In the Bleak Midwinter

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this thing, and that's not because I've forgotten you, dear reader (how could I ever forget YOU?), but because there's not much that's been going on. I've allowed myself to succumb to post-holiday laziness. However, things should be picking up from here, and if you've been jonesing for some Dan-related comedy (which puts you in about the one-millionth of one percent of the population-- although, luckily, most of that percentage knows about this calendar/ blog), then you're in luck.

Yes, in my first performance since 2005, I will be appearing this Saturday evening from 8:30-9:30, co-hosting a slate of four ten-minute plays... the perfect length for a play, in my easily-distracted opinion. My partner in this endeavor will be one Mr. Eric Zuckerman, whom you may know as "Doomsday Guy" from the 4th highest-grossing film of the year*, War of the Worlds. That's right. I'll be sharing the stage with someone who has recieved valuable direction from Mr. Steven Spielberg himself-- direction that possibly included, "Look over there," and, "Louder."

I don't know all the details just yet (Mr. Z is running point on this operation and he has yet to apprise me of all the ins and outs) but I wanted to warn you immediately, in case you needed to clear your already sparse Saturday-evening calendar. As soon as I know all the salient information, I'll post it right here.

In other news, following my semi-award winning TV spec scripts that have completely failed to win me an agent as of yet, I've decided to write a screenplay. Just as soon as I, y'know... figure out how to do that.

Also, production is underway on multiple episodes of the video podcast "Captains," mentioned in the link bar to the right of your screen. It's a little comedy sci/fi series being put together by my friend Fed, his friend Adam, Mr. Devon T. Coleman, and yours truly. I'll give you more details as production progresses, but we're hoping that the first episode might be available by late February or early March, at which point the aforementioned link will become active, and the wealthy among you can enjoy our shenanigans via your video iPod, the middle class can enjoy our shenanigans via your computers' Quicktime video programs, and the poor can enjoy distorted re-tellings of our shenanigans while huddled around the Tang-cooler.

In other news, I am irredemably self-obsessed.

*According to the Entertainment Weekly I read on the subway this morning.

Please, Kill Me!

So I sent some pitches to MAD Magazine a while back, one of which they liked; and I did a little back and forth with them on a couple of drafts. Anyway, ultimately they decided that they didn't want to use the piece, but they liked what I'd done and wanted to give me something for my work, so they're going to pay me a $100 "kill fee." Cool. This is the first time I've been paid for writing something that didn't get published (well, that's not true-- I think Jest may have paid me for a piece that didn't get published because they folded before they could use it, but at least they intended to use it). Anyway, what a cool move on MAD Magazine's part. And I'm still hoping to write something sometime that they'll actually print, so stay tuned.

I was going to make a joke about never getting paid for nothing before... but, sadly, I'm familiar with the joys of unemployment checks. All things considered, I'd rather be paid to not get published.

A Note From the Church Basement Guys, About Tonight's Show

Hello All and Happy Holidays,

Cold weather getting you down? Sick and tired of all the crowds and shopping? Laid off from your job as a mall Santa and forced to choose between buying food and prescription medication? Us too. Well, there's only one cure for those holiday blues: Church Basement's Final Show of 2005/Holiday Extravaganza!! That's right, this Monday at Church Basement we'll be freaking bursting with cheer. We'll also be giving away cookies and candy canes. And the bar will be serving HOME MADE EGG NOG with.....FRESH NUTMEG! Plus, we'll have our usual lineup of stellar guests. This week we welcome:

Kurt Braunohler- Co-host of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed variety show Hot Tub, as well as the co-creator of the amazing guerrilla street theatre that is Chengwin.

We've also got Seth Herzog, downtown favorite and host of Sweet. You've also seen him on VH1, the TV show Stella, and the movies Prime and The Baxter. He'll rock you good.

And we're welcoming back Basement favorite Dan McCoy. A writer for Jest and NPR, Dan has been with us almost from the start and is actually more popular than the hosts.

And last only alphabetically, we're bringing you John Phillips, founding member of the Hi-larious sketch comedy group Trophy Dad and all around super guy.

All I can say is, "Wow." In fact, I can't say it. Much like Orthodox Jews who dare not utter the name of G_D, I fear that if I speak of this Basement out loud, its unimaginable power may very well strike me down.

But that's not all. As a special treat, Monday night's show will feature the return of everybody's favorite Robot Cater Waiter, Zeep Zorp singing a special holiday song with Matt Yeager on the guitar. And stick around after the show for more egg nog and all-around holiday carousing. It's gonna be a party. We'll see you Monday night at 8pm sharp.

Your Hosts,

Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, and Matt Yeager
--
http://www.churchbasement.com/

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!

Celebrating (to) the End

Last night's party to celebrate the end of Juvie Hall was pretty awesome, and shame on you if you didn't come.

"But Dan! I had work Tuesday morn..."

A-bup-bup-bup! You're dead to me.

The details are hazy (it was held in a bar), but I seem to remember doing a long interpretive dance, with intermittant short beverage breaks, with Autumn Clark, and having a lengthy argument with Eric Zuckerman, in which he took the role of Bob Hoskins and I essayed the role of Michael Caine.

You know, the usual annoying performer jackass stuff. But fun.

As for Juvie Hall, it will be sorely missed. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, etc. etc. But before it's gone forever, check out my last few posts, and come see me perform there this weekend.

And thank you Erik Marcisak for driving me home, so I need not brave the subways while cold, tired, and tipsy. Has the E train made its last exit to Brooklyn?

Breaking News Sure to Bring the Utmost Excitement!

I have just been tapped to contribute a bit to famed Daily Show production assistant Elliott Kalan's excellent unscripted late-night talk show The Midnight Kalan!

This will be the LAST Midnight Kalan at Juvie Hall before the theater shuts down for good.

What lies ahead for Elliott in the New Year? God only knows. Well, we do have some clues-- according to his website, there will be "coming in 2006: Elliott Kalan's Untitled Comedy Event Talk Show." Intriguing.

But that's in THE FUTURE. What does Elliott have on tap for the final show? Again, we consult the official word from his website:

"A NIGHT WITH STALLONE"

Midnight Kalan goes out with a Sylvester-Stallone-fueled bang!

December 16 at 12 AM.
Tickets ONLY $5, and each ticket entitles you to 1 slice of pizza and 8 oz. of soda.
24 Bond Street (Under the Gene Frankel Theater) (Between Bowery and Lafayette)

Can you afford to miss it?

The New Issue of Ducts is Online

The new issue of Ducts.org, the literary webzine edited by my friend and former comedy-team-mate, Jonathan Kravetz is now online. I edit the humor section, and would like to draw your attention, in particular, to the "Tribute to Spam," by the inimitable Andres Du Bouchet (of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game); "Movin' Out: The Rough Draft," by my partner in crime Rob Bates; and my own contribution, "Class Notes."

Also, if you poke around the rest of the 'zine, you can see illustrations by yours truly, that run the gamut from competent to passable. Yay!

Grand Falls Community Council, Friday the 16th at 8 PM, Juvie Hall

I have a small part in a one-night-only comedy show that the lovely Laura Buchholtz has written and is producing/ directing, called "The Grand Falls Community Council." Come see it at Juvie Hall on Friday the 16th at 8 PM, for a mere $7. Come out to the theater at 24 Bond Street between Bowery and Lafayette for some special limited-edition comedy before the holidays.

Edited 12/ 10 to reflect Laura's helpful update.

Voluminous End-of-November Update

Hey kids...

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.

But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.

Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).

What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?

Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.

And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:









Oh, the misty watercolored memories...

Obsessed... NO MORE!

As The Apiary reported recently Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You is soon to be no more. This Friday, November the 11th, at 8 PM, the final SSIOWY will kick off, and when it's done, that's it. After two critically acclaimed years (1/4 of which featured me) the show is done.

Why? Because all good things must eventually die, little cricket. But that doesn't make them any less sweet. Ah sweet comedy show, we hardly knew ye. Perhaps your death will fertilize the ground for many comedy shows to come.

Plus, now that Sara's married, she just can't be as obsessed with you anymore. Sorry, that's just the way things go. She's so over you. Why can't you move on?

Still, that doesn't mean that you and she can't have one last fling, for old times' sake. Snag a ticket if you can. And if they're sold out, fear not. The waiting list for SSIOWY usually gets a few extra people in the door, so if you're interested, show up at eight and slap your name on that puppy.

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
24 Bond Street, btw Bowery & Lafayette
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, www.smarttix.com, or at the door

Meanwhile, does anyone want to give me a job? Comedy or otherwise?

Jest Alert

I've got a new piece up at Jest.com. Read it here.

Oh, The Things That I've Written!

My 2nd "Can't Miss Movie Pitch" column is up at Jest.com. Read it, if time weighs heavy on your hands.

Cocktail Hour a SMASHing Success

The Cocktail Hour website has an episode guide up, detailing the episode for which I was a guest. I'd like to point out that any drinking game I was playing was unintentional. It may have looked like I was taking a drink whenever anyone talked, but I was merely following my usual policy of taking a drink every 2.5 seconds. Obviously.

This is the hit sketch team Frowned Upon, otherwise known as D'Arce and Dev of The Cocktail Hour fame. Devon is the one in the cart, and D'Arcy is the one denying him the bag of dehydrated lentils he so desperately wants.

Jest.com is Officially Up

Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new Jest.com is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will.

I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.

I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)

Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.

In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.

Congratulations, Amanda!

I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:

Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.

Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.

So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.

(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)

Two Big Shows This Week

In Sara's own words:

This coming Saturday, October 1, we've got a HUGE SSIOWY planned!

We've got cooking, great music, my bachelorette party, Law & Order - what more can you want? Come celebrate afterwards at Slainte, both to celebrate almost 2 years of doing SSIOWY, and to send Chris and I off as we are leaving to get married on Oct 6! If all that wasn't enough, some important people are coming, so if you've been meaning to come check it out, Oct 1 is the one!

Here are the details:

SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
Saturday, October 1, 8 p.m.

CELEBRITY GUEST: Laurie Woolever, Cook / Food Writer - Laurie will be doing a live cooking segment on the show! (Laurie was also the assistant to Mario Batali and also a cook for many famous types, so she will have many juicy stories to tell!)

MUSICAL GUEST: Valley Lodge - do NOT miss this band, they are fantastic and did I mention adorable?

AND AS ALWAYS...SOMEONE FROM LAW & ORDER!

WHERE: Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre, At The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., btw Bowery & Lafayette

TICKETS: Tickets $8, available through Smarttix: 212-868-4444, http://www.blogger.com/, or at door.

www.saraschaefer.com

Also, I will be getting interviewed at a live talk show this week. Why am I important enough to be interviewed? God only knows. Yet again, I'll let the show's titular hosts tell you about it in their own words:

Do you like everything? Then you'll love anything! And since The Cocktail Hour is something, you should be there!

Guests? Don't mind if I do.

Writer/Artist Benjamin Birdie

Dan McCoy (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Jest Magazine, Saturday Night Rewritten)

Did you know Devon might be a covert government agent? D'Arcy seems to think so. Find out the truth this Friday, Sept. 30th @ midnight. $5. Free soda and a slice of pizza.

Where?

Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.

The Greatest Sketch in the History of Time

This was a collaborative effort between me, Devon T. Coleman, and Brock Mahan; and it is, as the title suggests, the greatest sketch in the history of time...

'SCOPE MOUTHWASH TRIAL" by devon, brock, & dan

HISTORIAN
Hello. I'm a Historian. This year marks the 80th anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial-- but very little attention is paid to the trial that happened immediately after: The Scope Mouthwash Trial. Let's go there now. You know. Not really. Through the magic of reenactment. Which is also not actual magic.

INT. COURT

PROSECUTOR enters. SCOPE sits on the stand.

PROSECUTOR
Scope Mouthwash, is it true that you are intelligently designed to reduce plaque and leave people's mouths feeling fresh?

SCOPE
Yes, yes I was.

PROSECUTOR
I rest my case.

JUDGE bangs his gavel.

JUDGE
Scope Mouthwash, I hereby find you guilty of promoting good dental hygiene. And sentence you to be used after every meal. Case dismissed!

BACK TO:
THE HISTORIAN

THE HISTORIAN
This was the most significant mouthwash trial since the Listerine Baby Kidnapping. For me, I'm a historian.

DOCTOR enters.

DOCTOR
Poor Historian. He used to be not crazy.

THE HISTORIAN
There's a history of mental illness in my family.

SFX: MUTED TRUMPET (Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)

Doctor takes out his cell phone.

DOCTOR
Sorry, I gotta take this.
(beat)
Historian, it's the governor! Good news, you're not crazy anymore!

THE HISTORIAN
Hooray!

Doctor and The Historian high five.

END OF SKETCH.

Yes, my friends, you have now read the greatest sketch in the history of time. Try to keep living, knowing that your joy will never be topped.

Dan at Church Basement this Monday the 19th

Just a reminder that I will be reading something at Church Basement this Monday. What is this "something" I will be reading? I don't know. Come and see the ill-planned-ness.

And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...

The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:

Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney

Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!

Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, This Saturday the 17th at 8 PM

We have a great show this Saturday (note this is not our usual Friday night slot). Hope you can make it out.

SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 8 p.m.

Celebrity Guest: BRYAN TUCKER (writer for Chris Rock, Chapelle Show, and now Saturday Night Live!)
Musical guest: VALLEY LODGE

And as always...someone who's been on Law & Order!

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
(beneath the Gene Frankel Theater)
24 Bond Street,
btw Bowery & Lafayette
In lovely Noho, Manhattan
Very near the Broadway/Lafayette and Bleeker Street subway stations.
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, http://www.smarttix.com/, or at the door

Last time Sara got shot by a mustachioed man, and I wore a sombrero and a white jump suit. What madness lies in store this time?

And, because I jus' loves recycling old material, here are a few unused monologue jokes.

FEMA chief Michael Brown, cited prior emergency-management experience in an official biography but his duties were "more like an intern," according to a Time magazine report. Perhaps that explains why, while many refugees have not been given food, they have been fetched plenty of coffee.

This Thursday, while touring the destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina, Vice President Cheney stopped to take some questions from reporters. During the live, televised interview a passer-by shouted out, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." I think the suggestion was only fair, as the Vice President is one of the few people who hasn't already been fucked by Dick Cheney.

The Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crowe, and Paul Simon were just a few of the music stars who performed in this Friday's televised Hurricane Katrina benefit, titled Shelter From The Storm: A Concert For The Gulf Coast. It was an inspiring event, despite the questionable inclusion of The Scorpions, playing Rock You Like A Hurricane.

According to a study, children who were asked to shop for a Barbie doll's big night out were more likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked, and beer if their parents drank. Children who were more likely to undress the Barbie doll were named Dan.

This year's Emmys will feature an "American Idol"-style competition, wherein singers and television stars perform TV theme songs, with viewers voting for their favorites. Some of the planned performances include William Shatner and Frederica von Stade teaming up to sing the theme from "Star Trek," Megan Mullaly and and Donald Trump singing the "Green Acres" tune, and Dick Clark performing Diff'rent Strokes.

Elijah Wood, best known for his starring role as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, has landed the role of a young Iggy Pop in a new movie. The name of the movie? Lust for Miscasting.

Recommendation

If you have some time to kill, I suggest you check out George Bush's Prayer For Relief over at Radar Magazine online. It's written by official Friend of Dan and Whither Laffs-link-list-member Frank Lesser who wrote what, for my money, is one of the funniest things Jest Magazine ever published, Letter From a Historically Black Clown College.

Suggestion

I think 70's House would be a better show if it was just Hugh Laurie wearing bell bottoms.