down on your drinking, huh? I'm worried about you.

GTN Bit from 4/25/2006

Hey. In the tradition of Andres' blog, I thought I'd post the script of my contribution to last night's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. Those of you who couldn't make it missed a very funny Mark Douglas in full body suit as Mr. Serkis. Those of you who were there last night can enjoy seeing the original, longer script (including a never-before-seen second beat!) as it was before it was trimmed down to fit into the already comedy-stuffed show. Just think of it as the world's most low tech behind-the-scenes DVD extra.

As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.

"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...

During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.

FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?

SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...

FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.

Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.

SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.

Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.

FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?

SERKIS
That's me.

FRANCISCO
Gollum?

SERKIS
Yes.

FRANCISCO
King Kong?

SERKIS
Right.

FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?

SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.

FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?

SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.

FRANCISCO
Get out!

SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.

FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.

SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...

FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...

SERKIS
And that's where you come in.

FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?

SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.

FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?

SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.

FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!

SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.

FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!

SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.

FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.

SERKIS
Cheers.

Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.

FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.

Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!

SERKIS
What? What's wrong?

FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.

Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.

SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.

CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.

SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.

FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.

CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)

SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.

Everyone looks at Birch.

BIRCH
He bought us beer.

General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.

CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.

They escort Serkis off.

SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!

FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!

-Beat Two-

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"

SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.

FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.

SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.

FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!

SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.

FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?

SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"

FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.

SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!

FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!

SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!

FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.

SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.

FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!

(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)

SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.

(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)

FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)

(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)

SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!

FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!

SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!

FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!

This Tuesday Just Seems... Giant-er Than Usual

Yes, this makes three plugs for one show, but I just wanted to remind you that tonight's GTN features a couple of bits written by me. So stop by, if you can:

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)

I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!

And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.

As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.

Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.

The New Kalan Show, Tonight!

Tonight

The New Kalan Show
Hosted by Elliott Kalan

With Special Guest Jason Jones










Featuring:
Devon Coleman, Brock Mahan, Dan McCoy, and Erik Marcisak

At The Gene Frankel Underground
Tonight, April 20, at 10:00 PM, $5

The Gene Frankel Underground is located at 24 Bond Street in the East Village of Manhattan.
(Don’t be scared, Bond Street is a short street that's just a cooler name for East 2nd Street). It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, behind the green door ( ! ). Just come on in -- we're located in the basement theater.

#6 to Bleecker Street at Lafayette W & R to 8th Street or Prince St B,D,F,V to Broadway/Lafayette

Ooh, Look! Video!

I was looking over at Andres Du Bouchet's blog, and noticed that he'd just posted a link to this video which gives a nice introduction to what his show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game is all about. It's well worth viewing.

And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)