Backhanded Rally
Lights up on McCain, with microphone.
MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.
While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.
MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!
MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?
MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.
McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.
MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!
McCain waves the audience member down on stage.
MCCAIN
Come down here sir.
The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.
MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)
He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.
MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.
Audience member boos.
With a crazy Arab name.
Audience applauds.
Who loves his wife and kids.
Audience boos.
Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.
Audience applauds.
So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.
Audience boos.
Just stay in the anger van.
Audience applauds.
And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.
BLACKOUT.
* * * *
Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates
Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.
JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.
LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…
HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.
LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.
JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.
LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!
HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.
JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.
LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.
JOE
Yeah.
LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.
JOE
I didn’t ask him to.
LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.
JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.
LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?
JOE
What are you saying Larry?
LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.
JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.
JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!
LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!
JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?
LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…
HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?
JOE
What?
HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?
LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”
JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.
HANK
Yeah, but still.
LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?
HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?
JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.
HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?
LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!
JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.
HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.
JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.
HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.
LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!
JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?
LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!
They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.
HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.
They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.
BLACKOUT
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