Thursday, March 01, 2007

In Which I Address the Board of Directors of My Snack Food Company

Gentlemen, I know that we here at Amalgamated Snack Items, Inc. have had a tough year. I, as your CEO, bear some responsibility for that. Primarily, I apologize for greenlighting Dr. Sodium's Pretzel Twistz, "With the Great Taste of Pure Sodium." I had hoped we could take on Nabisco's hugely popular "Mr. Salty Pretzels," but I failed to take into account that pure chemical sodium is a highly reactive alkali metal-- one which explodes when it comes in contact with water.

Again, I am sorry. The most cursory Internet search could have yielded that information, but I suppose I was caught up in the fever of getting the product to market, before Keebler's "Sgt. Potassium's Carb Bitz." Mea culpa.

However, before the board votes to oust me, I would like to unveil some of the delicious snack items that are in the planning stages for 2007. I feel confident that, once you hear my ideas, the precipitous stock plunge brought on by countless wrongful death suits will be a distant memory. Or, at least, it would be if I hadn't reminded you of it just now.


How many potato chips rehash the same tired flavors? Sour cream and onion. Barbecue. Salt and vinegar. Lately snackmakers have tried to jazz up the humble chip with spicy jalepeno, or buffalo wing flavors. But what about a truly new taste experience-- and I'm not talking a green tea chip for our Japantown franchises. What about a chip that makes you know what it's like to be a single mom trying to "make it" in New York City? It's the toughest job you'll ever love, gentlemen, and now it's the most rewarding chip you'll ever eat-- Ms. Potato'z Unmarried Starch-ums.

I'll let you digest that one for a bit, gentlemen-- although the chips themselves will be loaded with undigestable husband-snagging olestra-- and move on to the next treat.

Corn chips come in all a manner of shapes, from scoops to cones to puffy little footballs. Well, I suggest that the physical qualities of our chips take a quantum leap forward. Literally. And by literally, I mean that our chips will be made entirely of fried corn particles suspended in superposition. Gentlemen, I give you Schrödinger's Phyziks Chipz! The very existence of which are in flux until you open the bag. Are the chips there? Or is the bag empty? Think of the manufacturing savings if the bag is empty! Especially if we don't bother making any, and just claim the very act of having a snack attack caused the consumer to observe the chips, making them disappear.

I can see that the last snack idea might be a little highbrow for you. So what about this one-- Fried Manta Ray Rindz. Now, hear me out. Pork rinds are just flash-fried pork skin, but the skin is a tiny part of the pig's total mass, making for a low ratio of return. However, Manta Rays are almost ALL surface area-- meaning that they're practically made of skin. Thus we can fry a whole manta ray, and feed an entire tailgating party on one lousy marine creature!

So what say you, gentlemen? Do I keep my job here at ASI?


Hmn. How odd that twelve fully-grown men would be able to leave this conference room without me noticing, even though I've been facing them, and speaking to them directly, the entire time.

Oh well, more manta rinds for me!

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