The Flop House Movie Minute #13 - Rainy Day Fun

We give you directions on how to make your own Flop House at home.

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A One-Act Play

NO EXIT (TO THIS CONVERSATION)

by Dan McCoy

Lights up. Dan sits at the reception desk of the college admissions office where he works.

PHONE RINGS. Dan picks it up. We hear the voice on the other end.

WOMAN
Hi. I'm wondering where most of the classes are held?

DAN
What? I'm not sure what you mean.

WOMAN
Where most of the classes are held.

DAN
There's not one single place where classes are held. I'm not sure what you need-- a street address?

WOMAN
No, just, like, where most of the classes are held.

DAN
Classes are held in several different buildings. The main administration for the [REDACTED] school is in [REDACTED] Hall.

WOMAN
So is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Some classes are held there. They're in different places on campus.

WOMAN
Yeah, that's what I mean. Campus.

DAN
Okay. The campus is at [STREET ADDRESS]

WOMAN
And is that where most of the classes are held?

DAN
Campus?

WOMAN
Yes.

DAN
Yes. Yes, the classes are held on campus.

Dan pulls out a gun and shoots the phone. Then he shoots himself. His ghost murders the woman. The earth is absorbed by the sun.*

BLACKOUT

*This portion of the play is not based on fact.

New Show Alert! "Shameful Display" at The Magnet Theater

Hey, crazy political season, right? Yep, yep, yep. Lots of stuff going on. I bet there's a lot of comedy potential in this whole "electing the president" thing, and whatnot. Seems like someone should do something about it. I mean, other than The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, pretty much any monologue jokes on any late-night talk show (and some of the daytime ones), countless YouTube sketches, and pretty much every stand-up out there.

But most of those guys are on TV. What about if you want some live political sketch comedy, done by some people who have friends who work on a couple of the aforementioned television shows, but aren't successful enough to work in television themselves? Doesn't that sound AWESOME?*

Come to The Magnet Theater, one of NYC's premiere sketch and improv venues on Sunday, October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9, to see SHAMEFUL DISPLAY, a series of political sketch comedy shows leading up to (and just after) the election. And the best part (well, I'm assuming, if you're reading my blog) is that I'll be co-writing and performing in the shows.

Watch this space for more information, as the dates approach.

*I'm mastering the soft-sell. Is it doing anything for you?

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Three is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and writer Ritch Duncan to talk about Wild Hogs, the movie that posits that middle aged actors on motorcycles is inherently funny. Meanwhile, Elliott does his scarily accurate Ray Liotta laugh, Dan delves into John Travolta's tortured psyche, and Ritch proposes a Bruce Springsteen simile that perfectly sums up The Flop House.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:45 - We welcome back Elliott Kalan, make fun of Stuart, and reintroduce Ritch Duncan.
2:46 - 40:22 - We make up for our spottily-released late summer shows by making this our second-longest episode ever and spending far too much time discussing Wild Hogs-- possibly more than the screenwriter took to write it.
40:23 - 44:30 - Final judgments.
44:31 - 49:10 - We congratulate Elliott on some huge news, and spend a little time discussing the Ewe Boll contest (with a brief R.I.P. for Dan's local video rental place).
49:11 - 55:56 - The sad bastards recommend.
55:57 - 57:28 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Wild Hogs

New Show Alert: Smile Time Variety Hour, Sept. 20

Come see me perform sketch comedy (possibly some written by me, although that is undetermined, as of yet) at this theater benefit at the Brooklyn Lyceum:

Captains in Space Episode Eight: The Venusian Candidate is OUT NOW!

Leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer guest stars as Spacewoman Schaefer, a politician who's in the fight of her life to become the next President of Space. Who stands in her way? Two co-captains and a lady computer. It's decision 2089 -- who's ready to be pandered to?

ALSO: Shiny new credit sequence! And Eric Zuckerman as a hairy detective. You may have seen him earlier this year stuffing food down his pants in the hit comedy Baby Mama. And now he stuffs this episode... down his pants.

Subscribe via iTunes, download it, or watch it via YouTube, below:

THE VENUSIAN CANDIDATE

Episode Written by: Dan McCoy
Additional Material by: The Captains in Space writing staff
Producer/ Assistant Director/ Editor: Fed Hatoum
Director/ Cinematography/ Audio: Brad Bergbom
3D Modeling: Winston Johnson
Special Effects: Fed Hatoum
Special make-up effects: Dan McCoy
Theme music: Keith Burgun
Head Writer: Dan McCoy
Writing Staff: Matt Koff, Fed Hatoum, Andrew Dickerson

Cast:
Captain Fed - Fed Hatoum
Captain Matt - Matt Koff
Frankie - Vedette Lim
Spacewoman Schaefer - Sara Schaefer
Kojackal - Eric Zuckerman
Alien Newscaster - Elliott Kalan
Attack Ad Narrator - Dan McCoy

A NOTE: Some of you may notice that this episode features the same plot as that Kevin Costner flop Swing State, a film which you probably forgot about until I mentioned it right now, even though it was released one short month ago.

Let me assure you that I wrote this episode long before the movie was even in production (nearly two years ago -- yeah, that's how long we lag from script to screen. A bunch of real pros, we are), and we shot it back in November. So there's no connection between the two except for the writer of that movie and I both looked at how close the last two elections have been and came up with the same hack premise. Except my version, you know, actually makes sense, as it takes place in a fantasy science fiction world, rather than the real-life U.S.A., which has a little something called the Electoral College.

Anyway, America has already rejected Costner's version. So let's just pretend it doesn't exist, kay?

The Flop House Movie Minute #12 - Ewe Boll Contest

We honor the modern-day Ed Wood with a contest.

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The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Written

Greetings my budding Brandos, my nascent Oliviers, my fetal Baxter-Birneys. Greetings and welcome to Classical Modes of Theater. In this class you will learn of our grand theatrical past, from puppetry and mime, to tumbling and acrobatics, to oiled, naked, pagan fertility rituals -- the recreation of which, by the way, can be attempted for extra credit, provided that I am present and allowed to videotape, for liability reasons. Those among you who would describe yourself as "nubile" can sign up on the sheet by the door on the way out.

But today, dear junior thespians, we will be examining the 16th century Italian comedic tradition -- perhaps the pinnacle of theatrical comedy, my ducklings. For it was then that traveling troupes of comedians developed the semi-improvised form known as Commedia dell'Fart.

Do not laugh! PHILISTINES! NAY-SAYERS! UNWILLING NUBILES! Commedia dell'Fart is serious business, and a solemn trust. Skilled players trained for years, honing their archetypal characters, so that they might best elicit laughter through the precise deployment of farts and fart-like expellations. They were the most respected of the great gas-based comedy traditions of Europe.

And any examination of their craft must necessarily begin with an explication of those archetypes. You see, each member of the troupe had their specialty -- their very own stock character, which would interact with the others in the troupe, following certain basic story outlines, but always leaving room for the off-the-cuff explorations of individual fartists' fartistry. Thus, I shall list the primary characters:

Fartecchino, or the Fartlequin -- The merry jokester of the group, he is distinguished both by the traditional diamond pattern on his jester's suit, and the diamond-shaped puffs of smoke he blows with his anus. He often wears an "Infartnito," or butt-mask. Upon this oversized pair of novelty buttocks, are placed several warts, painted with vibrant colors. When pierced, these faux warts erupted with stage pus (most often surplus cannoli filling) and expelled tiny puffs of gas, creating musical mini-farts. When ruptured in the proper order, they would play a song -- usually something by Scarlatti, or Avril Lavigne's song "Girlfriend" (in modern performances).

Il Capootano -- The boldest of the fartistes, distinguished by the unusual strength of his farts, he appears in military dress and provides the traditional denoument of a Commedia dell'Fart scenario: the defeat of the villian by way of a live cannon round discharged from between his cheeks. Also, should a member of the troupe die, it is he who is responsible for the traditional 21-fart salute.

The Fartamore -- These are the lovers, distinguished as such by the delicacy and length of their emissions. While initially at odds with one another ("Il suo obiettivo fa un rumore tremendo che dà me uno mal di testa" is a traditional Commedia cry, meaning "The noise of your ass gives me a migraine") they learn to love one another when they discover that, while their odors are terrible apart, when their farts mingle they create a pleasant miasma smelling of lemon curd, fresh-baked bread, and orchids.

Pantalone -- Literally "pants." Ironically named because he wears none, for the length of the play. Oh, how amusing it is to see his genitals swing about, blown aloft by the gust eminating from between...

[commotion]

WHAT! WHAT IS THIS? UNHAND ME!

What leads you to manhandle me so, ruffian?

You say that I have no formal training in the history of theater? You claim that I am not a professor, and that this school, far from being an accredited institution is the boiler room of the sports stadium where my mother plays the organ? You go on to say that I have several restraining orders against me, filed by nubile young pagans?

Well, yes... those claims are true in the broad strokes, but isn't life shades of grey? Isn't...

AUGH! MY BUTTOCKS! I HAVE NEVER RECIEVED SUCH A KICKING! AND ALL BECAUSE I MADE UP AN OFF-COLOR ITALIAN THEATER TRADITION! BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

[crying]

I NEVER LEARNED TO FART.

[At this point the author looks at what he has written, and realizes he's wasted his life.]

The Shocking Truth About Joe Lieberman

THOSE AREN'T JOWLS!

Don't forget to oil your jaw hinge, Joey!

This Fall, Bangkok Gets CAGED

I'm fascinated by the upcoming film Bangkok Dangerous, and all the questions it raises. Some of my questions involve Nicholas Cage's greasy hair, and whether he uses it to whip thugs into submission, but most focus on the title. Are the villains that Nic Cage faces so devilishly (and grammatically) evil that they've stolen the word "is" from the very title of the film? Is it a play on the everyday phrase "Bangkok Dangerous?" As in, "Oh, you don't want to fuck with Nic Cage, man. That motherfucker is BANGKOK Dangerous." Is the entire film simply a poorly-translated warning video put out by the Bankok tourism board, and if so, what's their budget? Nic Cage's greasy hair don't come cheap.

Mainly, I just wonder what they'll name the sequel. "Bangkok Dangerous" is such a perfect void of meaning, a phrase of such exquisite, dumb emptiness that I worry it can't be topped. When you stare into Bangkok Dangerous, Bangkok Dangerous stares back into you.

Still, I thought I could offer the producers some possibilities. One obvious option is simply to switch locations:




















Or they could move to a different city and add some punk rock flair:




















Better yet, they could expand on the sexual pun inherent in "Bangkok:"




















Perhaps they could keep the innuendo while maintaining a faux-Eastern feel...




















Or they could dispense with all subtlety, and go more clinical:




















But they should probably just go with something brutally honest:

Sara Palin Scandals

The haste with which John McCain made his Vice Presidential candidate choice made a thorough vetting impossible. As a result, a number of potential scandals have been uncovered by political bloggers. Here's a guide to some of the lesser-known scandals:

• In an interview, she claimed her biggest flaw was that she "cares too much," when her biggest flaw is actually that she's "a perfectionist."
• She passes along email forwards without checking Snopes.
• Her favorite Indiana Jones movie was Crystal Skull, and she thought the Star Wars prequels were "cute."
• She came to your dinner party without warning you that she's lactose intolerant.
• On escalators, she stands to the left and walks on the right.
• She told a friend that she thought you were looking "a little chubby."
• She Twitters you all the time about lame bullshit.
• She eats oysters in months without an "R."
• She's really looking forward to Bangkok Dangerous.