Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.
PALIN PORN
DAN
Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?
LISA
(breathy)
Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.
She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.
DAN
Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.
LISA
(groan-y)
You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.
DAN
Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.
LISA
I wasn’t finished
(back to audience)
…your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.
DAN
Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?
LISA
Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!
DAN
That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…
JON
Or two thousand.
DAN
SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?
LISA
Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...
DAN
Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin
LISA
Oh, okay.
Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.
LISA (cont’d)
(not changing her voice at all)
Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!
DAN
(interrupting)
Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.
LISA
Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…
(Palin voice)
Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.
DAN
Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.
LISA
I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.
DAN
Okay.
LISA
That’s a masturbation joke.
DAN
I GET IT.
JON
I’ll bet you do.
DAN
SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!
ROBOCALLS
A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.
The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.
PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.
MAN
Hello?
(pause, then annoyed)
Hello?
CALLER (V.O.)
Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.
DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.
WOMAN
Prank call?
MAN
Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”
WOMAN
Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.
(checks watch)
Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?
MAN
Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.
WOMAN
Okay. Don’t kill yourself.
She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
MAN
Hello?
CALLER
Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?
MAN
What?
CALLER
And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.
MAN
Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?
CALLER
Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.
Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.
MAN
Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.
He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.
MAN (cont’d)
(to self)
Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95
The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.
MAN
Yeah?
CALLER
Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!
MAN
What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?
CALLER
Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.
The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.
MAN
Hel…
CALLER
Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…
The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.
MAN
STOP CALLING ME!
CALLER
We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?
MAN
How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.
CALLER
Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.
MAN
How is that su…?
CALLER
(interrupting)
We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.
MAN
Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.
CALLER
Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.
MAN
Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”
CALLER
Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!
MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.
MAN
Styx?
CALLER
Prepare for rob-education.
(pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)
MAN
Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…
TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.
BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.
OBAMA
Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.
Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.
OBAMA (cont’d)
(to self)
Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.
(calling offstage)
Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!
