Muted Laughter

Here are a few of last Sunday's jokes. You can taste the hilarity. Or you could, if I was delivering them, rather than you just reading them-- which (face it) is the least funny way to encounter monologue one-liners. Do you ever laugh aloud when you read a recap of late-night jokes in magazines? Still, I want to stick up the occasional humor tidbits on this blog, and recycle old material, so here we are. I look forward to your mild inner smiles of vague appreciation...

A three-year study of wild chimpanzees in Tanzania, found that the vast majority of chimps are left-handed. So if you're ever up against a baseball-playing chimp, look alive in right field!

Rap mogul Sean P. Diddy Combs announced last week that, rather than P. Diddy, he wants to be called just Diddy. This last week I also revealed my new name, which is: "Dan 'Doesn't-Give-a-Fuck-What-Sean-Combs-Calls-Himself.'"

Former President Lyndon B. Johnson's white Lincoln Continental convertible was put up for auction last week. The car in question is a little bit of history, but it is also one of the many chilling LBJ-Abraham Lincoln coincidences. For instance Lyndon Johnson drove a white Lincoln Continental, while Lincoln angered whites in the southern part of the continent by freeing the slaves. Oh, and also Lincon screwed a woman called Ladybird. Little-known fact.

Marilyn Monroe's last surviving husband, James Dougherty, died in California this Monday at the age of 84. Dougherty, a retired Los Angeles detective and former local politician in Maine married the then 16-year-old Monroe in 1942 and their union lasted four years. His tombstone will read, "I may be dead, but I had sex with Marilyn Monroe when she was sixteen. Eat it, non-corpses!"

After several competitive rounds of shrieking and oinking, the father-son team of Yohann and Olivier Roussel were crowned France's official Pig-Squealing Champions for 2005, this last Sunday. The American Pig-Squealing Champion is, of course, Ned Beatty.