By Me, Second Officer Guido Tomas!

The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

Christmas specials under the microscope.

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The music you hear in this episode is Hark the Herald Angels sing, as performed by Doug Hammer on the album Noel, courtesy of Feels Like Christmas, which provides free Christmas music for personal and nonprofit use.

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Eight is ONLINE!

How can a movie centered around a lisping, fright-wigged Dustin Hoffman possibly go wrong? Anything's possible in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium! Meanwhile, Dan busts out another one of his 101 voices, Stuart uncovers the lost, obscene Mark Knopfler album, and Elliott reveals the rampant incompetence of medical droids.

0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and theme.
0:35 - 5:04 - We spend the first five minutes talking about a movie about toys that WASN'T the one we watched, released more than a decade ago.
5:05 - 11:14 - We make a brief feint at discussing Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, but quickly get sidetracked by talk of Willy Wonka and old-time character actors.
11:15 - 35:41 - We finally manage to focus on the topic at hand, the horrifying tale of a sentient toy store and its insane inhabitants. What's that? It's a kids' film? ...You sure?
35:42 - 40:05 - Final judgments.
40:06 - 44:10 - Copyright infringement, listener mail, and discussion of nude Lea Thompson.
44:11 - 46:34 - The MOST IMPORTANT SEGMENT EVER.
46:35 - 54:38 - The sad bastards recommend.
54:39 - 58:30 - Goodbyes, outtakes, and theme.

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**CORRECTION: As perhaps the whitest man alive, Elliott can be forgiven for not knowing that In Living Color aired on Fox, and not on MTV, as he stated in this episode.









Wikipedia synopsis of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

The Flop House Movie Minute #17 - Twisted Trailers 2: Two Shades of Blue

More trailers for the biggest winter releases.

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Once You Go Bat

Hey, my friend Frank Lesser directed and co-wrote (with one of his Colbert Report writer brethren, Mike Brumm) this comedic short. It stars Ben Rodgers and the lovely Sue Galloway who I was privileged to do a few shows with, back in the day (nowadays you might recognize her as the "girl writer" in the background of all the 30 Rock writers' room scenes).

Frank let me see the rough cut of this ahead of time, and it was fun seeing it come together from the earlier versions to this final one. Anyway, enjoy:

Is it Just Me?

Or is Donald Trump about to finger that steak?


















"Yeah, you like that, Steak? You like that? Yeah you do. When Trump finger-bangs a steak, it gets fingered reeeeal classy."

The Flop House Episode #27 is ONLINE!

It's the 27th episode, and we're discussing 27 Dresses. Coincidence? Yes. We're neither that clever nor that well-planned. But enjoy as our chick flick discussion leads us to make several lazy jokes based on gender stereotypes that we don't believe, because we are also hacks. Meanwhile, Stuart does his Josh Brolin impression, Elliott gives a fun fact about Japanese brides, and an innocent remark by Dan turns into a horrifying sexual come-on.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:15 - Facial hair is much discussed.
2:16 - 32:22 - We talk about the Katherine Heigel rom-com 27 Dresses, and show our affinity for the material by staying on-topic almost never. Also: boobs.
32:23 - 36:30 - Final judgments, in which 27 Dresses manages to SHATTER the Flop House categories.
36:31 - 46:17 - The sad bastards recommend. Plus, we learn another famous person Elliott has had tangential interactions with. And also: even more boobs.
46:18 - 48:46 - November-December is Flop House listener pledge drive season - but you don't have to pay us in cash-- just recruit new listeners.
48:47 - 51:30 - We write the great lost sex comedy, "Lustache."
51:31 - 52:55 - Goodbyes, theme, outtakes, and a whole heck of a lot more boobs.

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Wikipedia synopsis of 27 Dresses

As promised, here are the photos of Stuart and his new mustache. Send us your opinions of who Stuart looks like to theflophousepodcast (at) gmail (dot) com.















The glare from Stu's mustache is enough that even he must squint.



















Stuart is the thoughtful king of bad movies, adjudicating like Solomon of old.

Final "You, Your World, and You" Post

I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*

Newsdesk McCain Announcement

DAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.

MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.

DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.

MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.

DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?

MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.

DAN
Camelback Street?

MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.

DAN
And then what?

MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.

DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!

Wolf and the Holograms

WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.

WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.

Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.

WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…

A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.

WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.

JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?

WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…

JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.

WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?

JESSICA
None whatsoever.

WOLF
None Jessica?

JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!

Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.

WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?

Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.

HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.

HANK
Wolf? Hello?

WOLF
Yes hello?

HANK
Wolf?

WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?

HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf

WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?

HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.

WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.

HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.

WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…

The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.

WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.

Wolf puts the bucket over his head.

WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?

HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.

Wolf takes off the bucket.

WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?

HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!

WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.

HANK EXITS

WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?

DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.

WOLF
Where… are you?

DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.

WOLF
What are…?

DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.

WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?

DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.

WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?

DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.

WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?

The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.

Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.

JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!

DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)

Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.

WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.

WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.

A beat.

DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.

BLACKOUT.

*answer: probably not

"Fruit Talk" With Dan & Ritch

Ritch's new status message - Honeydew melon is the scourge of the fruit salad.

me: And how.

Ritch: I had thought that citrus was the worst, but when they just layer the bottom with honeydew, then throw a kiwi, a few blueberry and a grape on top you're getting hosed.

me: You figure honeydew is a cheap crop?

I guess it has to be.

The way they throw it around.

Seems weird though, since all melons have to take up a lot of space.

Ritch: right

me: Honeydew is like someone soaked some Styrofoam in rose water.

Ritch: It's not bad, but I'm not buying a whole tub of it

now cataloupe, there's a difffernt story

me: That's your money melon.

Ritch: amen to that

The watermelon enjoys far too lofty a status.

me: Agreed.

It's just a lot of lightly sweetened liquid in a marginal melon shell.

And everyone's so excited about it, in the summer.

Plus: too big.

Never seen any picnic go through an entire melon.

Let's get on that, science.

Ritch: All very true

the big sell on watermelon- "lets carve a hole in it and pour vodka in it!"

me: Yeah.

And really, couldn't you do that with nearly anything?

I know it works with me.

Ritch: That's throwing good after bad, that's what that is

me: Sans carving the hole.

I come pre-holed.

Everything-- improved by vodka!

Ritch: There's your memoir:

"Dan McCoy: Preholed"

Mango is pretty good

it never really gets involved in the whole melon debate

and I know, it might not technically be a melon, but it deserves discussion in that family

me: Oh, man.

A mango?

Fantastic.

Ritch: It beats the pants off watermelon, that's for sure.

You ever hear of watermelon salsa?

Hell no.

Watermelon chutney?

Never

People act like watermelon is great by adding the word "fresh"

WOW- fresh watermelon?

That's the only way to eat it.

And, it tastes like water, and is a borderline racial epithet

me: Yeah, fuck that melon.

(not literally)

Ritch: It might be pretty good for that, actually.

I mean, melonwise.

Actually, that might be where the honeydew comes back into play

me: This has been "Fruit Talk" with Dan and Ritch.

Ritch: I like it

Tune in tomorrow for "Cherries: Why don't we eat them more?"

me: The answer may surprise you.

The Flop House Movie Minute #16 - Missed Connections

We present this alternate, much shorter, version of the Al Pacino film 88 Minutes.

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The Flop House Episode #26 is ONLINE!

It's a new day in America, and what better way to celebrate the first African-American president than with Al Pacino's thriller 88 Minutes? What, you don't understand why that's appropriate? Maybe that's because you're racist. Meanwhile, Dan makes a baldfaced plea for sponsorship, Elliott proves his facility with numbers (as long as they're in the titles of movies), and the ghost of Stuart looms large over the episode.

0:00 - 0:30 - Introduction and theme.
0:31 - 5:02 - We explain why we're the dynamic duo this week, and talk about how much we miss Stuart. Also: we engage in the name-droppiest name dropping yet, as Elliott tells the story of the time he met PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA.
5:03 - 32:52 - We talk about 88 Minutes, the movie that is a worse example of real-time filmmaking than Nick of Time, and a far worse example of post-mortem semen-swapping than Presumed Innocent.
32:53 - 37:25 - Final judgments, plus a brief side-track into dream analysis.
37:26 - 45:43 - The sad bastards recommend.
45:43 - 46:32 - We talk about Stuart some more. Jeez! Why don't us guys get a room, already!
46:33 - 49:03 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of 88 Minutes

POLITICS!

In honor of Election Day, here's a rerun of the politically themed Captains in Space webisode, "The Venusian Candidate."



And for more vaguely political nonsense, click HERE.

More Sketches

Some scripts from You, Your World, and You-- the politically themed sketch show I co-write and perform in-- just in time for Election Day! Oh, and your last chance to see the show is this November the 9th at 8:30, at the Magnet Theater.

FOUR DEMOCRATS WAIT FOR ELECTION DAY

ANNOUNCER

And now, Shameful Display presents: Four Democrats Wait for Election Day.

LIGHTS UP on FOUR DEMOCRATS. PAUL stands, pacing back and forth, while SUE checks a computer. GROVER sits center stage, rocking in a chair, in a near-fetal position. LARS sits with his back to the audience, holding his hands on his head.

Lars sits in such a way as to obscure the fact that the actor’s head is hidden beneath his jacket, and what seems to be his head is an INFLATED BALLOON in a WIG.

GROVER

He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. I don’t know how, but somehow he’s gonna fuck it up…

PAUL

Shut up, Grover. Obama is not going to lose this election… Is he?

SUE

I dunno… The latest Gallup poll has McCain gaining half a point in Virginia.

PAUL

Half a point!?

(punches Sue)

In Virginia!?

(punches Sue again)

I can’t take this! How long ‘til Election Day?

SUE

26 hours, sixteen minutes, and 36 seconds!

PAUL

GAAH! I’m going crazy! Why didn’t you let me build that time machine, and leap into the future to make sure that Obama wins the election, like I wanted?!

SUE

We’ve been over this! We don’t know the ramifications of such time travel! What if Obama winning is contingent on you not knowing he wins? And thus, the very act of you observing him winning the election prevents him from winning? It’s elementary butterfly effect, Paul!

They both look at Grover and notice that he’s methodically drawing a knife across his forearm in parallel lines.

PAUL

My God, Sue—Grover’s cutting again!

They run over and struggle to disarm him.

GROVER

No! It’s the only thing that keeps my mind off politics!

They disarm him, but Grover escapes through the back of the stage SLAMMING the DOOR. Sue and Paul follow, and pound on it.

SUE AND PAUL

(ad libbing)

Grover! Grover! Open up! It’s not worth it! (etc.)

GROVER (O.S.)

I just can’t take it any more!

The door opens. Grover stumbles back onstage, his arms COVERED IN BLOOD.

GROVER

Red! Everything’s red! MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN RED STATES!

He collapses. Sue runs offstage and returns with bandages, which she uses on Grover.

SUE

It’s not as bad as it looks. But he’ll probably be in a coma until after the election.

PAUL

Lucky bastard.

He looks over at Lars, in the corner.

PAUL (cont’d)

Sue, what’s happening to us? This election is tearing us apart. We need to relax, and let the chips fall where they may. I mean, look at Lars, here, sitting so calmly. He’s not tense at…

Paul has walked over to Lars to pat him on the head. However, he has a concealed pin in his hand and he POPS the balloon, simulating Lars’ HEAD EXPLODING.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!

BLACKOUT.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME CHARACTER

DAN

Halloween was this Friday, and many adults still enjoy getting dressed up. Here with a post-Halloween editorial is one such holiday fan, Sally Sandberg. Sally?

SALLY ENTERS, wobbling. She is dressed like Sarah Palin. She holds a beer.

DAN

Sally, are you drunk?

SALLY

Fuck yeah, dicknose! It’s Halloween!

DAN

Halloween was two days ago.

SALLY

You’re two days ago! Shut your news-hole and let me talk.

(to audience)

Halloween. Some use it to indulge their love of fake blood, while others put their breasts on display without fear of social judgment. For me, it’s a competition. A way to show that I’m the awesome-est, through my choice of Halloween costume. Or it would be if every motherfucker on Earth didn’t steal my ideas!

(to Dan)

Like this year—okay, can you guess what I went as?

DAN

Uh… Glasses… jacket... Sexy accounts payable representative?

SALLY

No, cockwad.

(upper North American accent)

I don’t know if I agree with your police work there, Ed.

DAN

I’m guessing you’re Sarah Palin, but I dunno why you’re doing lines from Fargo.

SALLY

It’s the only way I can do the accent! Anyway, she might say that… to, like, the state trooper she had fired… You know what? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I go to this party, and I’m having a good time—until… guess what five other bitches were dressed as there. Just guess. Guess, Dan.

DAN

Oh, I can talk? Uh… I dunno. Sarah Palin.

SALLY

You’re a real asshat, Dan. Yes. Yes, I don’t know who told you, but they were dressed as Sarah Palin. Just like I don’t know who told these bitches that I would be dressed as Sarah Palin, so they could steal my costume and ruin my night.

DAN

Wait, Sally, you think these women stole their costume idea from you?

SALLY

OF COURSE THEY DID, DAN, you buttlick. What else could’ve happened? I had been working on my Sarah Palin costume for months! I had the glasses! I had the red 150-grand lady-suit! I had it all! And these whores took my idea! And, worse yet, the dudes at the party stole my boyfriend’s idea too!

DAN

Which was…?

SALLY

The Joker.

DAN

Has it ever occurred to you that this might happen because these costumes are, in fact, quite popular?

SALLY

Yeah, they’re popular because EVERYONE’S STEALING MY IDEAS. God! This has been going on forever! My gay cowboy costume… Napoleon Dynamite… Jack Sparrow… that time I went as a hanging chad… when I went as Y2K… Austin Powers… The Macarena… Laura Palmer… Rubix Cube… New Coke… Coke II… Crystal Pepsi… Even when I was a baby and my parents dressed me up as Princess Leia! People have been stealing that one ever since!

DAN

Okay, well you’ve sure been a trendsetter. I hope you have better luck next year.

SALLY

Oh, yeah! I already have it all picked out. Guess what I’m going as!

Dan writes “IRON MAN 2.” on a piece of paper. As she talks, he holds it up.

SALLY

Iron Man 2!

(she sees the paper and reacts, angry)

Oh you ballmunch! You’re not stealing my idea!

She attempts to punch Dan in the face, then suddenly tries to make out with him.

DAN

Get off me! The Joker’s backstage! Cut it out! Sally Sandberg, everyone!

TONIGHT! Last Show Before the Election

With special warm-up comic Elliott Kalan, writer for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart!

More Political Sketches

Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.

PALIN PORN

DAN

Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?

LISA

(breathy)

Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.

She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.

DAN

Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.

LISA

(groan-y)

You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.

DAN

Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.

LISA

I wasn’t finished

(back to audience)

…your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.

DAN

Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?

LISA

Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!

DAN

That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…

JON

Or two thousand.

DAN

SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?

LISA

Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...

DAN

Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin

LISA

Oh, okay.

Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.

LISA (cont’d)

(not changing her voice at all)

Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!

DAN

(interrupting)

Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.

LISA

Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…

(Palin voice)

Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.

DAN

Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.

LISA

I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.

DAN

Okay.

LISA

That’s a masturbation joke.

DAN

I GET IT.

JON

I’ll bet you do.

DAN

SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!




ROBOCALLS

A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.

The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.

PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.

MAN

Hello?

(pause, then annoyed)

Hello?

CALLER (V.O.)

Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.

DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.

WOMAN

Prank call?

MAN

Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”

WOMAN

Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.

(checks watch)

Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?

MAN

Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.

WOMAN

Okay. Don’t kill yourself.

She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.

MAN

Hello?

CALLER

Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?

MAN

What?

CALLER

And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.

MAN

Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?

CALLER

Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.

Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.

MAN

Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.

He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.

MAN (cont’d)

(to self)

Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95

The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.

MAN

Yeah?

CALLER

Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!

MAN

What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?

CALLER

Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.

The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.

MAN

Hel…

CALLER

Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…

The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.

MAN

STOP CALLING ME!

CALLER

We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?

MAN

How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.

CALLER

Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.

MAN

How is that su…?

CALLER

(interrupting)

We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.

MAN

Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.

CALLER

Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.

MAN

Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”

CALLER

Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!

MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.

MAN

Styx?

CALLER

Prepare for rob-education.

(pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)

MAN

Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…

TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.

BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.

OBAMA

Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.

Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.

OBAMA (cont’d)

(to self)

Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.

(calling offstage)

Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!

The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

Stuart's harrowing tale of survival is now a zany comedy starring Seth Rogan.

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Sketch Round-Up

Here are two sketches I wrote for last Sunday's debut of Shameful Display presents You, Your World, and You, at the Magnet Theater. Enjoy them, 'cause (due to their current-events nature) you'll probably never see them performed again.

Backhanded Rally

Lights up on McCain, with microphone.

MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.

While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.

MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!

MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?

MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.

McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.

MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!

McCain waves the audience member down on stage.

MCCAIN
Come down here sir.

The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.

MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)

He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.

MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.

AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.

Audience member boos.

With a crazy Arab name.

Audience applauds.

Who loves his wife and kids.

Audience boos.

Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.

Audience applauds.

So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.

Audience boos.

Just stay in the anger van.

Audience applauds.

And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.

BLACKOUT.

* * * *

Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates

Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.

JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.

LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…

HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.

LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.

JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.

LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!

HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.

JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.

LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.

JOE
Yeah.

LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.

JOE
I didn’t ask him to.

LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.

JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.

LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?

JOE
What are you saying Larry?

LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.

JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.

LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.

JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!

LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!

JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?

LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…

HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?

JOE
What?

HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?

LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”

JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.

HANK
Yeah, but still.

LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?

HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?

JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.

HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?

LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!

JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.

HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.

JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.

HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.

LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!

JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?

LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!

They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.

HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.

They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.

JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.

BLACKOUT

TONIGHT!

The Flop House Episode #25 is ONLINE!

It's the second of our annual SHOCKTOBER shows, focusing on lousy horror films, and it's a doozy! Mark Walhberg unleashes all his whispery energy on the modern master of "Hey jackass, betcha didn't see that one coming!" M. Night Shyamalan, and his eco-horror-tale The Happening. Meanwhile, Elliott explains his failed cartoon-writing career, Stuart crosses the sexual line, and Dan opens a pun Pandora's box he can't close.

0:00 - 0:39 - Introduction and theme.
0:40 - 41:28 - It's a Flop House event! We've been waiting so long for the DVD release for M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening that we jump right in and don't stop talking about it for forty minutes. (Would I call it a "Flop House happening?" No. That would be dumb.)
41:29 - 44:17 - Final judgments on The Happening.
44:18 - 48:30 - What the heck. Final judgments on M. Night, too.
48:31 - 56:40 - The sad bastards recommend.
56:41 - 58:26 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

**In this episode, Dan refers to Alan Rupp. He meant Alan Ruck.

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Wikipedia synopsis of The Happening