Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween!
In honor of the holiday, and the end of our show, here are the scripts for my two sketches from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. Enjoy.
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
Friday, October 27, 2006
Congratulations, Sara Schaefer!
What did I do, immediately following my performance in the smash sketch comedy show Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular*?
I went to a launch party for Sara Schaefer's new AOL online music show, The DL! How was the party, you ask? It was awesome. Let me count the ways.
1. Weird Al was there. Granted, I did not witness this, as I had to come late, thanks to the aforementioned sketch show. But really, how cool is this? Knowing that mere minutes earlier, the Hawaiian-shirted one trod that very floor. Oh, and also, the video invite to the party featured Hulk Hogan.
2. Sara was 8 feet tall. Well, not in person-- but, throughout the evening, footage of Sara doing music journalism-y things (like interviewing Regina Spektor) were projected on the back wall throughout.
Imagine this, but as big as your apartment.
How weird is it, to be at a huge party (AOL rented out the entire Canal Room for chrissake), thrown in honor of a show starring a friend of mine, someone I used to write for and perform with in the old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? About a millionth as weird as it must have been for Sara. You're a superstar, baby.
3. Open bar. As I said to Sara, "Thank you for getting famous, so we get free drinks."
4. Some random girl hit on me. I am, as I told said random girl, married. Happily so. However, that doesn't keep me from being flattered by unexpected pick-up attempts. Thanks for inflating my sense of self worth, mystery girl!
But mostly it was awesome because Sara deserves it. She's funny, appealing, talented, and she couldn't be a nicer person. So congratulations to my old fake boss! I look forward to seeing you on the Internet. Go check out The DL, people!
*last chance to see it tonight!
I went to a launch party for Sara Schaefer's new AOL online music show, The DL! How was the party, you ask? It was awesome. Let me count the ways.
1. Weird Al was there. Granted, I did not witness this, as I had to come late, thanks to the aforementioned sketch show. But really, how cool is this? Knowing that mere minutes earlier, the Hawaiian-shirted one trod that very floor. Oh, and also, the video invite to the party featured Hulk Hogan.
2. Sara was 8 feet tall. Well, not in person-- but, throughout the evening, footage of Sara doing music journalism-y things (like interviewing Regina Spektor) were projected on the back wall throughout.
Imagine this, but as big as your apartment.
How weird is it, to be at a huge party (AOL rented out the entire Canal Room for chrissake), thrown in honor of a show starring a friend of mine, someone I used to write for and perform with in the old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? About a millionth as weird as it must have been for Sara. You're a superstar, baby.
3. Open bar. As I said to Sara, "Thank you for getting famous, so we get free drinks."
4. Some random girl hit on me. I am, as I told said random girl, married. Happily so. However, that doesn't keep me from being flattered by unexpected pick-up attempts. Thanks for inflating my sense of self worth, mystery girl!
But mostly it was awesome because Sara deserves it. She's funny, appealing, talented, and she couldn't be a nicer person. So congratulations to my old fake boss! I look forward to seeing you on the Internet. Go check out The DL, people!
*last chance to see it tonight!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Zombira's Second (and last) SMASH WEEK!
You have two more chances to see our sketch show, Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, this Thursday the 26th and Friday the 27th. Hear my words (along with those of two other funny writers). See me act. Eat candy corn. Why not?
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes
More jokes that didn't make it to air...
On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.
Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."
Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."
A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.
Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."
Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.
A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!
Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.
In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.
On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.
Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."
Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."
A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.
Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."
Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.
A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!
Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.
In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.
Friday, October 20, 2006
In Which I Place a Brief Personal Advertisement
For Sale: One slightly used Miami sound machine.
Machine generates all sorts of Miami sounds, including--
-Rustling palm trees
-Flamingo squawks
-Buzzing neon
-Motorboats
-Squishing suntan lotion
-Don Johnson
Works fine, just not really sure why I bought it. Not a huge fan of sounds in general, or Miami sounds in particular. Requires two 9-volt batteries. $5 or best offer.
--
Unrelated Reminder:
Tonight at 8 PM
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Machine generates all sorts of Miami sounds, including--
-Rustling palm trees
-Flamingo squawks
-Buzzing neon
-Motorboats
-Squishing suntan lotion
-Don Johnson
Works fine, just not really sure why I bought it. Not a huge fan of sounds in general, or Miami sounds in particular. Requires two 9-volt batteries. $5 or best offer.
--
Unrelated Reminder:
Tonight at 8 PM
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Big Weekend: Shows Tonight, Tomorrow, and Saturday!
Hey all. Tonight marks the premiere of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (A Sketch Show). Because tonight's show is "in previews," it will be pay-what-you-like for one night only! Otherwise, tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: This Saturday the 21st!
A new episode of The Primetime Kalan lands this Saturday. You've already heard what I have to say about it. What sez Elliott?
--
--
BOOO, Kalan fans!
It's October, and you know what that means! Time to get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to do so than by seeing a comedy show ten days before the actual holiday?
Exactly. This is why, on Saturday, October 21st, THE PRIMETIME KALAN, will do something a little different, and allow the select few elite who buy tickets to our show enter the first annual meeting of the ultra-exclusive, ultra-secretive, ultra-amateur GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK! Experience the spine-tingling excitement of possible supernatural discovery as the GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK reveals the results of its latest forays into the unknown!
And as if that weren't enough, special guest DAN BAKKEDAHL ("The Daily Show") will be with us to share his own experiences with the paranormal.
Do you DARE come to this comedy show? Yes. You do.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: $5
Recycling Center: More Zombira
So, another of my sketches got cut from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (for time) - which is fine, because I already had one more sketch in the mix than the other writers. Plus, this was my weakest of the ones included in the original line-up. Yet, never let it be said that I'm embarrassed to air my cast-offs like so much leftover cheese. Gentlemen and ladies, I give to you...
SAW: THE BEGINNING
Lights up on a man, ERIC, and another man, JORDAN, both in leg chains. They are just waking up. There is a hacksaw near Eric.
ERIC
(groggy)
What… where? Where are we?
JORDAN
Who are you?
ERIC
My name’s Eric P. Victimguy. I’m a doctor. Do you know why we’re chained here?
JORDAN
No, I…
SAW (V.O.)
Good morning, sleepy-heads. Dr. Eric… Mr. Jordan… I hope you two aren’t feeling too dazed from the ether...
ERIC
Damn you! Why have you kidnapped us? Let us go at once!
SAW (V.O.)
Now, now. If I let you go, then who would be left to play my game? The rules are simple. All you have to do is make a choice. At six o’clock, your wife and daughter will die, unless… you give Jordan an Indian burn.
They look at each other and shrug.
ERIC
What do you say?
JORDAN
All right. I mean it’s your wife and daughter.
ERIC
Thanks. I’ll try not to do it too hard.
JORDAN
I appreciate that.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
He terrified you in Saw. He scarified you in Saw II. You watched him in Saw III, even though you probably should have waited for video. Next Halloween, see how it all started, with “Saw: The Beginning!”
Eric gives Jordan a half-hearted Indian burn.
ERIC
So, can we go now?
SAW (V.O.)
Not so fast! You still have a choice to make! A horrifying choice, regarding your leg chains and that hacksaw.
JORDAN
What is it?
SAW (V.O.)
To escape from the chains, you need to break open the hacksaw, to find the key, which I’ve concealed inside the handle.
ERIC
How is that a horrifying choice?
SAW (V.O.)
Because you’re breaking a brand-new hacksaw! One I intended to give to you, as a souvenir!
ERIC
Uh… yeah. I think we’re okay with that.
SAW
Really? But it’s such a nice saw.
JORDAN
Hey, crazy killer guy! You should have made the choice something like, “the hacksaw isn’t strong enough to cut through the chains, but it can cut through your leg.
ERIC
Yeah, that would be diabolical.
SAW (V.O.)
Ooh, that is good. Can I steal that? I’m writing that down right now.
(to self)
…strong… enough… to cut through bone.
(to Jordan)
Wow, and you just thought of that right now? How’d you come up with it?
JORDAN
I dunno. It just came to me.
SAW (V.O.)
Listen. You wanna come work for me? Clearly I haven’t figured out how to strike the delicate balance between the horrific and the mundane. I could use a guy like you to come up with my traps.
JORDAN
Gee, I appreciate the offer, but I’m pulling down about 150 grand a year as the regional V.P. for J.C. Penney’s, so unless you can match that… plus, it’s not illegal.
SAW (V.O.)
Wow, 150? I’m not making nearly that much in serial killing.
JORDAN
Listen, though, I bet you’ll get better. You just need to put more thought into it.
ERIC
Yeah, plus—practice, practice, practice.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Before you learn to kill, you have to learn to crawl. Can you handle one man’s quest to inflict graphic inconvenience?
SAW (V.O.)
One last thing! While you were sleeping I inserted a small pebble into your left shoes. You can either go through the trouble of removing and re-tying your shoes, or you can walk around all day with the discomfort of…
While he has been talking, they have both removed their shoes, and tipped the pebbles out onto the floor, causing him to fall silent.
ERIC
See ya!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saw: The Beginning! Look for it next year!
BLACKOUT.
Friday, October 13, 2006
In Which I Promote an Ongoing Seasonal Festival
Oktoberfest is Octofun!That means that it's eight kinds of fun! Octo being the latin word for eight! So in the second part of that slogan the "octo" doesn't really relate to the "octo" in October, because October is the tenth month! But, incidentally, October got its name because it was the eighth month in the Roman calendar! On second thought, perhaps our slogan requires more clarification than would be ideal! Anyway, Oktoberfest is Octofun because of...
(1.) Beer!
(2.) Knockwurst!
(3.) Bockwurst
(4.) Polka bands!
(5.) Bratwurst!
(6.) Sauerbraten!
(7.) Snorkwurst!
(8.) Beer!
And did we mention the beer? There's hard cider, pumpkin flavored beer, sweet potato beer, butternut squash beer, cinnamon beer, nutmeg beer, dried stalks of corn beer, brown tree leaves beer, cardboard jack-o-lantern hung on your front door beer, sequel to the movie SAW beer, and hundreds of other flavors! With all this bounty, can you afford to have a sober October?!
So, all this month, come on down to the Scaregrounds (again, the name has nothing to do with October; it's just a typo) and bring the kids, so you have someone to drive you home.
In Which I Engage in a Productive Email Correspondence
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
With regards to your earlier query regarding the way you need it. I would like to assure you that any way you want it would be fine.
Best,
Steve
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
Any way I want it?
Dan
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
RE: how you need it
D - that's the way you need it, yes.
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
That seems awfully wide open. I find it hard to believe that absolutely any choice that I make w/r/t the way that I want it would supply me (in equal measure) with the way that I need it.
Thanks for your help clearing up this matter!
Dan
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Look, man. All I know is this-- if you want it in any way, that's how you need it.
S.
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold. On.
What you're telling me defies logic. For instance, say that one day (A) the way I want it is with chocolate sauce and a maraschino cherry, and on day (B) I wanted it with sardines and flan. Do I truly need it the same on (B) as I do on (A)? Or what if I wanted it with knife fights, open sores, and castration. Is that really the way I need it?
Confused.
Dan.
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
(guitar solo)
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
With regards to your earlier query regarding the way you need it. I would like to assure you that any way you want it would be fine.
Best,
Steve
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
Any way I want it?
Dan
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
RE: how you need it
D - that's the way you need it, yes.
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
That seems awfully wide open. I find it hard to believe that absolutely any choice that I make w/r/t the way that I want it would supply me (in equal measure) with the way that I need it.
Thanks for your help clearing up this matter!
Dan
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Look, man. All I know is this-- if you want it in any way, that's how you need it.
S.
* * *
FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Steve--
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold. On.
What you're telling me defies logic. For instance, say that one day (A) the way I want it is with chocolate sauce and a maraschino cherry, and on day (B) I wanted it with sardines and flan. Do I truly need it the same on (B) as I do on (A)? Or what if I wanted it with knife fights, open sores, and castration. Is that really the way I need it?
Confused.
Dan.
* * *
FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
(guitar solo)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Recyling Center: Zombira Edition
So, in anticipation of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, I'm posting this rejected sketch from the show.
What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)
But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.
Except, you know. Better.
OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH
A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.
SAM
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.
DAVE
That story was awful.
SAM
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
(notices Sharon)
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!
Sam runs over and feels her pulse.
DAVE
Is she dead?
SAM
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.
DAVE
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.
SAM
Whatever, pussy.
Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.
SAM (cont’d)
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?
DAVE
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?
SAM
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?
DAVE
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.
SAM
They do if they’re thirsty!
TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.
TODD
Hey guys, what’s up?
DAVE
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?
TODD
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?
DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)
SAM
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!
DAVE
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?
TODD
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.
DAVE
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?
SAM
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.
TODD
(looking down)
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?
DAVE
(laughing)
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?
TODD
(deadly serious)
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.
Awkward pause.
SAM
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.
DAVE
Those two have such a weird last name.
TODD
(garbled)
SAM
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.
TODD
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.
SAM
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…
Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.
SHARON
What happened?
DAVE
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!
SAM
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!
DAVE
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!
SHARON
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.
SAM
What about your neck?
SHARON
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.
SAM
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.
TODD
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!
DAVE
(awkward)
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?
SHARON & TODD
(groaning agreement)
Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.
TODD
So… you wanna take an early lunch?
SHARON
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.
BLACKOUT
What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)
But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.
Except, you know. Better.
OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH
A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.
SAM
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.
DAVE
That story was awful.
SAM
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
(notices Sharon)
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!
Sam runs over and feels her pulse.
DAVE
Is she dead?
SAM
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.
DAVE
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.
SAM
Whatever, pussy.
Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.
SAM (cont’d)
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?
DAVE
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?
SAM
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?
DAVE
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.
SAM
They do if they’re thirsty!
TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.
TODD
Hey guys, what’s up?
DAVE
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?
TODD
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?
DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)
SAM
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!
DAVE
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?
TODD
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.
DAVE
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?
SAM
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.
TODD
(looking down)
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?
DAVE
(laughing)
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?
TODD
(deadly serious)
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.
Awkward pause.
SAM
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.
DAVE
Those two have such a weird last name.
TODD
(garbled)
SAM
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.
TODD
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.
SAM
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…
Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.
SHARON
What happened?
DAVE
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!
SAM
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!
DAVE
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!
SHARON
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.
SAM
What about your neck?
SHARON
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.
SAM
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.
TODD
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!
DAVE
(awkward)
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?
SHARON & TODD
(groaning agreement)
Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.
TODD
So… you wanna take an early lunch?
SHARON
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.
BLACKOUT
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Primetime Kalan, Next Saturday, October 21 at 8:30!
Hey Primetime Kalan fans! The October edition of TPK is just ten days away. What do we have on tap for you?
How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?
What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!
Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.
How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?
What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!
Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Recycling Center: More Jokes
The rejected joke saga continues:
In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."
According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.
More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.
A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.
A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.
Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!
A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.
During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."
According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.
In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."
According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.
More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.
A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.
A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.
Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!
A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.
During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."
According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Recycling Center: Jokes
Some rejected news jokes:
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.
President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.
Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!
It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”
Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.
An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.
President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.
Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!
It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”
Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.
An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Uh, Really, We're Professionals. Trust Us.
So, somewhere along the line, the wires got crossed. The actual dates for Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (a sketch show) are October 19, 20, 26, and 27. NOT (as previously reported) 19, 26, 27, 29.
Please do your best to ignore this mistake. We're aware it makes us seem like jackasses. Thanks.
Please do your best to ignore this mistake. We're aware it makes us seem like jackasses. Thanks.
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