Wednesday, November 22, 2006
If you are one of the unlucky residents who did not win a plane ticket out of the city in the annual lottery, you may find the following survival hints helpful this holiday weekend.
Snoopy has a beagle's enhanced sense of smell, which he will use to track you down, and crush you between his powerful jaws. To throw him off the scent, rub yourself with aniseed and Axe Body Spray.
Spongebob's powers are derived from his square pants. If you are able to trick him into wearing regular, pants-shaped pants, his magical spell will be broken, and you will be allowed to keep your first-born child.
Super Grover: As long as you don't mention that usurper Elmo, SG is cool with you.
Garfield's legendary appetite is only enhanced by his giant size, and a visit from this cat is nearly always deadly -- thus proving the old adage, "There's nothing funny about Garfield."
Clifford the Big Red Dog: If you publicly pronounce your allegiance to the Communist Party, Clifford will spare your life.
Pikachu: You can only defeat Pikachu by creating a Poké Balls to increase your Special Attacks and Special Defenses, via your protective Bulbasaur and Fuckamander or some shit like that.
Barney loves you. This makes him easy to kill.
Also, if you live between 77th and 34th on Central Park West or Broadway, just make sure you've got plenty of plastic sheets and duct tape over the windows, and you should be safe.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Featuring other short films by Central Park West Studios, Jessica Delfino, Brent Hankins and The Average Joe Cooking Show. Stop by Jimmy's for the best in short comedies, and have a Thanksgiving feast of free popcorn.
It was reported that ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas is upset with an upcoming Marie Claire magazine article that features a doctored photo of her breast-feeding her son on air. She has maids to do that sort of thing.
A California toy company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said that it is surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4000 of the talking dolls. Their main objection was that one of the pre-recorded phrases was “Blessed are the Ken dolls, for they get to make it with Barbie.”
An official with the American Philatelic Society said that a stamp thought to be a rare 1918 Inverted Jenny, used by a Florida voter to mail an absentee ballot last week, is probably a fake. And thus ends this decade’s only news story involving the American Philatelic Society.
The largest Baptist group in North Carolina, moved this week to expel any congregation that condones homosexuality, while the Presbyterian Church will put on minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two men. If convicted, he could be sentenced to Unitarianism.
On an episode of the Tyra Banks show this week, both she and the audience wore just their underwear for a "Panty Party" show, despite the fact that a similar episode of Judge Judy was the lowest-rated ever.
More than 800 people around the world have signed up to be part of the New York-based "Corduroy Appreciation Club," which meets every November 11th, which when written as 11/11, resembles the fabric they love… or it does if you’re a member of some totally crazy club.
Matthew Fisher is suing his former Procul Harum bandmate Gary Brooker, claiming that he is owed royalties from the 1967 song "Whiter Shade of Pale,” and alleging, furthermore, that his harum wasn’t procul enough.
Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo got engaged this week to record producer Chris Ivery, telling reporters, “I’m so happy I can barely squint.”
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Rival candy-poisoner Regine (Liz Lord) critiques my crazy old man candy-poisoning technique.
My religious powers are called upon, to defeat the devil child Rob Bates.
I am distracted in my mission by the hot mom of the Antichrist (Lindsay Joy).
My co-biosphere inhabitant Gustav (George Basil) explains that, being in a self contained environment thousands of miles from civilization, we will likely be getting no trick-or-treaters.
Schoolgirls (Autumn Clark, Lindsay, and Liz) argue over whose night it is to be slutty, while Slutty Cat (Stacy Mayer) looks on.
I am attacked by a giant praying mantis. Tragically, I did not survive.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Former N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." It thankfully beat out the alternative term, "being done Doogie-style."
Police in Michigan arrested a man for murder after his girlfriend told them that during a party game in which people name the stupidest thing they had ever done, her boyfriend answered, "Shot a guy in the head." He then corrected himself, saying "Wait, wait -- confessed to murder during a party game!"
Police in Arizona reported that a 40-foot trailer containing thousands of wedding gowns worth an estimated 3 million dollars was stolen form a charity that grants the dying wishes of women with breast cancer—surely the saddest story to ever be an Oprah wet dream.
A woman in London was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday for keeping her sister-in-law as a domestic slave, forcing her to do housework naked and beating her. Her story will be told in the Lifetime Original Movie "My Sister My Nude Slave: The Just Dirty Enough to Get Men to Watch Lifetime Story"
It was reported that banks and savings institutions last year ordered more than double the average amount of 2 dollar bills, which are being used more frequently in bars and strip clubs, especially now that strip clubs have stopped accepting rolls of nickels.
As Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi would be third in the line of succession to the President. Second, if you don’t count vampires.
A New Jersey woman is suing a Manhattan bar after allegedly falling and shredding ligaments in her knee last year during a "Shake It Like Shakira" contest when she fell while dancing on a "wet, unprotected and unsafe" bar. The bar is claiming no liability, as the contest was clearly titled “Shake It Like Shakira” and not “Shake It Like a Drunk, Clumsy Skank.”
Actress Reece Witherspoon has officially filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe, thus ending America’s love affair with celebrity couple “Philwitherslippoon.”
President Bush on Wednesday morning called Representative Nancy Pelosi, who is expected to be the next Speaker of the House, to congratulate her on the Democrats win and to invite her to lunch, where presumably, he gave her the world’s most uncomfortable backrub.
Senator Rick Santorum, one of the most powerful conservative Republicans and a close ally of President Bush, lost his re-election bid on Tuesday. Santorum says he’s looking forward to his new life as a private bigot.
Friday, November 10, 2006
And now, courtesy of my wife and her always-photographing ways, here's a little retrospective of the last few months.
Elliott gives one of his always-succinct monologues.
Dan confesses his inadequacies to sexual therapist Elliott, while wearing a funny hat.
Demetri Martin gives my wife the thumbs-up.
Dan and Elliott relax pre-Primetime Kalan by watching the Planet of the Apes cartoon.
The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl confuses Elliott Kalan's Ghost Hunting Club for Elia Kazan's "Go Stunting" Club.
Dan and Erik are sheepish about their lack of ghost hunting success.
In a shocking twist ending, the ghost hunters are revealed to be vampires.
Sara Schaefer has a Citizen Kane moment at her AOL "The DL" launch party.
I chat with Sara's Video Gaga co-producer John Kingman, regarding the open bar. This photo is not an endorsement of Stella Artois.
I congratulate Sara on becoming "The Internet's Sara Schaefer."
I am attacked by a bear. Tragically, I did not survive.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Q: What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest?
A: "To compete is its own reward."
Q: Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window?
A: To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits on a street corner?
A: That man is an honored veteran of our armed forces. Please, give generously, even if it is merely pocket change.
Q: How many Picts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. You see, the Picts were a loose confederation of Scottish tribes, existing between the Roman times and the 10th century, and the earliest lightbulb was not developed until 1801. Thus, a Pict could not have screwed in a lightbulb.
Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bottle of arsenic?
A: I don't know! That's why I've never been able to successfully raise monkeys!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Burned! I totally burned Tim Allen! Yeah! Try having some credibility now, Tim Allen! Woo!
Yeah! Tim Allen is totally deserving of really obvious criticism! You do not want to fuck with me, Tim Allen, or I will mess you up via my blog! Boy howdy!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Facing pressure from GOP leaders as the midterm elections near, the White House said Monday that President Bush would not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." Specifically, the best way to blow them up.
Australians are being urged to stop singing in the shower because the utility company claims that singing adds an extra 9 minutes to the average shower. Sounds like Australia just got turned on to Rush!
Responding to claims from her opponent in the Senate race that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school... although it was cute in that, "I'll bet she has a really nice voting record" sort of way.
Coca-Cola announced Monday that it would donate two and a half acres of prime land near Atlanta's downtown tourist district to a proposed civil rights museum, along with one-fifteenth of a mule.
A judge in California has dismissed an indecent-exposure charge against a woman accused of sitting naked on her sun deck in a bid to "drive away" a teenage boy who was making too much noise playing basketball next door. Surprisingly, the tactic worked, as the woman was Joan Rivers.
According to a new study blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women because unconsciously they know that their children would also have blue-eyes and they could then determine if a partner was cheating. Which is why I'd like to introduce my new product: "Adulterer Brand Color Contacts for Babies."
Rush Limbaugh on Tuesday accused actor Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the physical effects off his Parkinson's disease in political ads urging viewers to support Democrats in the next election who support stem cell research. One thing definitely not exaggerated? Rush Limbaugh's ass-hattery.
President Bush on Tuesday accused Democrats of being "genetically disposed" to raise taxes. Maybe the president could give them some stem cells to help with that.
A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve, finally answering the question, "what's black and white and red all over?"
Dick Clark is selling memorabilia he collected during his years as host of American Bandstand, including a glove worn by Michael Jackson, a bustier worn by Madonna, and half a moustache worn by Prince.