Friday, February 02, 2007

In Which I Suggest Several Brilliant Ideas For Video Games


In this exciting simulation game, you get to see what it would be like to be Harper's magazine editor, Lewis Lapham! Compose "Notebook" articles detailing the failures of the Bush administration directed at the people who most need to hear it--your almost exclusively liberal, over-educated readership! Take part in panels in which you excoriate the traditional press for their compliant war coverage! Thank heaven for the MacArthur Foundation, which allows you to fund all this without worrying about magazine sales! But watch out--if you're hit by a Koopa Paratroopa, you'll die!

Copyright Infringement Rumble

Play as Spider-Man, Pikachu, Mickey Mouse, Batman, Alias' Sydney Bristow, Beatle Bailey, Luke Skywalker, SpongeBob SquarePants, King Kong, Oprah Winfrey, or any number of other characters we've neglected to clear the rights to, in this all-out throw-down fighting game!

Beat The Shit Out of Private Residences and the People Living Inside

Take the Grand Theft Auto concept one step further, with this fully interactive suburban environment. Roam from house to house breaking windows, spray-painting rude limericks on aluminum siding, and inviting your thug friends over for impromptu cook-outs using other people's gas grills. Then enter the houses to find over 1,000 discrete characters of all ethnicities and ages (utilizing the latest artificial intelligence), for you to kill, maim, or molest… our favorite is molest!

Inexplicable Cute Japanese Thing That Five-Year-Olds Will Love

What is that thing? Is it a big pink gelatinous blob? It has ears, though. I... I think they're ears. Maybe they're supposed to be vestigial wings. Whatever it is, it's poorly-animated. What's that language he talks? Oh, that's his name. Why does he keep referring to himself in the third person, then? You say there's a card game that goes along with this? So is the card game an ad for the video game or is the video game an ad for the card game? Or are they both an ad for the cartoon? Wait, the video game is about the cartoon, which is about kids playing the card game? Well, whatever it is, it's synergy-tastic!

Game With Nudity In It

Hey—that's a video game character, but she's totally naked. Awesome! Video games aren't just for kids anymore! They're for adolescent 30-year olds!

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