Obama's Vice Presidential Candidate: Weighing the Options

It seems like the number one question on everyone’s mind these days, other than, “Should I pre-order tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua now, to avoid the inevitable opening weekend rush?” is: “Who will presidential hopeful Barack Obama choose to be his running mate?”

Well, lucky for you America (and for you, Mr. Obama, wherever you’re from – as far as I’ve been able to glean from e-mail forwards, I believe it’s the Terror Province of Lower Muslimistan) you have me to guide you through the possible candidates. So let me take a moment to put on my pundit hat (a rather smart trilby, topped with a blue jay feather) and let’s get analyzing.

HILARY CLINTON

Former first lady. Failed Democratic presidential candidate.

PROS: Will bring in wide base of Hilary-supporters, who would otherwise be convinced that the logical alternative to a female Democratic senator is an elderly anti-choice white guy whose legislative voting history puts him 95% in agreement with George W. Bush. Because… y’know… if she’s not president they’re taking their ball and going home.

CONS: Said supporters are also probably people who watch Lifetime because it’s “Television for Women,” even though Lifetime’s idea of women’s TV is a never-ending stream of television movies about housewives who’ve had webcams secretly installed in their bathroom, pool house, and nude-lounge by that creepy guy next door. Shouldn’t Obama aim higher? At least go for Oxygen-viewers.

MICHAEL PHELPS

Olympian. Mark Spitz impersonator.

PROS: With his history-making 14 career Olympic medals and 8 medals from the Bejing Olympic – the highest single-Olympics performance – Michael Phelps may be the most popular sports figure in America right now, and could ride a post-games wave of patriotism right into the White House. Also, his freakishly large feet could distract from Obama’s freakishly large ears.

CONS: Weak on the economy.

JACKIE CHAN

Hong Kong action star. Death-defyer.

PROS: The McCain camp seeks to draw attention to Obama’s “otherness” through coded references to his racial identity, so why shouldn’t Obama take advantage of it, by teaming up with Jackie Chan—everyone’s favorite choice to round out an ethnically mismatched buddy duo?!

CONS: Chan getting too old to successfully perform the “jump from the top of the Washington Monument” trick required of all VP’s—at least without the aid of a stunt man.

PARIS HILTON

Something something heiress. Something sex tape.

PROS: Apparently a pretty big celebrity, according to John McCain, or whatever staff member who follows pop culture from five years ago on his behalf. Also: anyone seems to be a person of substance when standing next to Paris Hilton.

CONS: In the words of Tina Fey, “Is a piece of shit.”

JOHN MCCONE

Former C.I.A. director. Cuban Missle Crisis survivor.

PROS: Congressional Medal of Honor winner. Worked with other democratic presidents, JFK and Lyndon Johnson. However, his main value to the Obama camp would be name recognition. Specifically, John McCain’s. McCone would be sure to bring in a statistically significant number of votes from nearsighted Republicans.

CONS: Intelligence operatives not all that popular right now. Also, is a corpse.

A PACK OF JUICY FRUIT

Popular gum. Food alternative.

PROS: The taste is gonna move ya... TO THE POLLS!

CONS: I’m clearly getting tired of writing this.