Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Summer Health Tips

  • The darker your complexion, the less susceptible you are to most types of skin cancer. So stay out in the sun until your body is a uniform rosy hue. Do not be dissuaded if this outer layer of skin peels off within a day or two. If you keep up your blackening regimen, your entire body will soon be covered with irregularly shaped protective “sun retardants.”
  • Watermelon can be a delicious treat… if you’re a racist.
  • The heat tends to effect pets and the elderly the most. One lucrative summer job is to run a “dead pool” on your local city pound and/or retirement home. Just be conscious of rolling blackouts – one deadly heat wave can throw your odds off for the whole summer. That’s what killed Bugsy Siegel.
  • Remember that, while an ice-cold beer can be refreshing, alcohol dehydrates you. If you’re planning a day in the sun, stick to dreadful, watery beers like Budweiser.
  • Close the drapes during the day, to keep heat out. Unless you live at 10 Fulton Ave., Brooklyn. Then keep leaving them open, especially when you’re in the bed and bathrooms. And don’t look too closely at the apartment across from you.
  • You know how people discuss what the “song of the summer” is? Yeah, don’t do that. It’s a leading cause of me punching you in the neck.
  • Window units may seem like an effective way to cool a room—that is, until they become sentient and murder you as a sacrifice to their horrible god, Freon the Freezestroyer. He rode a polar bear and came brandishing icicles, and when he was done with his chilly business, the rivers would have run red with blood, had they not been frozen. He knows your heart is warm, and he hates you for it.
  • Using the oven can heat up your apartment fast. Be sure to leave the oven door open to help disperse the heat. Note: this may result in longer cook times: up to 5 minutes for ground beef, and 7 minutes for chicken.
  • Turning the lights off can lead to substantial energy savings and a cooler home. It can also lead to GETTING IT ON! OH YEAAAAH.
  • Run your fucking air conditioner, you goofy sonuvabitch. What, you afraid Al Gore’s gonna beat you with a sack of windmills? Jeezus.

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