The Flop House Movie Minute #8 - Twin Sitters

We briefly discuss a barbarian-sized hit. Also: fully clothed breasts!

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Congratulations to Sara Schaefer

Congratulations to my friend and occasional colleague Sara Schaefer on her new gig writing for BestWeekEver.tv. This is the second time she's been able to quit her soul-crushing corporate job for gainful comedy employment. Some day I hope to know that sweet joy.

In the meantime, you can follow her collected Best Week Ever posts here.

The Flop House Episode Eighteen is ONLINE!

We discuss the teleporting extravaganza Jumper, a movie guaranteed to please the easily satisfied. Meanwhile, Stu explains his (unsurprisingly) sexual plans for super-powers, Matt pleads for peaceful coexistence between Jumpers and non-Jumpers, and Dan uses the podcast for his own personal gain
0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 1:21 - We introduce special guest host, Matt Koff.
1:22 - 29:19 - Jump! For my love! Jump in! ...Is a song we'd rather be listening to, than watching the film Jumper, starring Teen Anakin. Skywalker.
29:20 - 33:50 - Final judgments.
33:51 - 39:11 - A little Unbreakable feedback, and Dan hijacks the podcast for his own petty, personal purposes.
39:12 - 46:25 - The sad bastards recommend.
46:26 - 49:18 - Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Check out Matt Koff's very funny word of the day blog, the Word du Jour.









Wikipedia synopsis of Jumper.

Happy Birthday to Me!

In Which a Simple Request for Writing Advice Turns Into a Disturbing Psychosexual Drama

Matt: So your partner wants to experiment with tantric sex. But let's face it, you're a busy person! You don't have 10 hours to spend on a single orgasm! You’ve got foodshopping to do, dry cleaning to pick up, and bills to pay! At the Institute for Tantric Multitasking, we can show you how to keep things going, even while you’re coming!

me: Hmn.

Matt: That's all I got so far

!

me: I like the premise, but I'm not sure about this set-up...

Matt: Oh.

That's pretty much all there is.

me: I'd need to see more.

Matt: You mean the wording.

me: Yeah, something about it seems a little schticky.

But it has good potential.

Matt: I can see that.

I like you, you're a straight shooter!

You pull no punches.

me: I do enjoy hurting things.

With weapons and without.

Matt: Great!

Well, this meeting is over.

me: Okay.

>pulls out a Hustler <

>begins furtively masturbating<

Matt: Umm, you're still in my office.

me: Oh!

Right.

Matt: I have another meeting in 5 minutes.

me: This is your office.

Matt: Could you... stop that

right

YOU visited ME

me: Don't worry, I'll be done before then!

Just a sec.

Matt: You're missing the point.

me: It'll be longer if you don't stop talking!

Matt: Hrm.

me: Hand me the trash can.

Matt: It's in back of you.

me: Too late!

Matt: This is really impolite. Oh--

Oh geez.

me: Don't worry. It's mainly just in my pants.

I call that "intra-pant ejaculation."

As opposed to the more common "extra..."

I...

I should just go.

Matt: Yes.

me: See you at the family reunion!

Matt: With bells on.

...uncle Frank.

me: >CURTAIN<
Matt: The Atlantic Theater company is going to have a BALL with this one.

This is what the Internet has wrought, people. Bored, chat-based, off-color improvisational scenes. And what do you do at work?

If You Won't Listen to Me, Perhaps You'll Listen to the Highlander

ONE SARA SHOW, TONIGHT!
Tuesday, June 17 @ 8:00 p.m.
Ars Nova Theatre
Music by MEOWSKERS
Tamra Malaga, Dan McCoy
Directed by Jon Friedman
Live Video by Dan Winckler
$15

The Flop House Movie Minute #8 - Twisted Trailers

Trailers for some of this summer's biggest films.

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The Long, Awkward Conversation of the Lambs

Despite being in a number of comedy videos, I've never personally put a video on YouTube until now. And some may say that this barely qualifies. Still, take a look. You may enjoy it.

Buy "One Sara Show" Tix Online - Get Free Drink!

I'm giving readers of my blog the hook-up, ultimate booze-style. If you buy advance online tickets for Sara Schaefer's One Sara Show (featuring a cameo from yours truly) enter the coded SSFAN to get a drink ticket at the box office. Sara. Me. Alcohol. What more do you people want?

The Flop House Episode Seventeen is Online

We scoff at the feds by making our podcast completely Untraceable. You'll never shut us down! Meanwhile, Stuart pontificates about pizza disposal, Dan indicates his preference for old-timey modes of tragedy communication, and Elliott gives the writer of Untraceable lessons in Nielsen ratings.

0:00 - 0:30 - Intro and theme.
0:31 - 1:40 - We welcome back co-host Elliott Kalan after a brief break, and he pitches us a Kalan-centric TV vehicle.
1:41 - 26:42 - A perfectly pleasant conversation about sticking your penis in various foodstuffs is ruined by the film Untraceable.
26:43 - 30:00 - Final judgments.
30:01 - 36:16 - The sad bastards recommend.
36:17 - 38:03 - Shilling for the website - now with fan art and videos!
38:04 - 40:14 - Some final thoughts about Untraceable, fan art, and penises.
40:15 - 41:19 - Goodbyes, theme music, and outtakes.

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SOUND NOTE: We apologize for some of the sound in this episode. About 2/3 of the way through, some sort of technical issue befell Dan's microphone/ levels. We've done our best to fix this in post by manually boosting the volume whenever he speaks (since, luckily, he was picked up by the other host's microphones). However, as you can imagine, that solution isn't ideal. The episode is still completely listenable (thanks in some part to Dan not talking as much towards the end of the episode - a fortunate bit of laziness on his part), but we apologize for the dip in quality towards the end.








Wikipedia synopsis of Untraceable.

The Flop House Movie Minute #7 - Deleted Scenes

We present an extended cut from a horror movie classic.

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See Me (briefly) in Sara Schaefer's ONE SARA SHOW

Hey all -- my live appearances have been sparse lately, hopefully to be rectified in the near future, but for now you can enjoy my cameo in Sara Schaefer's new show. She's been working on it since last year, and now she's taking it to Ars Nova, one of the nicest theater spaces in New York. So come see it, why don't you?

SARA SCHAEFER'S ONE SARA SHOW
WRITTEN AND STARRING SARA SCHAEFER
DIRECTED BY JON FRIEDMAN
MUSIC BY MEOWSKERS

Tuesday, June 17 @ 8 p.m. Ars Nova Theatre Tickets ($15) available at SmarTix or Ars Nova or by calling (212) 868-4444

In her new show, Sara Schaefer's One Sara Show, comedian Sara Schaefer attempts the impossible: to stage a solo show all about herself while simultaneously proving she's not a self-absorbed bitch. With the help of a hipstery rock band (Meowskers), some friends (Tamra Malaga, Dan McCoy, and Dan Winckler), and a whole lot of glitzy multi-media pyrotechnics (i.e. VHS home movies and clipart), it's way more than a solo performance - it's a goddamn miracle.

CAPTAINS IN SPACE EPISODE SEVEN!

A new Captains in Space episode is a lot like Christmas: it brings joy and happens approximately once a year. In this case, that time is now. Episode Seven is GO!

We lost a captain: Something happened to Captain Adam in Episode 6: Beauty. We gained a captain: Some guy named Captain Matt has mysteriously taken his place. But there's no time to ponder these imponderables (don't worry, we'll answer these questions in a future episode), because the Captains are in grave danger! A mysterious green gas has engulfed the ship with unexpected consequences. Plus, two mysteriously sexy visitors suddenly appear. Are they dangerous, are they aliens, do they want to mate with the Captains? I know two Captains who are hoping the answer to the last question is "yes, please."

This episode features sexy space ladies Stefanie Estes and Amy Shute, and the compositions of musical powerhouse Keith Burgun of Dinosaur Lightning.

Subscribe via iTunes, download it, or watch it via YouTube, below:




Captains in Space: A Hairy Situation

Episode Written by: Dan McCoy
Story by: Stuart Wellington
Additional Material by: The Captains in Space writing staff

Director/ Cinematography/ Audio: Brad Bergbom
Producer/ Assistant Director/ Editor/ Special Effects: Fed Hatoum
3D Modeling: Winston Johnson
Music: Keith Burgun
Head Writer: Dan McCoy
Writing Staff: Matt Koff, Fed Hatoum, Andrew Dickerson

Cast:
Captain Fed - Fed Hatoum
Captain Matt - Matt Koff
Frankie - Vedette Lim
Space Girlfriend One - Stefanie Estes
Space Girlfriend Two - Amy Shute

The Flop House Episode Sixteen is ONLINE!

In the battle between Alien and Predator, there can be only one winner, and it's not the viewing public. Meanwhile, Stuart reveals a shocking secret about vaginas, Dan does a sub-par 70's TV impression, and Lou keeps urging people to draw things.

0:00 - 0:29 - Introduction and theme.
0:30 - 2:35 - We speculate about regular host Elliott Kalan's absence, and learn a little about guest host Lou Fernandez.
2:36 - 32:05 - Alien vs. Predator, possibly the coolest concept in the world, provided you're an acne-riddled 12-year-old.
32:06 - 35:25 - Final judgments.
35:26 - 42:14 - The sad bastards recommend.
42:15 - 45:07 - We draw your attention to Elliott's recent television triumph and plug our website a little.
45:08 - 48:09 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Dan mentions in the show that actor Lance Henriksen also sells his pottery online. You can check it out here.







Wikipedia synopsis of AVP2.

Big Site News - Whither Laffs is Now Fully Indexed

I know I haven't been posting much here for the last week or so, but that's partly because I've quietly been going back and tagging all of my old posts, to make the site much more searchable and easy to use. If you're looking for all of one kind of post (or if you're a frequent collaborator/ friend, looking to see how often you're mentioned*), now you can just click on the appropriate tag and see all of those posts grouped together.

So if, say, you're bored at work, and you want to read some of my comic essays, you can click that tab.

Or maybe you'd prefer to see some of my videos (or, if not mine, some selections from other comedian friends that I've highlighted over the years).

Perhaps outdated topical humor is your cup of tea. Then go for some monologue jokes and trace my utter failure at getting a joke on SNL's Weekend Update, despite being on the freelancer's list for like three seasons.**

If you like to read sketches on the page, without all those pesky "actors" messing it up, you can check out my sketch scripts. Please don't steal them, though (or if you do, give me proper credit).

For a tour of some of the dumbest things I've ever written, check out comedy gibberish. It's like a comedian's notebook full of half-formed nonsense. Then again, sometimes the goofiest stuff gets the biggest laughs.

Or, if you don't have time for all that, you could check out my favorite posts. I'll try and point you to the funny stuff. Of course, your sense of humor might be different than mine, but if that's true, you probably wouldn't enjoy this site anyway.

Finally, a way to conveniently avoid reading parts of my blog that you don't care about! I'm always looking for new and more efficient ways for my readers to ignore me. I hope this helps.

*Sara Schaefer and Elliott Kalan are currently neck-and-neck for most mentions, at 48 each. Fight, fight, fight for my love!

**Yeah, I know WU jokes aren't really the same as monologue stuff, but it's a similar sort of current-events humor, and I had to tag it as something. Back off, imaginary objector.

The Flop House Movie Minute #6 - Con Men

The Flop House makes a foray into near-journalism and visits the NY ComiCon.

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Shocking Legal News

"Set in Sin City, story revolves around two people who discover they've gotten married following a night of debauchery, with one of them winning a huge jackpot after playing the other's quarter. Unhappy pair try to undermine each other and get their hands on the money -- falling in love along the way." --Synopsis of "What Happens in Vegas" from IMDB



What this synopsis fails to mention is that Kutcher and Diaz are then "sentenced to six months hard marriage."

These activist judges are getting out of control!

What an unexpected result of Dennis Miller becoming a judge. I'll bet the Bush administration regrets that appointment... unless, of course, forced heterosexual conscription is a part of their strategy against gay marriage.

SHAME ON YOU, JUDICIAL BRANCH.

New Video Sketch

I have a cameo role in this video, written by and starring my friend Matt Koff. Give it a watch, why don't you?



DVD commentary tidbit: We shot much of this guerrilla-style in one of the busiest hotels located in the center of America's largest city. In addition to my key cameo, I did double-duty as a lookout, pretending to be talking to someone on my cell, and loudly saying the code words "house phone," whenever anyone not involved in the shoot approached. Because there's nothing less suspicious than someone shouting the common phrase "house phone" while lurking outside a restroom.

The Flop House Episode Fourteen is ONLINE!

We answer the question, "How bad could a movie with dragon wars possibly be?" Meanwhile, Dan pitches a new Bikini-themed movie, Elliott has a flashback to the war, Stu makes a love connection, and we all take a big swig of the Hong Kong cocktail.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 26:07 - After a brief and transparent bid for sympathy on Dan's part, we get down to business and discuss D-War: Dragon Wars, the film that can't make up its mind whether to abbreviate itself.
26:08 - 27:37 - Final judgments.
27:38 - 28:49 - We announce a shameless ploy to increase listenership.
28:50 - 32:29 - A long-absent segment makes its triumphant return.
32:30 - 38:20 - The sad bastards recommend.
38:21 - 42:08 - Some podcast business is taken care of, amidst copious gibberish.
42:09 - 43:21 - Goodbyes, theme music, and outtakes.

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The new Facebook group I mention in the episode can be found here (there's also a permanent link in the sidebar).

I apologize that the audio quality is slightly lower than the previous few episodes. My allergy-addled mind didn't take enough time checking the levels, so I sound slightly louder and cracklier than Stu or Elliott, despite doing my best to fix it in post.







Wikipedia synopsis of D-War.

May Day Cards