The Return of Gchat Theater

[Curtain parts.  Dan McCoy sits at his computer, Google chatting with his friend Jack Kukoda]

me: http://tinyurl.com/dcfrgk

  Those hams are fixin' to catch up a mess 'o fish!

 Jack: hahahaha

 me: Then I imagine they'll fry those fish up in their own squeezings.

 Jack: i love it

  where do you find these?

  

 me: I saw some review of it on website about new books.

  Apparently it's the 2nd in a series.I can't imagine that the premise can sustain much longer.

 Jack: and it's spelled "squeezins'"

 

 Jack: no "g"

 me: True.

 Apparently, they're two little girls who fell into the machinery at a canned ham factory.

  Which, of course, turned them into anthropomorphic hams.

 Jack: no way

  really?

 me: You read about it in the news all the time.

  But when it happens to young girls...

  Tragic.

 Jack: my god

 that's just asking for kids to throw themselves into ham cannery machinery

  while on field trips to ham canneries

 me: http://www.henriettaham.com/

 Jack: my god

what were these girls doing in a ham cannery?

  i will give them credit for maintaining a positive outlook on life

  seeing as how they have their whole lives ahead of them

  with no chance of finding a husband or giving birth

  due to them being hams

 me: Well, I imagine they're beyond petty human concerns now.

  Being hams.

 Jack: yes

  they have the sageness that comes with being a ham

 they've transcended their human forms

 me: also the oraganoness

 Jack: you win

 me: BOOM

  I DROPPED THE BOMB ON YOU

 Jack: although you misspelled oregano

 me: Damn me.

  Were I a ham, I'd know better.

Hey, I'm on Gawker!

No, I wasn't spotted in a heated argument with Milo Ventimiglia outside of DaSilvano or canoodling with Martha Stewart in the secret bottle-service back room of a Duane Reade (bet you didn't know they had them, did you?).

Actually, I wrote something for Gawker's regular Looking at the Look Book feature. Here's the bit (my friend Jack Kukoda also wrote something for this installment). And here's the original New York Magazine Look Book (you might want to read that first).

Thanks to the ever-awesome Ritch Duncan for referring me.

A Note From the Church Basement Guys, About Tonight's Show

Hello All and Happy Holidays,

Cold weather getting you down? Sick and tired of all the crowds and shopping? Laid off from your job as a mall Santa and forced to choose between buying food and prescription medication? Us too. Well, there's only one cure for those holiday blues: Church Basement's Final Show of 2005/Holiday Extravaganza!! That's right, this Monday at Church Basement we'll be freaking bursting with cheer. We'll also be giving away cookies and candy canes. And the bar will be serving HOME MADE EGG NOG with.....FRESH NUTMEG! Plus, we'll have our usual lineup of stellar guests. This week we welcome:

Kurt Braunohler- Co-host of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed variety show Hot Tub, as well as the co-creator of the amazing guerrilla street theatre that is Chengwin.

We've also got Seth Herzog, downtown favorite and host of Sweet. You've also seen him on VH1, the TV show Stella, and the movies Prime and The Baxter. He'll rock you good.

And we're welcoming back Basement favorite Dan McCoy. A writer for Jest and NPR, Dan has been with us almost from the start and is actually more popular than the hosts.

And last only alphabetically, we're bringing you John Phillips, founding member of the Hi-larious sketch comedy group Trophy Dad and all around super guy.

All I can say is, "Wow." In fact, I can't say it. Much like Orthodox Jews who dare not utter the name of G_D, I fear that if I speak of this Basement out loud, its unimaginable power may very well strike me down.

But that's not all. As a special treat, Monday night's show will feature the return of everybody's favorite Robot Cater Waiter, Zeep Zorp singing a special holiday song with Matt Yeager on the guitar. And stick around after the show for more egg nog and all-around holiday carousing. It's gonna be a party. We'll see you Monday night at 8pm sharp.

Your Hosts,

Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, and Matt Yeager
--
http://www.churchbasement.com/

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!

Dan at Church Basement this Monday the 19th

Just a reminder that I will be reading something at Church Basement this Monday. What is this "something" I will be reading? I don't know. Come and see the ill-planned-ness.

And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...

The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:

Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney

Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!

June Newsletter - See Dan on the 6th, 12th, or 17th

I will be at the one Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You this month, on Friday, June 17. Why only one show? Because this is a special "taping" show, utilizing heretofore unimagined (at least for SSIOWY) three-camera technology, personal microphones, and all sorts of other electronic geegaws, in order to produce an immaculate record of this event. I'm sure Sara has big plans for the tape, but I have no idea what they are. Still, you should come and be immortalized on the soundtrack as a faceless laugher. What higher calling could man or woman know?

Speaking of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, was that fellow SSIOWY writer Patrick Stubbins, on Friday's "Late Night With Conan O'Brian," playing one of the victims of the dreaded "Paper-Cut Ninja"? Why, I believe it was!

All right, new paragraph, wherin-- unlike the previous paragraph-- I promise to NOT write in the breathless style of a tabloid gossip columnist. I will be appearing at the reading and comedy series "Church Basement" this coming Monday the 6th, at 8 PM. It's a bi-monthly show, hosted by Jack Kukoda, at Mickey's Blue Room, on Avenue C between 10th and 11th streets (check out churchbasement.com for more details). It's a new venue for me. Will I triumph, or will I suck it? Only time will tell.

Hope to see you sometime in June.