Voluminous End-of-November Update

Hey kids...

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.

But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.

Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).

What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?

Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.

And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:









Oh, the misty watercolored memories...

Obsessed... NO MORE!

As The Apiary reported recently Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You is soon to be no more. This Friday, November the 11th, at 8 PM, the final SSIOWY will kick off, and when it's done, that's it. After two critically acclaimed years (1/4 of which featured me) the show is done.

Why? Because all good things must eventually die, little cricket. But that doesn't make them any less sweet. Ah sweet comedy show, we hardly knew ye. Perhaps your death will fertilize the ground for many comedy shows to come.

Plus, now that Sara's married, she just can't be as obsessed with you anymore. Sorry, that's just the way things go. She's so over you. Why can't you move on?

Still, that doesn't mean that you and she can't have one last fling, for old times' sake. Snag a ticket if you can. And if they're sold out, fear not. The waiting list for SSIOWY usually gets a few extra people in the door, so if you're interested, show up at eight and slap your name on that puppy.

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
24 Bond Street, btw Bowery & Lafayette
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, www.smarttix.com, or at the door

Meanwhile, does anyone want to give me a job? Comedy or otherwise?

Jest Alert

I've got a new piece up at Jest.com. Read it here.

Oh, The Things That I've Written!

My 2nd "Can't Miss Movie Pitch" column is up at Jest.com. Read it, if time weighs heavy on your hands.

Cocktail Hour a SMASHing Success

The Cocktail Hour website has an episode guide up, detailing the episode for which I was a guest. I'd like to point out that any drinking game I was playing was unintentional. It may have looked like I was taking a drink whenever anyone talked, but I was merely following my usual policy of taking a drink every 2.5 seconds. Obviously.

This is the hit sketch team Frowned Upon, otherwise known as D'Arce and Dev of The Cocktail Hour fame. Devon is the one in the cart, and D'Arcy is the one denying him the bag of dehydrated lentils he so desperately wants.

Jest.com is Officially Up

Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new Jest.com is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will.

I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.

I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)

Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.

In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.

Congratulations, Amanda!

I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:

Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.

Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.

So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.

(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)

Two Big Shows This Week

In Sara's own words:

This coming Saturday, October 1, we've got a HUGE SSIOWY planned!

We've got cooking, great music, my bachelorette party, Law & Order - what more can you want? Come celebrate afterwards at Slainte, both to celebrate almost 2 years of doing SSIOWY, and to send Chris and I off as we are leaving to get married on Oct 6! If all that wasn't enough, some important people are coming, so if you've been meaning to come check it out, Oct 1 is the one!

Here are the details:

SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
Saturday, October 1, 8 p.m.

CELEBRITY GUEST: Laurie Woolever, Cook / Food Writer - Laurie will be doing a live cooking segment on the show! (Laurie was also the assistant to Mario Batali and also a cook for many famous types, so she will have many juicy stories to tell!)

MUSICAL GUEST: Valley Lodge - do NOT miss this band, they are fantastic and did I mention adorable?

AND AS ALWAYS...SOMEONE FROM LAW & ORDER!

WHERE: Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre, At The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., btw Bowery & Lafayette

TICKETS: Tickets $8, available through Smarttix: 212-868-4444, http://www.blogger.com/, or at door.

www.saraschaefer.com

Also, I will be getting interviewed at a live talk show this week. Why am I important enough to be interviewed? God only knows. Yet again, I'll let the show's titular hosts tell you about it in their own words:

Do you like everything? Then you'll love anything! And since The Cocktail Hour is something, you should be there!

Guests? Don't mind if I do.

Writer/Artist Benjamin Birdie

Dan McCoy (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Jest Magazine, Saturday Night Rewritten)

Did you know Devon might be a covert government agent? D'Arcy seems to think so. Find out the truth this Friday, Sept. 30th @ midnight. $5. Free soda and a slice of pizza.

Where?

Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.

The Greatest Sketch in the History of Time

This was a collaborative effort between me, Devon T. Coleman, and Brock Mahan; and it is, as the title suggests, the greatest sketch in the history of time...

'SCOPE MOUTHWASH TRIAL" by devon, brock, & dan

HISTORIAN
Hello. I'm a Historian. This year marks the 80th anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial-- but very little attention is paid to the trial that happened immediately after: The Scope Mouthwash Trial. Let's go there now. You know. Not really. Through the magic of reenactment. Which is also not actual magic.

INT. COURT

PROSECUTOR enters. SCOPE sits on the stand.

PROSECUTOR
Scope Mouthwash, is it true that you are intelligently designed to reduce plaque and leave people's mouths feeling fresh?

SCOPE
Yes, yes I was.

PROSECUTOR
I rest my case.

JUDGE bangs his gavel.

JUDGE
Scope Mouthwash, I hereby find you guilty of promoting good dental hygiene. And sentence you to be used after every meal. Case dismissed!

BACK TO:
THE HISTORIAN

THE HISTORIAN
This was the most significant mouthwash trial since the Listerine Baby Kidnapping. For me, I'm a historian.

DOCTOR enters.

DOCTOR
Poor Historian. He used to be not crazy.

THE HISTORIAN
There's a history of mental illness in my family.

SFX: MUTED TRUMPET (Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)

Doctor takes out his cell phone.

DOCTOR
Sorry, I gotta take this.
(beat)
Historian, it's the governor! Good news, you're not crazy anymore!

THE HISTORIAN
Hooray!

Doctor and The Historian high five.

END OF SKETCH.

Yes, my friends, you have now read the greatest sketch in the history of time. Try to keep living, knowing that your joy will never be topped.

Dan at Church Basement this Monday the 19th

Just a reminder that I will be reading something at Church Basement this Monday. What is this "something" I will be reading? I don't know. Come and see the ill-planned-ness.

And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...

The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:

Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney

Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!

Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, This Saturday the 17th at 8 PM

We have a great show this Saturday (note this is not our usual Friday night slot). Hope you can make it out.

SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 8 p.m.

Celebrity Guest: BRYAN TUCKER (writer for Chris Rock, Chapelle Show, and now Saturday Night Live!)
Musical guest: VALLEY LODGE

And as always...someone who's been on Law & Order!

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
(beneath the Gene Frankel Theater)
24 Bond Street,
btw Bowery & Lafayette
In lovely Noho, Manhattan
Very near the Broadway/Lafayette and Bleeker Street subway stations.
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, http://www.smarttix.com/, or at the door

Last time Sara got shot by a mustachioed man, and I wore a sombrero and a white jump suit. What madness lies in store this time?

And, because I jus' loves recycling old material, here are a few unused monologue jokes.

FEMA chief Michael Brown, cited prior emergency-management experience in an official biography but his duties were "more like an intern," according to a Time magazine report. Perhaps that explains why, while many refugees have not been given food, they have been fetched plenty of coffee.

This Thursday, while touring the destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina, Vice President Cheney stopped to take some questions from reporters. During the live, televised interview a passer-by shouted out, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." I think the suggestion was only fair, as the Vice President is one of the few people who hasn't already been fucked by Dick Cheney.

The Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crowe, and Paul Simon were just a few of the music stars who performed in this Friday's televised Hurricane Katrina benefit, titled Shelter From The Storm: A Concert For The Gulf Coast. It was an inspiring event, despite the questionable inclusion of The Scorpions, playing Rock You Like A Hurricane.

According to a study, children who were asked to shop for a Barbie doll's big night out were more likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked, and beer if their parents drank. Children who were more likely to undress the Barbie doll were named Dan.

This year's Emmys will feature an "American Idol"-style competition, wherein singers and television stars perform TV theme songs, with viewers voting for their favorites. Some of the planned performances include William Shatner and Frederica von Stade teaming up to sing the theme from "Star Trek," Megan Mullaly and and Donald Trump singing the "Green Acres" tune, and Dick Clark performing Diff'rent Strokes.

Elijah Wood, best known for his starring role as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, has landed the role of a young Iggy Pop in a new movie. The name of the movie? Lust for Miscasting.

Recommendation

If you have some time to kill, I suggest you check out George Bush's Prayer For Relief over at Radar Magazine online. It's written by official Friend of Dan and Whither Laffs-link-list-member Frank Lesser who wrote what, for my money, is one of the funniest things Jest Magazine ever published, Letter From a Historically Black Clown College.

Suggestion

I think 70's House would be a better show if it was just Hugh Laurie wearing bell bottoms.

Fry Her? I Hardly Know... eh, forget it.

So Jest's esteemed editor, Frank Santopadre, arranged for the core writers, designers, and assorted hangers-on to have a little sit-down to talk about the future of Jest as a website. It's not my place to go into any details just yet, but let it be known that I'm excited. What I've seen has a lot of potential, and we could easily reach a much larger audience than ever before. Plus, I'll have a chance to get more material out there (probably on a weekly basis) and that'll be nice.

Anyway, if I can't say anything about Jest, then why am I posting now? Well, the meeting was at the New York Friars Club, and getting to be a guest there was a neat experience. You walk in to the club, and the first thing you see are paintings of Henny Youngman and George Burns, and that kind of says it all. We had a few drinks in the Celebrity Bar (and I saved my Friars Club swizzle sticks as a souvenir). Frank knew all the folks that worked there, and I definitely understood the appeal of belonging to a private club-- it's like stepping into a P.G. Woodehouse story (well, less British, and more showbiz-y, but you know what I mean). After the meeting we had a brief chance to see a little bit of the rest of the club (Frank: Do you want to see the Milton Berle room? Me: Is it as big as I hear?) and it was y'know... cool. Have I made it clear that it was cool? Oh, and we passed Dennis Farina going in, which was a kick. I always enjoy him.

In other news, I have discovered how to access the statistics that track visitors to my site, and have learned some disturbing things:

81.1% of visitors stay for less than 5 seconds.
The second-largest percentage, 8.1%, stay for an hour or more.

I don't know what's more distressing-- that the overwhelming majority can't be bothered to read the site for more than 1/12 of a minute, or that some people are reading what is essentially a collection of self-plugs and calendar dates for hours on end.

Also: many people come to the site because there's a guy at Pixar named Dan McCoy. I've caught his name in Pixar credits before, but didn't guess that he'd accidentally draw people (part of that 81.1-less-than-five-second-percentage, no doubt) to my site. And I guess he'll be drawing more, now that I've used the word Pixar three times. Pixar.

Anyway, if he ever self-googles and reads this site, let it be known that I think you do good work, Pixar-Dan-McCoy. Top notch stuff, really. Fuck Dreamworks.

The most unusual visit came as a result of a search for "nude Kim Cattrall." I can only assume that this is because I made an offhand reference making fun of Mannequin in my TV listings reviewer humor piece. What I find odd, though, is that someone would get here because of that one reference, considering how often Kim Cattrall has taken off her clothes. I mean, starting way back in Porky's, that's pretty much been her M.O., hasn't it? And I don't mean to slam Kim Cattrall. I loathe Sex in the City, but I do think it shows that she's a pretty talented light comic actress. Plus, I'm certainly not against women doing nude scenes. Basically, what I'm saying is that if you're looking for a naked Kim Cattrall through my blog, you're doing things the hard way.

God... again, now I'm going to have more people looking for naked pictures, through my blog. Stupid keywords. Not that I mind the traffic, I just can't bear the thought of disappointing all those poor misguided porn hounds.

Oh well. Keep looking, guys! I'm sure you'll eventually find something to get off to. I have faith in you!

Muted Laughter

Here are a few of last Sunday's jokes. You can taste the hilarity. Or you could, if I was delivering them, rather than you just reading them-- which (face it) is the least funny way to encounter monologue one-liners. Do you ever laugh aloud when you read a recap of late-night jokes in magazines? Still, I want to stick up the occasional humor tidbits on this blog, and recycle old material, so here we are. I look forward to your mild inner smiles of vague appreciation...

A three-year study of wild chimpanzees in Tanzania, found that the vast majority of chimps are left-handed. So if you're ever up against a baseball-playing chimp, look alive in right field!

Rap mogul Sean P. Diddy Combs announced last week that, rather than P. Diddy, he wants to be called just Diddy. This last week I also revealed my new name, which is: "Dan 'Doesn't-Give-a-Fuck-What-Sean-Combs-Calls-Himself.'"

Former President Lyndon B. Johnson's white Lincoln Continental convertible was put up for auction last week. The car in question is a little bit of history, but it is also one of the many chilling LBJ-Abraham Lincoln coincidences. For instance Lyndon Johnson drove a white Lincoln Continental, while Lincoln angered whites in the southern part of the continent by freeing the slaves. Oh, and also Lincon screwed a woman called Ladybird. Little-known fact.

Marilyn Monroe's last surviving husband, James Dougherty, died in California this Monday at the age of 84. Dougherty, a retired Los Angeles detective and former local politician in Maine married the then 16-year-old Monroe in 1942 and their union lasted four years. His tombstone will read, "I may be dead, but I had sex with Marilyn Monroe when she was sixteen. Eat it, non-corpses!"

After several competitive rounds of shrieking and oinking, the father-son team of Yohann and Olivier Roussel were crowned France's official Pig-Squealing Champions for 2005, this last Sunday. The American Pig-Squealing Champion is, of course, Ned Beatty.

We Are the Darlings of the Niche Blog World

The copier carnage got covered by The Apiary. Read all the gory details in their article:

Amidst Peals of Delight from Bloodthirsty Audience, Sara Schaefer Totally Fucks Up Copy Machine; Related: Sara Schaefer Presumed Dead

Tired Monday Bloggery

The destruction of the copier was a rousing success. I can say with authority that you haven't lived until you've seen a woman smash a copy machine with a sledgehammer, to the tune of "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins.

Perhaps Sara got some pictures of the big event, and will post them. If not, you're out of luck. That'll teach you for not coming to the show.

In other news, The Onion has started a blog, which is good news for a guy like me whose work day consists of 10% work and 90% Internet time. I mention it here, because this post contains some apropos-of-nothing love for Brian Stack, which I heartily second. When we had him on Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You he couldn't have been nicer or more interested in chatting with all of us before the show, and his interview segment was tops. All hail Stack!

FINALIST!

I just discovered that a spec sitcom script I wrote (a Scrubs episode, titled "My Fake Family") was a finalist in a TV spec competition I entered. Check it.

As far as I can tell, I don't win anything (well, maybe some books on screenwriting-- it's hard to tell. They list a prize for "2nd place" and as far as I can see there is no second place, just 1st place and finalists. If I'd won I would've gotten $500. So close!). But I'm still excited. After all, it's something I can mention in my agent query letters, to slow down my inevitable relegation to the slush pile. Plus, it was the first such script I ever wrote. So I assume I'll only get better. I certainly hope so, since the alternative would be pretty depressing.

Anyway, I can finally hold my head high and say I really came very close to winning a TV writing competition. Yeah!

Bored on Tuesdays?

You all know me-- I'm self-centered, and I rarely plug other people's shows. Those jerks can fend for themselves. This is my poorly-read performance calendar/ blog, dammit. Other people can post their own cries for help on the Internet.

The other reason is: I rarely make it out to comedy shows. Consider this a blanket non-apology for all my friends' things I've missed, but there are two reasons for my low attendance:

1. I'm lazy.
2. I'm married.

Thus, after you factor in my day jobbiness and the shows I do and things I write for, I just want to hang out on the couch with my wife and my cat and watch full seasons of 24 on DVD. Which will probably be my downfall, someday, since I should be out "networking," but damn that Jack Bauer is a tough bastard.

Still, sometimes I get off my ass and go see someone else's show. One such occasion was this past Tuesday, when I finally, finally, saw Andres Du Bouchet's show, Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I realize I'm way behind the curve on this one. Sure it won the 2004 ECNY for Best Variety Show. Sure, Time Out NY consistantly reccommends it. Sure, Andres was one of Back Stage's comedy Best Bets for 2004-- an honor bestowed in 2005 upon a couple of other people I know. Also, yes fine, I met Andres over a year ago, when Ritch Duncan and I took part in a reading of humor pieces, and the three of us went out afterwards to drink and make fun of one of the other readers.

On the other hand:

1. Lazy
2. Married

The point is, I know Andres doesn't need my help (when I went, the place was packed), and even if he did, my endorsement might be worth one extra audience member at most. Still, I was impressed enough by the show that I had to post something about it. If you're like me, and you never see shows, this is the one that should make you break that lazy streak. The committment that the performer exhibited-- the real comic acting (remember that? acting?) that supported the cleverly written bits was a real inspiration. Andres almost made me believe that he was Francisco Guglioni, native of Boliviguay, the tiny Latin-American Extravaganzocracy, where virtually every citizen hosts their own show. And the ensemble brought the same level of committment to every sketch.

Plus it's free (although The Apiary claims that Rififfi might stick in a one-drink minimum someday).

Best of all, I was one of the winners of the "and Also There is a Game" part of Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I correctly identified "Monkey" as the word most often used in NYC improv-team-names. The prizes that were distributed to winning audience members were old pornographic videotapes that writer Michael Reisman was getting rid of to "...make room for the baby's crib." I was the proud recipient of "Deep Inside Sindee Coxx" a compilation tape padded with interview segments that take the time to help us really get to know what Sindee Coxx feels about things.

I'd like to close this inordinately long post by noting the special brilliance of the porn name Sindee Coxx. To wit:

• Eschewing the normal spelling of Cindy, in favor of "Sindee," allows "Sin" to be part of her name.
• "Coxx" = Cocks. Get it?
• The double X at the end of Coxx refers to the pornographic nature of her films, and provides an eloquent echo of the double E in her first name.

See what I mean? It works on so many levels.

All right, enough of this. Go see Andres in GTN. And see me in Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, tonight.

Contest Deadline

The Smash Sara Schaefer's Copy Machine contest is nearing its deadline. Get those entries in by 5 PM today, people!

For the official contest description, etc., visit Sara's website.