In Which I Specify My Favorite Kind of Memoir

Autopornographical.

Primetime Kalan Tidbit

For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!

Anyway, here's the sketch:

ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...

DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.

COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?

COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.

ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.

COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!

COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.

ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.

COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.

COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.

ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!

COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.

ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.

COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?

ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!

COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.

Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.

COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!

ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?

COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?

ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Thanks.

ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...

ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.

FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?

ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...

ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?

FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -

FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...

ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...

ELLIOT
Father...

FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...

ELLIOTT
Please, just...

FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.

ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?

FATHER DOWLING
Yes.

ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?

FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.

ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.

ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.

FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!

ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!

If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW NIGHT

Here's my last plug for tomorrow's Primetime Kalan (the live talk/ variety show for which I'm a regular writer and performer). I'll let Mr. Kalan himself do the shilling:

Hey Kalan fans!

Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").

Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!

Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!

It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5

More info available here and here.

In Which I Dish About the Returning Television Programs

With the new fall TV season just starting, everyone's been after me for the exclusive scoop about what lies in store for them on their favorite shows. Well, I can't deny you, America! But be forewarned: spoilers lie ahead!

House MD - I have it on very good authority that there will be an episode where Dr. House gets in trouble for his unconventional methods. Also, look for the actors playing House's team, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, and Jennifer Morrison, to really step up and explore their roles as "Black Guy," "Australian Guy," and "Guy Who's Actually a Girl."

24 - A highly placed source has leaked me a snippet of dialogue from an upcoming episode. His only request was that I ex out a few of the words, so as to preserve the suspense. Here we go, kiddies!

JACK
(out of breath)
Chloe, I need those XXXXXXX's routed to my XXXXXX NOW!

CHLOE
I'm on it, Jack.

BUCHANAN
(sexily)
XXXXXXXX

I can hardly wait!

Prison Break – Spies on set tell me that this season Wentworth Miller will frequently glower soulfully.



















It’s like he can see right through me! Oh Wentworth! Can't … look… away.

My Name is Earl - This season we finally get the banned "Moustache Rides" episode.

Lost - The producers promise me that the season will start with a mind-blowing revelation that will turn everything you know about the island, the survivors, and the Others completely on its head. Then, in the middle of the season, there will be another mind-blowing revelation that turns everything you know approximately ninety degrees! Then, the season ends with a third mind-blowing revelation, turning things ninety degrees again, making a full circle and returning everything to its pre-season stasis.

In between those mind-fucks, re-runs will abound; Jack will become increasingly unlikable; and Kate will remain extremely pretty, but narratively unnecessary.

Gilmore Girls – Just a sample from the astonishing season premiere:

LORELAI She's my daughter.

[Luke slaps Lorelai]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister...
[slap]
She's my daughter...
[slap]
My sister, my daughter.

[More slaps]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister AND my daughter!

The Office – Pam marries Roy, Jim moves away, Michael is fired, Dwight is promoted to manager, the entire office is miserable, it’s just like where you work, days pass into months, months into years, you never write that novel, we all die alone, and no Virginia there isn’t any Santa Claus. In hi-def, where available.

Grey's Anatomy - It will be revealed that Dr. Meredith Grey's Zellwegerian squint is due to her being developmentally disabled, which explains why she runs around screwing up other people's lives, and why her voice-over narration bears no resemblance to actual lessons one might learn from experiencing the events on her show.

Veronica Mars – In a shocking twist, the fact that Veronica Mars is now on the CW with Gilmore Girls will result in countless crossovers… in the form of sexually explicit Internet fan fiction.

I hope that these tidbits will keep you salivating until your favorite show premieres! I know that I plan to lock the door, order in take-out, create a cocoon from blankets and my own hair clippings, and stay glued to the tube ‘til spring!

Happy watching!

Plugging Friends: The Return

Again, I had no part in the making of this video, but it stars two of my old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You cohorts (hint: the two who aren't animated paperclips). It was created for Sara's new show, Video Gaga, so if you like this, you should go check it out. Enjoy.

The First Captains in Space Fan Art

Wow-- some enterprising Livejournal user has created a series of icons immortalizing some Captains in Space quotes. Check them out here (scroll down; they start at #61). Even better, numbers 62, 64, and 65 are from the episode I wrote.

Also, if you're wondering where Captains in Space has been, the answer is that, like many shows, we've been in reruns over the summer. However, Captain Fed is working on editing the first episode of Season Two as we speak (well, not as we speak. Right now he's sitting in his office at work. But you know what I mean).

The next episode will be the most technically complex one yet, and aside from being written by me, it also features me in a guest-starring role. Why am I so self-centered? I dunno, but if it bothers you, you're probably on the wrong website.

Me, me, me!

In Which I Introduce You to My Excellent Squad of American Footballers

I was never much of a sports fan growing up. Or after growing up. Or at this precise moment. Perhaps it's because of all the jocks who beat me when I was growing up... or are beating me at this moment. It's difficult to say.

Still, I've recently fskldjfasjdvlkamsdv;akl...

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with all these jocks beating me up. What I meant to say was this: I've recently found my entree into the sports world, through fantasy football, which is the world's fastest growing hobby among young men, according to statistics collected by the part of my brain that makes stuff up. "Why not jump aboard that train?" I thought. "Fantasy football-- that sounds like fun."

So, vast Internets, allow me to introduce my fantasy football league:

The Brooklyn Good-At-Footballs

Coach: Dan McCoy

Quarterback:

Zondar the Maleficent, riding Butterfly, his unicorn. Whatever fantasy football team the Good-At-Footballs take on, they are sure to cower at the sight of this Galmorian Berserker, fully equipped with a trebuchet, which he uses to launch the football (or "stitched boarskin orb") as much as two miles. Butterfly may look girlish, but you should see him impale the opposing quarterback's skull on his mighty horn. Plus, his eyes shoot rainbows!

Running Backs:

Made up entirely of the Cheetah Men of the vast and dusty Fastlands, who run at speeds beyond human comprehension.



Kaftar will incapacitate you with his poisonous whiskers, while taunting you with his contemptuous battle cry of "Meow."

Wide Receivers:

A team of oafish giants, bred by a Slovarian slave trader to be the widest and receivingest creatures in the land!

Tight Ends:

A group of buxom cheerleaders who spend the entire season soaping one another in the locker room. Wait-- that's my football fantasy, not fantasy football. Um, ignore that... for now.

Defensive Backs:

A family of cloned Triceratops, genetically modified for increased weight, increased armor strength, and increased knowledge of football.

Linebackers:

Viking warriors, each equipped with Gondovian Battle Axes, which are noted for their capacity to cut through helmets and knee pads.

Kicker:

Strongthar of The Powerful Leg-Foot-Toe-Area, who, in addition to being the strongest and most accurate kicker of things in all the land, happens to be a powerful wizard, familiar with "The Spell of Always Winning Football Games," which makes the rest of the team kind of unnecessary.

I'll match my fantasy football team against yours any day, fellow men! So heed my call, possessors of Y chromosomes. Any takers, or are you too girl-like?

MANLY!

Primetime Kalan, August 26 - A Memo From Elliott

Hey Kalan Fans,

This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.

We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!

And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!

Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!

Plugging Friends

I had nothing to do with this short, but it was done by my friend Erik, so you should take a look. It parodies the Zuiikin English "Spare Me My Life" Japanese language video.

In Which I Make an Inquiry Regarding Current "Popular" Culture

What's all this I keep hearing about Snorks on a plane?

In Which I Discourse On a Number of Subtle Distinctions, Which are Important to Note

Pod Kast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the band OutKast.

Out Cast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the gay community.

--

Swingline - A kind of stapler.

Swing Line - A boat cruise catering exclusively to wife-swappers.

--

Morning Dew - Something that often comes from a male teenager's genitals.

Mountain Dew - Urine.

--

The Pulitzer Prize - The highest honor in journalism.

The Pull It, Sir! Prize - The highest honor in masturbation.

--

Okay, this post has just devolved into a series of dirty jokes. I apologize to you all, but mostly to my parents. You put me through college for this?

In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:

Governor:

George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!

Mayor:

Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:

Florida:

Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.

Pennsylvania:

Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?

Nebraska:

North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...

What?

What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26

Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.

Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!

The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!

Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."


















Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.

Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).















Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.

As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.

The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.

Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.

Please Vote for My Friend Liz

...who is a great person, who looks great in underwear.







"Vote for me! I'm the classy one!"

Now back to the regularly scheduled lack of posting.

Mondays Are Made for Minor Victories

I'm one of last week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Huzzah!