I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at
The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*
Newsdesk McCain AnnouncementDAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.
MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.
DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.
MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.
DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?
MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.
DAN
Camelback Street?
MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.
DAN
And then what?
MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.
DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!
Wolf and the HologramsWOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.
WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.
Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.
WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…
A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.
WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.
JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?
WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…
JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.
WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?
JESSICA
None whatsoever.
WOLF
None Jessica?
JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!
Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.
WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?
Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.
HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.
HANK
Wolf? Hello?
WOLF
Yes hello?
HANK
Wolf?
WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?
HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf
WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?
HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.
WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.
HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.
WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…
The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.
WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.
Wolf puts the bucket over his head.
WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?
HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.
Wolf takes off the bucket.
WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?
HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!
WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.
HANK EXITS
WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.
WOLF
Where… are you?
DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.
WOLF
What are…?
DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.
WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?
DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.
WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.
WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?
The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.
Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.
JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!
DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)
Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.
WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.
WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.
A beat.
DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.
BLACKOUT.
*answer: probably not
