The Summer Funtime Special was a smashing success last night. For those of you who couldn't be there, I offer the following sketch, one of my favorites from the show...
The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.
WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.
HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?
WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.
The husband rises to EXIT.
HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.
Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.
WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.
The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)
HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?
He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.
`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...
WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...
HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...
WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...
HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...
WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...
The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.
SFX: A LOUD CRASH!
They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.
MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!
HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?
WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.
HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!
WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.
HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!
WIFE
I don't even know what that means!
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)
WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?
HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!
WIFE
Good plan.
They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.
WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.
HUSBAND
Yeah.
WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?
HUSBAND
Seriously?
She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.
He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...
He drops the air conditioner out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!
HUSBAND
What did you do?!
WIFE
Me?
HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.
He STORMS OUT of the room.
WIFE
Where are you going?
HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!
He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.
WIFE
What are you...?!
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.
MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!
WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!
The husband ducks under the window sill.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!
The husband RUNS OUT of the room.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!
The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)
WIFE
Why did you do that?!
HUSBAND
He was a witness!
WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?
HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.
WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!
HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!
WIFE
That's not the point! You...
SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.
POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
They look at each other for a moment, then...
HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!
The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!
BLACKOUT.
ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...
The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.
WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.
HUSBAND
And how!
They laugh loud and long, right into the...
BLACKOUT.
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3 comments:
Funniest damn thing you have ever written. I kid you not. The fear every human being has ever had when installing an air conditioner is brought to pure brilliant light with this piece. Manifique.
Why thanks, F#8. Yeah, I drew this one from life-- or at least my own neurotic fears. As Homer said, "It's funny 'cause it's true."
I don't laugh out loud reading things much...actually, I don't laugh that much at all ever since I sold my soul for a pair of Red Sox tickets and this really cool can opener that, like, has a picture of Mao on it, and plays the Chinese national anthem whenever you start to open a can. But yeah, this is funny. Wish I had been able to see the show, but I'm in Ohio. And at the moment, I think I wish I wasn't in Ohio at all. Because the fucking can opener just broke.
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