Tuesday, June 17, 2008

In Which a Simple Request for Writing Advice Turns Into a Disturbing Psychosexual Drama

Matt: So your partner wants to experiment with tantric sex. But let's face it, you're a busy person! You don't have 10 hours to spend on a single orgasm! You’ve got foodshopping to do, dry cleaning to pick up, and bills to pay! At the Institute for Tantric Multitasking, we can show you how to keep things going, even while you’re coming!
me: Hmn.
Matt: That's all I got so far
me: I like the premise, but I'm not sure about this set-up...
Matt: Oh.
That's pretty much all there is.
me: I'd need to see more.
Matt: You mean the wording.
me: Yeah, something about it seems a little schticky.
But it has good potential.
Matt: I can see that.
I like you, you're a straight shooter!
You pull no punches.
me: I do enjoy hurting things.
With weapons and without.
Matt: Great!
Well, this meeting is over.
me: Okay.
>pulls out a Hustler <
>begins furtively masturbating<
Matt: Umm, you're still in my office.
me: Oh!
Matt: I have another meeting in 5 minutes.
me: This is your office.
Matt: Could you... stop that
YOU visited ME
me: Don't worry, I'll be done before then!
Just a sec.
Matt: You're missing the point.
me: It'll be longer if you don't stop talking!
Matt: Hrm.
me: Hand me the trash can.
Matt: It's in back of you.
me: Too late!
Matt: This is really impolite. Oh--
Oh geez.
me: Don't worry. It's mainly just in my pants.
I call that "intra-pant ejaculation."
As opposed to the more common "extra..."
I should just go.
Matt: Yes.
me: See you at the family reunion!
Matt: With bells on.
...uncle Frank.
Matt: The Atlantic Theater company is going to have a BALL with this one.

This is what the Internet has wrought, people. Bored, chat-based, off-color improvisational scenes. And what do you do at work?

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